AppleJack
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Posts posted by AppleJack
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15 hours ago, Cerridwen said:
My heart hurts so much for you, AJ *biggest hugs* I am so sorry you’re being exposed to such ignorance and insensitivity by such remarks as “I am the reason my baby died because we weren't superstitious.”, “we should wait a full year at least to get pregnant again because it would be bad luck to be pregnant when our baby's birthday rolls around.” and that you are ‘somehow to blame’ because you shared your happy news too early”. Those comments are such bull$&!#. I am frankly astounded and angry for you that you are having to deal with such terrible comments and lack of insight from family who should be your biggest support system right now. Superstition plays no part in medical fact and for your step-mother to hint or suggest such a thing is just ignorance at it's worst.
Grief has no time table and you must do what is best for YOU, nobody else. Nobody else lives inside your skin so they cannot even possibly fathom what you are going through. Nobody has the right to tell you the ‘right’ way in which to grieve or what your behavior should be in regard to it.
I am incredibly impressed by your strength and your courage... I know you may not feel that you are being especially brave and strong, but you are. Just getting out of bed every day and pushing through the hours til the next is a feat in itself......and you do it. I know some days are more difficult than others and yet you do it.....you show everyone around you how strong you are. And on those days when it’s difficult to face the day, you’re allowed to take the time to let yourself just be immersed in it.
A friend of mine just had her rainbow baby a few months ago and as joyful as it is to have her new daughter, she still grieves every day for the one she lost. She found an outlet in journaling every day her thoughts and feelings.... the days when she was able to carry on through, head held high.......and the days when she stayed in bed and cried the day through.....
Your son is now, and always will be, a very real and existing part of you......a part of your greater family and his presence should always be acknowledged and accepted as a very real and present member of the family circle. He is loved, he is precious and he is very much missed. It’s terrible that some people are so insensitive and ignorant to that fact and continue to hurt you by their behavior and comments.
You are so strong and so very brave to share your feelings and thoughts with us here on CDC. It’s not always a ‘safe’ place to share something so intensely personal but you do, and I admire you immensely and thank you for allowing us to share yours and TS’s journey.
You must take care of yourself and TS first..... other family will just have to wait and if that means postponing visiting the new baby, so be it. You will know when you’re ready.
Thank you so very kindly for your kindness. it's people like you and JR and various others who have supported us that makes CDC a good place. I just ignore the others.
I was journaling for a bit but stopped mid march. I think i'll take it up again at least on the weekends. I am far to tired to do anything after work. It was super helpful when I was doing it and I don't know exactly why I stopped doing it to be honest.
I don't think my families trying to be cruel but their behavior is beyond disgusting. I am already on rocky grounds with that part of my family anyways so I am not surprised by it. They are CRAZY super religious and I think they accepted things cause God gave them another grandchild. My dad's told me pretty much that already. We are very spiritual and do believe in a higher power so I don't know if they think it brings comfort. It doesn't. It's probably the 2nd worse thing you can say to someone in this situation. The first being "it happened for a reason". I always ask just what was that reason because we don't even have a true cause of death just some educated guesses. So I don't see a reason for telling someone this at all.
I am happy for your friend rainbow babies must be the most magical thing in the world. I also love that term rainbow babies. It's so hopeful. I have heard it used a lot and have also heard the term 'hope baby' used for during pregnancy.
Ts and I attend this support group called empty cradle. It provides comfort because everyone understands what we are going through there. There are some women who have had rainbow babies so that's also helpful. I am glad for the group and feel it's helped me alot.
I eventually plan on getting a tattoo with our babies footprints and angel wings. I am not when I will get it though.
I just started working again (with children) and that's forced me to get out of bed even when I don't want to. I feel bad cause I never told the family about the baby or that we plan to try for another soon but I don't really feel like indulging that information just yet and if anything it makes me better at my job because every moment with a child is more precious. It also makes my job harder because I am reminded to often just what I lost. My counselor thought it was a good idea and I am able to only work part time so it's probably the best fit. If I had worked at wallmart or something I would have had to work full time.
it's been a long journey but I think we are working through things together and growing stronger.
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7 hours ago, J.R. said:
Not that this is likely to help much but...
Try to understand that your family is just showing support for your sister and not attempting to slight or diminish what you've been through. That they love her and want to support her doesn't mean they don't love and support you too.
On some level you probably you probably already understand that and in fact I wouldn't doubt if you do/will feel a tinge of guilt for those feelings. (As though you need another 'kick in the gut' right now!)
That said, I can TOTALLY understand how much of a 'kick in the gut' that could feel like. Particularly with the wound still quite fresh. *Hugs*
If we can help by being an outlet, sounding board, whatever... by all means. Better to get that $&!# out and deal with those emotions than letting them fester. Even if just on CDC.
Thanks for the support. My sisters super understanding and my mom's being great but the rest of the family are putting a lot of pressure on me on regards to 'Being there' for my sister and going to see the baby. I want to wait a bit till its not so raw or we are pregnant again before doing that but they keep 'guiding' me in what they feel is best.
it's something I have been dealing with since we lost our baby because my sister was already pregnant at the time and thus made it all okay for most of my family.
I do feel my son's been pushed aside because he's dead. I also pretty much be blamed by various family members because we told ppl right away about the pregnancy and because we and others bought us stuff. It makes me so angry that I'd been basically told I am the reason my baby died because we weren't superstitious. My step mother has also heavly hinted that we should wait a full year at least to get pregnant again because it would be bad luck to be pregnant when our baby's birthday rolls around.-
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My sister just had a baby and I am super happy for her I am also really jealous that she has one and I don't. I been told these feelings are normal giving what happened with our baby. I thought I was dealing with it but this morning I read numerous fb status updates from my family going on and on about how 'brave and strong' my sister is because she had a C section. This made me furious to the point I wanted to throw my phone out the window. Brave and strong for having a C section are you freaking kidding me! Try giving birth to a dead baby and then having to live with that. Try returning to work with children because it's the only thing your good at and your counselor says it will be a 'healing' experience. Try knowing that even though you plan to try for another baby there is no guarantees that you won't lose that baby, oh and also you may actually be putting your life at risk because you are prone to blood clots. That's strong and brave not cause you had a C section!
I of course can't post this anywhere and I can't blame my sister for my families stupidity.
it's just really frustrating I get that babies are exciting news but enough is enough. My dad even had the audacity to tell me everything's fine now cause my sister had a baby so I can stop grieving.
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I am a casual fan but not even I buy into those smack down cheers.
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1 minute ago, JV77 said:
Welcome to the club! For perspective I'm 24 and was literally born watching wrestling. I have baby pictures with WWE on the TV in the background with all my family and cousins watching lol
I watched wrestling with my dad as a kid but I wasn't super into it. I recognized wrestlers back then but I didn't have favorites or anything.
I have a feeling I am going to really get into it this time.
I even PVR the Walking Dead on Sunday (which is my show) so I could watch Wrestlemania. The hell in a cell match was entertaining and all but it was kind of disappointing since I wanted the undertaker to lose. -
I hate Roman Reigns he's so annoying I know they want us to think he's this great savior but he's really just a greasy Heel. I totally understand why TS keeps saying Reigns is shoved down our throats. I really hope Styles beats him that title match even though I know he won't
I just started watching wrestling about 2 months ago and I am starting to have favorites. I really like Dean Ambrose because he's just nuts and very charismatic. I like how he doesn't give up.
I LOVE the 'bromance' between AJ styles and Y2J. I love how Jerico goes all crazy when the fans start cheering for Styles. It's very amusing. I actually think they are secretly in love with each other <3.
I LOVE the NEW day! I want to legit buy Booty-oh's. They are so entertaining.
I also hate the Uso's they are so overexposed and lack charisma.
I don't mind Sasha though I love Becky got some style and I like her spunk. Charlotte and her lame father can just go away.
Ts was telling me about this Bayley chick she sounds interesting. He was saying she has a back story with Sasha, Becky and the she-demon (charlotte).
Sorry about the long post TS told me about this thread and I thought it would be cool to come in here and learn more about wrestling. Ts also says you all are super cool
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I am not sure if anyone else has had to deal with EI but the whole process is very very VERY frustrating. I am trying to get my claimed switched from Mat leave to Regular EI. The process to switch my claim will take 3 weeks and I can't access work BC services until I am on Regular EI. I can't work in the field I am trained to work (childcare) so I need to be re-trained which means I can't look for work until I am able to access work BC. The EI case worker I saw today said my doctors note (regarding re-training) may not be enough as it doesn't have a return to work date on it. So now I am going have to go to the doctors office and get another note but I can't do that till my claim is switched but they may not switch my claim without it.
The case worker pretty much told me just to wait till my Mat leave is up which isn't till April 27th.. I do not want to wait because I am medically cleared to try for another baby now. If we get pregnant right away I will need 600 hours to get mat leave again and the job I am thinking of switching to may include going back to school for 6 months. So the sooner we get me to see Work BC the better but EI is making it way to hard. Its very overwhelming and I just want to sit on the floor and cry and say screw it all and just cave and wait till my Mat leave is up.
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I started watching WWE with my guy... and I must confess I am enjoying it....but only because I ship the wrestlers.
AJ X Jericho
Ambrose and Reigns. 
OTP's forever!!!
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Some jerky old guy almost knocked me over trying to get to the biomedical lab a whole two seconds before me. He then proceeded to stand next to the 'ticket' machine and smirk as I hobbled by him (broke the tip of my big toe) I confess I got a bit of a thrill by the glare he gave me when I went straight past him not collecting a ticket because I had an appointment. He was still waiting his turn when I was leaving and I sent him a big smile. He looked so unhappy it made my day. It's called Karma old man Karma.
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3 hours ago, Mathew Barzal said:
My dad died last night, I have no idea where to start or what to do. It's just me my sibling and my mom right now.
People will be depending on me to be the man of the house...
I am so sorry to hear about your father passing away. If I can do anything let me know. hugs.
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We got the autopsy report back on our baby they couldn't find a cause of death. He was perfectly healthy. The doctor thinks his heart skip a beat and just didn't start again but he can't say for sure that's what happened. He basically said it was like the pregnancy version of SIDS. There just isn't an answer and our baby should be alive. My original due date is coming up in a few weeks. It's very frustrating. I should have a baby instead I get ashes and a teddy bear in his memory. I thought if I had an answer, a reason for his death I'd be okay. We would at least know what happened to our son but there's nothing.
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16 hours ago, brilac said:
Your kitties are so cute!
Thank you! They are so sweet as well.
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23 hours ago, Alflives said:
I really appreciate your honesty in these posts. i can't speak for anyone else, but I gain strength from reading them. Thank you
Oh wow. Thank you so much.
I admit it hasn't been easy. I have been an emotional and physical mess since October but everyday I feel more like myself and l am growing stronger. I have had a lot of support both professionally and family and friend wise. I also really appreciate the support everyone on here has given both Ts and I.
I also thought I'd share something else with you guys. These two furbrats here have given me so much strength. Just being responsible for them has kept me grounded. Gilly has been a silent but constant friend, giving me 'head bumps' when I need them and kitty kisses. Discord is our crazy, spazzy, chaotic 10 month old kitten (he's the black cat). He is very special and very sweet. He follows me around everywhere I go and is always there when I need a reminder that life does go on. We also believe he had a special bond with our baby and that our child lives on through that bond, so we feel very close to him.
I know we have a post yo pet thread and both these furbrats have been posted in it before but I thought it was appropriate to share how much these two have helped me.
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Thanks everyone
I admit Its been a long hard road to recovery but I am feeling a lot better.
edit:
I was feeling better till I went to the doctors....
My doctor basically just cleared me medically for us to try again for another baby except I have to wait till I have a specific test done to try and figure out why I am having breast pain for so long... and the earliest appointment isn't till April 28th. I am on the cancellation list so hopefully I can get an earlier appointment but it just feels like a kick in the gut. To be told that you are healthy enough (providing there isn't anything seriously wrong with my heart or any new blood clots) but then the medical test they want you to do can't be done on someone who is pregnant. So even though Medically we are cleared we have to wait another 3 months so I can get this test done. It just seems so unfair.
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I feel I won a small victory last night.
Probably because of the clots I have quite a bit inflammation in my chest/underarm area.. So I have been basically having chest/arm pain on both sides (but more my left side) for basically three months. Its so bad I been taking T2's every day as well as using heating pads. I only take 1/4 of a T2 basically four times a day so I don't get addicted.
On the weekend I took some blood tests, and had an EKG done to make sure i am healthy enough to go on a new medication. Yesterday my psychiatrist called to tell me to wait a day till she talks to my doctor before starting the medication because something showed up on my EKG. I have a 1st degree AV block. I have no idea what that meant and it was scary to hear you have something going on with your heart ( even if it wasn't an emergency) so I visited DR google and DR Google says my heart is basically beating to slow. They usually don't even treat you for this but monitor to make sure that there isn't any underlying heart issues. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday to get the inflamation looked at and to go and get a 24 hour heart monitor test thingy done.I am terrified there will be something wrong because I have had such horrible luck with my health in the past few months, but mostly because we are about to be cleared (providing there isn't any evidence of a new blood clot) to be able to try for another baby. This is something I need to do sooner then later as the thought of being pregnant again is already super scary for me. I am also 37 so my gynecologist does not want us waiting longer then necessary. Plus it will provide some much needed healing after losing our son in October. So I really don't think I can handle them telling me I have to wait even longer.
My small victory was that I didn't go to the ER even though I am having quite a bit anxiety over the fact that my heart beat is slow. This is really big step for me because even two weeks ago I would have gone to the ER even after having two different doctors tell me I don't need medical treatment for this. So It shows just how far I have come in the past few weeks. I do admit I am kind of scared to take my asthma medication (symbacort) as it does make my heart race. I am going talk to my doctor about that and try to skip it for the next day and just use my inhaler if I need it.-
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Before I got sick and had to have food restrictions I never realized just how much of a difference food plays on your whole well being, just not physically but your emotions as well.
They switched me to another blood thinner since warfarin basically stopped working and I was at risk of having a stroke or another blood clot. The new medication does not have food restrictions which means I can eat anything I want. I never been so happy to eat vegetables before in my whole life.
i am sitting in metrotown eating vegetable stirfry and want to cry because I am so happy to eat it.
Just don't take food for granted guys! -
I started coloring as a form of therapy and now I LOVE it. I have 5 books and want to get more. I check chapters online store everyday to see what new books will be coming out. Its so relaxing and gives you a really amazing sense of accomplishment when you finish a picture.
The only thing I dislike about it is that I prefer to use felts but ALL my books pages are double sided and so the felts bleed through ruining the picture on the back.
I hope they either make the pages thicker or make them single sided to prevent this problem.
my favorite book is my Harry Potter one my sister got me for Christmas. I am re-reading the series so its kind of neat to color some of the scenes plus its super pretty. I intend on ordering the other three HP coloring books in the series. -
1 hour ago, Wild Sean Monahan said:
I confess...I just walked by @AppleJack at New West skytrain station. I know that sounds creepy af too
I totally didn't notice anyone so I apologize if you tried to catch my attention or something. I was on a mission to find cheap cat food
and a calendar for 2016.
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I am hearing it was in Victoria. The couch shook. I thought someone ran into our apartment or something. My cats freaked right out. I have no idea where one of them is, the other dove under the couch and isn't coming out for anything.
I have bad anxiety and I am home alone
Little freaked out right now.
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4 hours ago, The Weasel said:
I really want to get the Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone Illustrated edition. Have you seen it yet? I'm waiting for the price to drop a bit. I just started re-reading the first one two nights ago.
Its so beautiful. I keep telling myself if it drops in price it will be okay to buy even though I don't need it because I own the entire series in hard cover and its in practically brand new condition. I have the editions that come with the Hogwarts school trunk so they are protected from dust, etc.
I am enjoying the first one a lot more then I remember. This is the third time I have picked it up (I have read other books in the series more times ). I guess what they say is true the third time is the charm. I think I am going to re-read the whole series. -
I just started to re-read the Harry Potter books. I am reading a chapter a night, with a lit candle and my baby's special bear. It makes me feel better. Its also been quite a while since I read the first book so its 'almost' like reading a new book.
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Just got my hair done, Its a bit different then usual but I like it. I am letting my bangs grow out a bit so I can tuck them behind my ears. They are already driving me crazy but I think another week or two they will be long enough. I think I want to have them long enough to be there own layers. I really need to dye my hair but just can't bring myself to do it right now, plus its expensive and Christmas is expensive.. so sometime in the new year I'll get the red touched up.
So there is a bit of a story behind this photo.
I really was looking forward to having Christmas photos next year with our little one, so I decided today to do that anyways, so I took one with his special Christmas ornament . I thought this would be a good way to show everyone that I am doing okay. The best I can do, and to thank everyone for there support. Perhaps I am being silly but taking this photo made me feel better. Excuse my skin. All the medication I am on is really messing with my skin and I don't like wearing makeup.
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11 hours ago, J.R. said:
Also take probiotics with your antibiotics. Those things mess with your stomach pretty bad.
My stomach is pretty messed up right now. I am going to go pick up some yogurt tomorrow to help with it.
I am having a good day today. Only a mini panic attack, because I felt super nauseous earlier after taking my antibiotic (we just started me back on them). I got my hair done. I feel quite better. -
16 hours ago, J.R. said:
I don't know how you feel about such things but... You may also consider looking in to some 'Phoenix Tears' from your local dispensary for pain relief without all the nasty side effects of Tylenol 2 and 3. That stuff isn't good for you, especially long term.
I will have to talk to my doctor about that since a lot of herbal stuff contain vitamin K and I am not allowed to have a lot of Vitamin k as it reacts to Warfarin.
I don't plan on being on the Tylenol 2 for very long just long enough for the antibotics to run their course and get rid of this infection...then I won't be in anymore pain. I don't really like how Tylenol 2 and other pain killers that strong make me feel but its better then being in so much pain.I was taking morphine for it earlier but they took me off of that after a few days because its addictive.
Ambrose and Reigns. 
OTP's forever!!!
Little freaked out right now.
The Newer Newer Official WWE/TNA thread.
in Off-Topic General
Posted
Every time Reigns opens his mouth I want to vomit
. I seriously don't know why they think anyone could actually like him over Styles. Give me a break...