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Ten Years Ago Today....

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2 hours ago, Ilunga said:

Nearly everyone deals with some form of anxiety.


As well as being an Aspy I have dealt with anxiety all my life.

After finding out about my biological mother's circumstances when I was born I did some research.

I discovered that mother's can pass on their anxiety to their child in the womb. 


I almost made the same mistake with my son.

A month back he started crying and told me " life is so hard daddy".

I said don't cry son.

I was being selfish because it upset me to see him cry.

He then said I am a sensitive boy.

That's when I remembered the advice the psychologist had given me when I was a kid,crying is a controlled emotional release that is essential sometimes. 

I then told him that it was alright to cry.

I have always cuddled him and now when he gets anxious I just tell him that both his mum and dad love him very much and we will always look after him.


It breaks your heart to see the person you love the most damaged by the person who is supposed to love him.

And while there is no doubt that she does, her mental health issues are effecting him.

This has been diagnosed by several psychologists.

A complaint was made to child protection about her filming our beautiful son self harming while denigrating me in the background. 

I knew that being a parent was the most important task I would ever undertake however I never thought it would be this tough.


This life sure isn't easy at times, is it?  When the people we love the very most struggle it's so incredibly difficult.  Our instincts tell us to "fix it" but it isn't always something we can fix...we can only be there.


I have similar stories...I worry, so much, that I did pass on my anxiety when my children (especially my son) was in the womb.  I was in an abusive relationship and, at 8+ months pregnant had to flee the home one night in distress...climbed over a 6 foot fence with him in hot, rage fuelled pursuit.  This is weird because it's the first time I'm ever sharing this with anyone (my cousin was with me and she remembers it vividly...it freaked her out as she wasn't sure I'd get over that fence but I did).  I don't generally share much of this, but have been told it's my story and it's ok to do so.  It's part of me reclaiming my power/myself.  Despite him swearing me to secrecy and insisting, emphatically, I not ever share anything about him.  I never have, I've stayed very isolated and just bottled it up inside but am just now working my way through it.  Unpacking it all.  My kids have been doing so for over a decade and it's prompted me to dive in.  We're finally becoming "whole" through the process.  I am in awe of my kids and the work they've done to deal with stuff that was mostly "inherited" or brought about by stuff we did (and didn't do).  But I know how our life with him, even while they were in the womb, really shaped their paths.


Boys, in particular, face a world that tells them to suck it up and be men.  Crying is weak and they should be strong.  I'm glad you see that's ass backwards and are allowing your son to express himself....as you've said, to have a release.  It's so important.


My ex was cold and rigid with my son.  A "man's man", he was really off in his thinking and actions at times and it was glaring to me.  Didn't like him calling me Mommy when he was little (said it was sissy).  Insisted he didn't.  Never cuddled him...hugging wasn't a thing either.  My kids are quite amazing to me in that all they endured and how they have raised about it all.  My son started the chain reaction after having panic attacks as a teenager and not just accepting them, but finding help for them.  My daughter followed the same path.  They sought out information and help for their anxiety rather than just living with it unchecked.


It sounds like you have a good handle on things....true, this is the most important thing we'll ever do in life.  My hat's off to you for sharing - it really is tough.  We do our best but sometimes we learn that it has to be done a way that's just about supporting, in the best way we can.  And some of it is out of our control as others are involved in our kid's lives and can subject them to things that do greatly impact them.


Like your son's experienced, my ex has left some very deep scars and they'll never go away but the kids will learn how to navigate this world despite them.   Learn tools to get through the rough patches and not dwell there, but to stay in the moment because none of it defines who they are.


Thank you for this.  It really does help when others share their stories as we're all in this thing together.


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