AppleJack
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Posts posted by AppleJack
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4 hours ago, gurn said:
I'm sure your doctor has pointed out that your symptoms are not unique, many moms go through the emotional blender you are experiencing, some to a greater or lesser degree. With the proper medical and family support as well as friends you WILL BE fine.
I edited this post because somebody else on the forum, that cares about you, pointed out a mistake I made. I am sorry for your loss.
I am the only child, of six attempts, to have made it beyond 2 weeks of life. It was extremely hard on my folks, but with help they made it through the darkness and without their persistence I would not be here. Family and true friends will help you through this.
The problem is that Grief and Postpartum depression symptoms are pretty much the same, my psychiatrist said they are interlocked together and its very hard to separate them. So we aren't sure just how severe the Postpartum is and so basically right now we are just treating the anxiety, I do have the option of going on a daily anti-depressant but I really don't want to do that if I don't have to. I am working very hard to get through this with counseling and other anxiety/stress relief techniques. I am attending a infant loss support group and that is helping a bit, though it only meets once a month. They could send me to a Postpartum group but we feel that would probably not be very good idea. Some women who develop Postpartum depression sometimes 'regret' having children and if I have to sit there and hear some other women who has a baby talk about how she wishes she didn't it would not be very good for my mental health.
Thank you. it may not seem like much but having others acknowledge our loss, and acknowledge our child did exist is pretty much the best thing anyone could do for me.
I know that we can and more then likely have another child and that does offer comfort but right now things are very hard.
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22 minutes ago, gurn said:
Talk to your doctor about Panic attacks and Anxiety Disorder, most cases are treatable, and all cases manageable.
Hang in AppleJack it does get better.
Thank you. I just want to feel normal again. I actually posted tonight so I could read it back and make myself realize that nothing was wrong and I was giving into the panic. I just told one of my friends that I feel like Alice in Wonderland chasing some mystery rabbit (panic), like I am stuck behind a looking glass, looking at my old normal life.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Postpartum depression a few weeks ago. Both my doctor and my Psychiatrist want me to try and work through it and if that doesn't work they will give me a daily anti-depressant. I am already on so much drugs because of the blood clots and Mastitis infection (I just can't get rid off) that we want to not put me on a daily medication unless its absolutely 100% necessary. I have started to color and that seems to calm me down for the most part but it seems that the closer that we get to Christmas the worse the attacks are getting. So the Anxiety tool kit the Councillor gave me to use aren't working as well as they were before and I am finding I am needing to use the Ativan more. This in itself is causing me panic because I know I am going to need it to get through Christmas and New Years and I am starting to run out. So I don't take them and something small turns into something big and I get stuck in the panic.
The fact I actually went to this tread and wrote all this out instead of calling 911 for the billionth time in the last two months is actually a big improvement. -
I feel like I am going crazy and I am scared that the doctors will realize this and throw me in the psych ward and throw away the key. i know this isn't going to happen. I am not a danger to myself or other people but I swear I am slowly losing my mind.
I am freaking out over every little thing, like seriously, every little damn thing. I been going into the ER on average once a week because I am so freaked out about my health. At first it was because I thought the blood clots would return, my chest is still really bugging me and its super scary. I have also been getting horrible sinus headaches and they don't seem to be getting better. I am prone to sinus infections and so I been kind of ignoring them but now the headache is really strong... and I am starting to get really worried. Earlier today I was washing out the cupboard under the sink because we knocked down a container that had pop and beer cans in it and I of course bumped the top of my head. It wasn't very hard. I don't have bump/lump/whatever or anything. I didn't get dizzy or anything, but now my headache is even worse..and I am in full panic mode. I keep staring at my phone wanting to go get help but knowing logically its just a headache...but then my brain goes into over-drive and I keep remembering the doctors warnings to go get checked out by a doctor if you hit your head. That its dangerous being on the drug i am on and suddenly in my mind everything is so much worse then a more intense sinus headache. Like if I don't go to the hospital this instant I'll get a blood clot in my brain and die kind of worse... Obviously this won't happen and I am just being ...well...crazy.
I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow and will mention it to him...and see if they have any results in from the blood work I just had done. I got tested for all sorts of nasty autoimmune disorders, including Lupus, I don't have any symptoms, so I don't really think I have that but its still something scary to be tested for....and I admit to using Dr.google... Doctor google makes EVERYTHING way worse. I also need to talk to my doctor because I am getting strange hives, and only Bendryl will make them go away. Its obviously some kind of allergic reaction. We think its either laundry detergent or one of my medications, So now I am terrified to take my medication because the next time I react it might be way worse. my throat might swell up and I won't be able to breathe,...and so I don't take my medicine. I sit around in horrible pain using a heating pad for relief because a heating pad can't cause an allergic reaction...
I have ativan to help me calm down when the anxiety gets really bad but I am trying to 'save' it for Christmas because I won't be able to see the Councillor for two weeks and I am not allowed to go home to Campbell River. They say that I won't develop another clot because I am on Warfarin but that its to risky after having clots to travel such a long distance. So I won't be able to see my family for Christmas. This is very distressing to me because I am super close to my mom and step dad and it just won't feel like Christmas without being with them. I am also having a very hard time because everything reminds me of our baby, everything about this time of year is centered so much around children (like it should be) and its just a painful reminder of what I don't have. I can't handle it right now.
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On December 12, 2015 at 6:59 PM, nzan said:
How are you doing these days AppleJack?
Health wise I guess I am okay. Developed anxiety and post partum depression which is hard to deal with especially right now with christmas and everything. I also have family members who are pregnant and seeing them is hard but I am getting by.
I am getting the help I need to get better. Thanks everyone for their kind words and for supporting both TS and I in this difficult time.-
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Sorry everyone I am taking this to a darker place... I just need to get this out...
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but the truth is I am not strong.I am the opposite of strong, I am broken and I don't think there is anyway to fix me, So really I am the furthest thing from being strong.Everyone tells me I will be okay, but I am not okay. I will never be okay. Everyone tells me it will get better I just need to give myself time and I will heal. Its never going to get better. I feel an emptiness in the pit of my whole self. I am missing a part of me that can never be restored. So, no this emptiness isn't just going to go away in a few days or in a few weeks or a few months, it will never go away. I will never be able to hold my baby again. I will never get to read him a story, or kiss his sweet face, or rock him to sleep, I'll never even get to hear him cry. I'll never have the same joys and fears as other mothers because my worse nightmare has already happened, My baby is gone. Just gone.
We lost our baby two weeks ago. He was born still, a tiny little angel without his wings. We don't know why just that he suddenly stopped moving one day, that his little heart stopped beating, that he didn't have enough oxygen, that he is gone. One day I was 24 weeks pregnant, then I wasn't.... and that is not okay. Its not okay. The pain of losing a child Its something you can't even begin to imagine not unless/ until it happens to you....
If this loss weren't bad enough to deal with, to live with, it turns out I am kind of really sick at the moment and I am super scared.
On Sunday I went into the ER at RCH with chest pain and difficulty breathing. I thought I was having an anxiety attack or was getting Mastitis in my breasts because I am not breast feeding, but I was wrong. I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism in my right lung. I was given some medication, was released and then went home. The next day I returned to the ER for out patient care to get more medication and have blood tests done. I then went home. Through out the day the pain slowly started getting worse but I didn't pay it much mind because I figured it was suppose to hurt. So I ignored the pain and went about my day and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 am Tuesday morning in Agony. The pain was so intense it hurt worse then being in labor. Once again I thought it was Mastitis but because it was going up my left arm we called 911 and I went back to the ER. I spent about 6 hours stuck in some corner being watched over by the paramedics. It was to the point that both the paramedics and I were thinking the doctor would just come and give me some antibiotic and send me home. He didn't. He told me instead that their was a shadow on my chest x-ray on the left side of my chest. That they were going to admit me to the ER for 24 hours possibility longer so they could monitor me. I was then was transferred to the bed area of the ER. After some not so fun vital sign check ins (my pulse was way to high and the nurse didn't realize I still hadn't had pain medication) a doctor came to see me. The new ER doctor then informed me that she had looked at my CT scan from late Sunday night/early Monday morning and she didn't understand why they sent me home. It turns out I had Pulmonary Embolisms in both lungs and that my heart rate was too high/blood pressure was to low. It took some time. I was in the ER till about 3:30 Wednesday and my blood pressure is still low but my heart and oxygen levels are good. The good news is that the blood clots are small and therefore my diagnose is not fatal...unless I bleed to death from the treatment to prevent them from growing bigger/spreading.
I am still in quite a bit of pain but its manageable but I am very scared because I do not want to die.
I may be a mess, I may be broken, I may feel hollow and like nothing will fix me but I want to live.I want to get married, I want to have another child. I want to honor my loss baby boy every moment of my life. You see when I was in the hospital the hematologist told me that from looking at my blood work he does not believe I got these blood clots from having loss my child. I did not get this from child birth. I got this when I was pregnant. I complained for months to numerous doctors about left side pain, numbness in my hands and feet and was told I had a pinched nerve. Now we think otherwise, we think that I had blood clots. We won't know for sure why our baby died until we get the autopsy results in early December, even then we may never know, but I feel in my heart he died because of this. I am angry and hurt that I loss my child because I was misdiagnosed but mostly I feel awe struck. My precious little angel baby died to save me. If he had lived they may never had found the pulmonary Embolisms in time. They may never had caught them when they were small and treatable I could have died. It still hurts and I will never be okay but at least I am alive. So, no this pain won't ever go away and nothing will fix this but I want to live.-
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I am 5.5 months preggers and for the most part my friends have been super supportive/helpful. I do have this one friend who does seem excited for us but has been very vocal against kids. She is either complaining non stop about parents raising kids or young children being places where kids usually would be (parks, toy stores, conventions geared towards kids.) I am starting to take it personally.
Now mind you she's kind of a drama queen and comes from a very sheltered background. She wouldn't understand the first thing about being a parent or watching over a small child.
Right now shes doing work experience for school at a retail clothing store she's been whining quite a lot about it on FB and we have pretty much just ignored her.
Over the weekend my family got us a whole suit case of baby clothes which I posted on fb. A Lot of these clothes were onsies. Last night she made a post criticizing parents for buying onesies for their young children's halloween costumes. She said they had no imagination. I am turn between wanting to b**** slap her or showing up at her work and buying a bunch of super cute onesies...
Really though I don't know why a friend who is super selfish and a drama queen and needs to be the center of attention but really is a super sweet girls opinion on baby clothes bothers me so much.
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Cute kitty AJ! Glad to hear Gilly is OK with it too. Older cats can be quite territorial.
Thank you
we adopted him from the spca We got a kitten because I was told by numerous people Gilly would be more accepting quicker. It probably helps that he's pretty much a kitten version of the 'only' cat Gilly ever got along with.
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We got this little guy about 3 weeks ago. His name is Discord. He is so sweet. Gilly took to him quite quickly.
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I am horrible at keeping personal secrets. All my friends know this and tease me because of it, its not that I am not trustworthy I can and will keep major things that effect my friends from others but when it comes to myself I just can't keep quiet. I have a major secret I am keeping from all but my closest friends and its driving me NUTS. I find myself forced to lie to family and friends all the time but the worse thing is sitting there and pretending to care about the most stupid things.
Its really hard to sit there and be supportive when a friend starts going on about something so mudane and you are bursting at the seams to tell them your biggest secret but you can't...Even the friends that know what's going on I find it super hard to concentrate or even care about their daily struggles with other friends or what their crush last said to them (like seriously don't care) so instead I just nod and smile and pretend like everything they say is the most exciting thing in the world.
I am such a bad friend.
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Hey, I am not good at cooking too, but I just don't know how to cook. My oven no longer works, and it has not worked for months. I was using it to heat up the apartment, and then it stopped working. I'll probably make a not so useful wife. I don't have a clue when it comes to cooking, but I am really good at choosing wine, and I have someone who cleans for me.
I tend to burn everything so I feel your pain.
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I am such a horrible cook that I just burned a whole package of Jiffypop popcorn but I ate it anyways because I NEEDED popcorn and it was the only popcorn we had in the house.
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Your kitty is so cute and adorable!
Thank you
she's a furry brat as well but she's sweet.We will be getting a new kitty in the next week or so. Gilly is lonely and needs a kitty friend.
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Thought I grow a draft beard what do you guys think
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Chopped all my hair off on the weekend. It feels so much better. I also got my dashie shirt at Fanexpo ;p
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Your guys drunk antics are fun to read on my way to work in the morning
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I just finished a 10.5 hour work shift with two toddlers. One of which is potty training and who has discovered the 'magic' of NO and I don't want to... so I am not in the best mood. I just found out that due to asswipes on the number 16 causing problems my bus is MIA and the next one is not for another 15 mins. There is a crazy long bus line up right now mostly filled with old Asian ladies, I usually would let them on the bus first but screw it. I am getting on first, if someone tries to budge there will be hell to pay!
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LOL it's a slow burn. she's gonna throw AJ through a glass window-- possibly at a barber shop or something
and i'll be like "oh yea! i saw that coming!"
More like a con ;O
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I confess that I let little things bother me I really shouldnt.
Like people pretending to be something they are not really annoys me. I have a friend who sometimes pretends to like stuff she doesn't to impress people who shouldn't matter. It really upsets me because this friend is ditching those of us who have been for her always and sticking with a bad crowd.
I shouldn't care because she has to learn on her own what these people are all about but I feel used.
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The gay in this thread is making my yaoi sensors tingle.
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I am about to start a ghost analogy called "spirits of the West"... by Robert C. Berg. it's suppose to be about eerie encounters from the Prairies to the Pacific....spooky. I hope there are actual ghost stories in it.
We have been re-watching the x files lately so I have been wanting to read more supernatural stuffs.
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Representing at Fan Expo
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Thanks for the info. I looked up Relic and it was on amazon for one cent, but I'm waiting until someone else has a purchase to make so that I can just add it to theirs and avoid the $7 shipping lol.
It will make for a nice end of semester treat for me
Wow for 1 cent that is great. I paid full price for it. My copy is getting old I might have to follow suit and get the 1 cent copy as well.
I really hope you like it as much as I do.
Speaking of popular horror/thriller fiction has any one read the new stephan king book? I got it for xmas but haven't had a chance to read it. I am saving it for summer time
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Is there any order to the books? You have me wanting to read Relic. I love quirky characters, so I'm sure I'd be a fan of Pendergrast.
Relic is book 1. It introduces Pendergrast but he doesn't show up for a bit.
The second book is Reliquary which is the sequel to Relic.
The third book is when you really get to see pendergrast as a main character it's called "still life with crows." its one of my favs. Actually I have not read a pendergrast book I have not liked, the secondary characters also grow on you and become more important as the series goes on.
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I read a lot, like four or five books a month, the library is like my best friend. I read almost anything but tend to enjoy thrillers/horror and mysteries the most. I think they are fun and silly and a good way to spend a lazy afternoon.
At the moment though I pulled a old favorite off my book shelf. The Relic by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. Its a pretty good murder mystery/thriller on its own but one of the reasons I love it so much is because it introduces one of my all time favorite characters FBI agent Pendergrast. He seriously is quirky and really is what makes Preston and Child's novels work so well. I have read some of their other stuff that do not feature him or other characters from the Pendergrast novels and just did not enjoy them as much.
Anyways if anyone is looking for a good book on its own right or even is looking for a new series of novels to get into I highly recommend Relic and the other Pendergrast novels.
They did make a movie based on the book but it sucked hardcore. The movie was fun and cheesy but it lacked the elements of the book that made it so creepy. It also lacked Pendergrast which in itself should be a crime, seriously don't know why they didn't put him in The movie.
I am still in quite a bit of pain but its manageable but I am very scared because I do not want to die.
we adopted him from the spca 
confessions
in White Noise
Posted
I want to thank everyone for their support and will try and keep everyone updated. It's a struggle but I feel with help I will get through this. It's still hard because we still don't know exactly what happened to our baby and we may never know and I NEED to know. I had a pretty normal pregnancy till we lost him so it's extra difficult.
As JR suggested (it won't let me do a multi quote) I am trying to do a lot of things to calm me. I actually want to look into doing Yoga once I am physically cleared to exercise beyond walking. I find coloring to be very soothing and relaxing and now have a small collection of adult coloring books. I try to color every night and when I do I tend to have less panic attacks. I am also always on the look out to find other soothing things so feel free to suggest stuff.
The reason I am not allowed to go home for christmas is that even on the warfarin traveling such long distances so shortly after having blood clots is dangerous. If I ignored my doctors and actually went home, I'd be at risk to developing more clots. So sadly I need to stay home.
I am reacting to the tyenol 2 but it's very mild and I never had problems with them in the past. So we aren't sure yet what's going on. I may be allergic to them or they may be reacting to another medication I am on.