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Which Ex-Canucks Do You Support?

The Stanchion

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Hey all,

As usual, whenever I have an article that I think might bring a laugh I like to share it on here with you all. If you hate it, don't like it, whatever, no offense intended, just thought it might bring a laugh to some people on here. There isn't much else to talk about with the Canucks out right now anyways, hahah. Sigh.

As Canucks fans, many of us are still struggling to find a reason to be excited about playoff hockey. For some of us, simply being a fan of hockey is enough to make watching the games exciting. Well, not too exciting, because there is only so much you can do when watching New Jersey play to be excited about a dump in, but excited enough because playoff hockey is usually pretty damn good. But for others, the lack of an emotional connection with what they are watching just doesn’t allow them to fully embrace the hockey as much as they would like. Being a year removed from watching Ryan Kesler beating the Nashville Predators single handedly makes watching the LA Kings beat up Brian Elliott not as cool in comparison. Sitting on the edge of your seat and dying with every shot taken during game seven overtime against Chicago had just a bit more impact then searching for that cheetoh you lost in the couch while the Rangers and Capitals went to their third overtime period.

You know what will help this situation and make the playoffs a little more exciting for some Canuck fans though? Supporting ex-Canucks, that’s what. We here in Vancouver can be an incredibly loyal group of fans (and very petty. We are petoyal fans.), and as such, we should use that loyalty to support some of the ex-Canucks that are still in the hunt for Lord Stanley’s Cup. If we can’t live the dream of watching Henrik lifting the Stanley Cup this spring, why not at least watch somebody who has worn the Orca lift the Cup up?

Is this a tenuous concept to try and make the rest of the playoffs more exciting? Of course it is! But using weak arguments is what allows me to accept the Canucks trading away Cam Neely for Barry Pederson (People with two syllables in their first name win more cups you know. EXTREME stats tell me this.)

To make this easy for everyone, I have split the groups up into teams. Team Mitchell consists of Willie Mitchell. Team Bernier consists of Steve Bernier and Johan Hedberg. Team Pyatt consists of Taylor Pyatt, Adrian Aucoin, Jason Labarbera, Alex Bolduc, Raffi Torres, and why not throw on Giants legend Gilbert Brule on there. Team Sabourin of the Washington Capitals will not be playing because Dany “Bathroom Break Goalie” Sabourin is not worth the photoshop effort of getting his own t-shirt. So let’s break down the teams and then you can decide which group you will support!

Team Pyatt

Pyatt was chosen as the flag bearer for this group because let’s face it, just look at those eyes. He could ask you to invest in his ESPN website and give him $5000 and you would seriously consider doing it, that is how powerful those eyes are. But Team Pyatt is not just all about Pyatt himself. Team Pyatt boasts the largest amount of ex-Canucks left in this years playoffs, which is probably the biggest reason for most Canucks fans to support them. Let’s check out a highlight of them, shall we?

And let’s pretend I posted a video of Bolduc separating his shoulder 18 times, and of Aucoin scoring on his first NHL shot.


- Raffi Torres has perhaps the best goal celebrations ever. When he scores a goal he looks like a crazed baboon who just found his first crack needle. Can you imagine what would happen if he won the Cup? Safe to say it would probably involve streaking, a Super Soaker 100, and re-enacting several scenes from Scarface.

- Adrian Aucoin was traded for Dan Cloutier. The man has suffered enough and took a huge bullet for this city. It would be nice to see him get rewarded for that.

- Jason Labarbera winning would make that Labarbera blocker and glove the Vancouver Canucks Team Store is always trying to sell shoot up in value.

- Watching Alex Bolduc separate his shoulder lifting the Cup would be worth a few laughs.

- Taylor Pyatt’s eyes would reflect really nicely off of the Stanley Cup.

- It would make your Winnipeg buddy sad that his ex-team won the Cup. Making fun of your Winnipeg buddies is always a good thing. The best way to do this is go “So hey, why did you guys give that team away again? I bet you feel pretty silly, now that they won a Cup. You guys probably should have kept that team, huh?” (Be warned, this will ALWAYS be matched with Nathan Lafayette and Mark Messier references.)


- Raffi Torres would probably throw a huge check on the Stanley Cup and put it out for 2-3 months.

- Taylor Pyatt would be unable to pass the Stanley Cup well enough so it would just be a 30 minute celebration of Pyatt continually picking the Cup off of the ice and pushing it forward a few feet

- Alex Bolduc would beat out Alex Burrows in the race to be the first AB initial French Canadian to get their name on the Cup

- Labarbera having a Cup win means his name would have to be thrown back into the mix when deciding the Canucks starting goalie next year

- Gilbert Brule won’t be able to pick up Bono when hitchhiking anymore because there wouldn’t be room in the car for the Stanley Cup AND Bono.

- Adrian Aucoin played for the Flames as well, thus tainting our enjoyment of his victory.

Team Bernier

Steve Bernier was chosen as the face of this team because quite simply I had forgotten Johan Hedberg was on the Devils. This team is probably the weakest looking team for a Canucks fan to back because let’s face it, Steve “Stone Hands” Bernier had an amazing first game with Vancouver then fell downwards the rest of his career here, and Johan “He was terrible” Hedberg, while loved by many in Vancouver, never got much of a chance to do anything because Marc Crawford hated any goalie that wasn’t Dan Cloutier. On first glance you might not think there is much of a reason to join Team Bernier and you would be right.

First, the highlights.


- If Hedberg wins, I can track down Marc Crawford, give him a knowing look, and say “Cloutier, eh?”

- Canucks fans can finally feel good about the fact we once chanted Steve Bernier’s name during a game.

- We can claim that the Sedins taught Bernier everything he knows.

- We can claim that signing Bernier to an offer sheet wasn’t a stupid move. “Uhhh, we signed a future Stanley Cup winning player. Suck it.” (Yes, it’s come to this.)

- The three people who own Bernier jerseys will be really really happy.


- Some fans will begin lamenting the fact we let Bernier go and say that is a reason we lost in the first round this year.

- Steve Bernier will have a Cup win and the Sedins will have none. This just isn’t fair.

- Kyle Wellwood will get his hopes up that next year it’s his turn to win a Cup.

- Instead of talking about the “Goalie Graveyard” in Vancouver, people will begin talking about the “Fat Player Graveyard” in Vancouver

- Some advanced stats guy somewhere will write an article in an attempt to prove to me that Steve Bernier was tragically underrated during his time here in Vancouver

Team Mitchell

This is probably the strongest entry because Vancouver loves it some Willie. Mitchell was a fan favorite during his short stay here, and holds the distinction of being one of the most hated men in the world (Minnesota series, 2003) and turning into one of the most beloved men in the world (When he played for us.) Let’s see some highlights, shall we?


- It’s Willie Freaking Mitchell

- Mitchell is a bad ass. And he is from Vancouver. We enjoy Vancouver bad asses winning the Cup. Look at this face:

That is perhaps the scariest profile picture in the NHL right now. That profile picture is what made Shea Weber grow a beard last year, in an attempt to hide from Willie Mitchell.

- Mitchell using the long stick to piss off Mike Keenan remains one of the best stories ever. This man deserves a win for making us laugh AND for annoying Mike Keenan.

- You know that Mitchell would have killed to have won a Cup for Vancouver. He bled the Canucks blue and green. And orange, black and red. And mauve, silver and whatever other colors we happen to use.

- Mitchell is one of the few people that reminds people of Trevor Linden in the way he carried himself. A victory from Mitchell means a victory for the Linden mentality. I can get behind that.

- I actually felt aftershocks the day he laid out Jonathan Toews. This alone makes me want to cheer him on for the Cup.


- Him winning a cup means Fat Drew Doughty wins a Cup.

- L.A. Kings fans, who currently have that new car scent all over them for getting past the first round for the first time in a long while, will be insufferable to be around. The worst nightmare for any Canucks fan is for a team from the West coast to win the Cup.

- Dustin Penner might mistake the Cup for a pancake and could end up eating it

- “LA Kings Quick to victory!” will be a headline that is used. I don’t like this.

- We will have to see Kelly Hrudey’s erection on CBC when the Kings win the cup. This will be akward.

- Do you like Wayne Gretzky interviews? Because get ready for 5 million of them.

- Remember that “We should have drafted Kopitar” argument? Oh it’s about to get ugly.

- Mike Richards and Jeff Carter partied like animals when they didn’t win a Cup. I don’t want to see what happens when they do win a Cup. Somehow it will end up as an episode of Breaking Bad. “A meth lab created using the Stanley Cup? How did they even….”

So which team are you on, folks? Team Mitchell has the strongest emotional ties, but has the most cons. Team Pyatt has a lot of ex-Canucks but is that enough to make you support them? Or does that turn you away from them because you are petty and don’t want victory for ex-Canucks? What about Team Bernier….hahah just kidding, nobody likes Team Bernier. So Team Mitchell, Team Bernier or Team Pyatt, which one are you?

(Feel free to choose NONE if you are bitter. I understand this.)


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Willie Mitchell. I still say if we had him at 2-2.5m We would have had a cup.

Can you imagine a Mitchell - Hamhuis shutdown pairing? *DROOL*

I also still hope to see Grabner turn his career around - though from everything I've read the guy has no heart.

Still a big fan of Big Bert & Cookie too.

But I wish all our former Canucks(Especially the ones we drafted) nothing but injury free, successful careers.

Cooke - Lapierre - Torres (Death Death troll)

Forget about Raffi too - Should have never let that headhunter go.

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I cheered on Mike Weaver a lot the last few years.. A real shutdown D and top penalty killer on St.Louis and Florida - getting 20 minutes a game.. Great player for his size, always in good position, good clearing the front of the net...

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