Getting over relationships

[Art Vandelay]

Discuss 

[Putgolzin]

^ ok, so skipping by the advice etc... you're looking for, what keeps you from putting a plan together to woo her back?

it sounds like you're in a good, confident place...what keeps you from circling back?

[SabreFan1]

9 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

First off... I am happy, healthy and doing well financially. So I don't have anything to really complain about. 

 

Hope this thread can be used as a way to get some post-relationship advice, or to vent frustrations.  

 

Lately, I've been dreaming and thinking about a girl I dated. I just can't stop thinking about her and I think it's become a problem. Not to sound creepy... but the main thing that always comes back to my mind is her hair and smell. She had beautiful long blonde hair, and whenever I dream about her, her hair is some way apart of the dream. Nothing weird about that... And for whatever reason my bed sheets always smell like how she did (the perfume I'm assuming). I've actually tried changing detergents many times because of how distracting it is.

 

We were together from ages 17 to 23. Our personalities really meshed well and would considered her my best friend during that time. Near the end of our relationship we mutually left each other because we stopped having a romantic connection and our ambitions were just too different. But honestly, I've never got along with someone as well as we did 1 on 1 or in social settings, even at the end of our relationship. We've been apart for almost 5 years now. I've had several relationships since, but remain single.

 

During the first 4 years apart I was completely over the relationship. Had no real issues moving on. I've dated two girls since the problems started, I've recently deleted my FB and twitter accounts because I needed to stop getting updates about her life (in attempt to "forget" about her), I've gone on vacation, I've worked more hours into the week, picked up a new hobby.. etc. Nothing seems to be working

 

Has anyone had problems later in life in getting over a relationship you already moved on from? 

 

I really would appreciate any advice.

Take this for what it's worth.  My first great teenage love and I broke up when we were 20 then rekindled the relationship in our early 30's.  It wasn't even close to being the same as it once was.  If you had any issues from your original relationship, they will come roaring back with a vengeance.

 

Now for the advice that is the antithesis of what I just said above.  Since the split was amicable, and you're still very young at only 28, I suggest trying to get a hold of her and see where she is in her life now.  You have nothing to lose.  It will be a life lesson and experience whether it ends up good or bad.

 

If you don't get a hold of her, I suggest getting a new bed and sheets so at least the smell will be gone...

[Psylocke]

I'm also wondering what is preventing you from reconnecting with her? 

 

Good reasons would include, she's in a relationship/married, your core values don't match, long distance, etc. 

Sometimes, love isn't enough to sustain a relationship as other factors may contribute to it not working out in the long run. Focus on those reasons. 

 

If you don't have any reason not to, you might want to give it another try. Sounds like you were both young and in a different place in your lives. Perhaps the timing will be right this time around. But also keep in mind that you've both probably changed since, and that relationship from the past is over. You have to look at this as a new relationship.  

 

And finally, there are just some people who will always hold a place in our hearts long after the relationship is over. Just have to be okay with that and keep moving on.   

[Art Vandelay]

I guess contacting her again is probably the best thing I could do. Though I fear my issue could get worse.

 

I don't have much confidence in the relationship rekindling or having a different result. 

 

10 minutes ago, SabreFan1 said:

If you don't get a hold of her, I suggest getting a new bed and sheets so at least the smell will be gone...

Ugh.

[Rosalie73]

You can try to recontact her but be sure not to have too high expectations. You have to be realistic. Good luck.

[Putgolzin]

5 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

I guess contacting her again is probably the best thing I could do. Though I fear my issue could get worse.

 

I don't have much confidence in the relationship rekindling or having a different result. 

Why?

Personal confidence sounds decent, why the doubt in the relationship?

Did she break it off originally, or did you?

[Art Vandelay]

7 minutes ago, nzan said:

Why?

Personal confidence sounds decent, why the doubt in the relationship?

Did she break it off originally, or did you?

Various reasons, mainly, we have different visions of what kind of life we want as we get older. 

 

I think if I were to connect with her again, it would remind me of why we broke up. Which honestly could be what I need to stop my issue.

 

We broke up mutually; she wanted some time away, and I then ended the relationship a few weeks later when she wanted to continue the relationship.

[Master Mind]

23 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

Various reasons, mainly, we have different visions of what kind of life we want as we get older. 

 

I think if I were to connect with her again, it would remind me of why we broke up. Which honestly could be what I need to stop my issue.

Might be what's needed, as removing her from your life completely hasn't seemed to work. It's never easy to get over a long term relationship, especially when the ones following haven't worked out.

 

Quote

We broke up mutually;

Did it go something like this?

 

 

[Putgolzin]

39 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

Various reasons, mainly, we have different visions of what kind of life we want as we get older. 

What, you were thinking of getting out of the exporting and just focusing on the importing and she was like "why not do both?"

[Psylocke]

37 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

Various reasons, mainly, we have different visions of what kind of life we want as we get older. 

 

I think if I were to connect with her again, it would remind me of why we broke up. Which honestly could be what I need to stop my issue.

 

We broke up mutually; she wanted some time away, and I then ended the relationship a few weeks later when she wanted to continue the relationship.

Was it something that you can compromise on or is it something more along the lines of one wanting kids and the other doesn't? 

 

It's possible that your minds have changed regarding the type of future you envisioned before. That's not to say that it may have changed to the point where you're both now on the same page though. 

 

You mentioned that you only recently started to think about this ex again. Could there be something else that's going on in your life that could've triggered these thoughts? It might not be that you want to get back together with her per se, but that you're just looking for someone with certain qualities that she had. 

[HI5]

Find more hobbies or try something different and keep smashing till you find the right girl. 

 

Also..might as well tske advanatage and hit the gym get ripped while your single as most people tend to let themselves go when in a relationship. 

[Art Vandelay]

30 minutes ago, nzan said:

What, you were thinking of getting out of the exporting and just focusing on the importing and she was like "why not do both?"

I'm actually an architect. 

 

45 minutes ago, Master Mind said:

Did it go something like this?

 

 

More like:

 

24 minutes ago, Psylocke said:

Was it something that you can compromise on or is it something more along the lines of one wanting kids and the other doesn't? 

 

It's possible that your minds have changed regarding the type of future you envisioned before. That's not to say that it may have changed to the point where you're both now on the same page though. 

 

You mentioned that you only recently started to think about this ex again. Could there be something else that's going on in your life that could've triggered these thoughts? It might not be that you want to get back together with her per se, but that you're just looking for someone with certain qualities that she had. 

I honestly have no idea why this recently resurfaced. I've thought about it, and can't figure it out. 

 

Im not sure if their can be a some form of reconciliation, but that's probably why it would be a good idea to meet up again. Wasn't sure what to do and I haven't talked about this with people in my life, so I guess it's good to see most responses here agree with a meet up. 

[Master Mind]

5 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

Im not sure if their can be a some form of reconciliation, but that's probably why it would be a good idea to meet up again. Wasn't sure what to do and I haven't talked about this with people in my life, so I guess it's good to see most responses here agree with a meet up. 

I'd suggest you do. Feedback from a message board is nothing compared to a real conversation.

[khay]

2 hours ago, Art Vandelay said:

First off... I am happy, healthy and doing well financially. So I don't have anything to really complain about. 

 

Hope this thread can be used as a way to get some post-relationship advice, or to vent frustrations.  

 

Lately, I've been dreaming and thinking about a girl I dated. I just can't stop thinking about her and I think it's become a problem. Not to sound creepy... but the main thing that always comes back to my mind is her hair and smell. She had beautiful long blonde hair, and whenever I dream about her, her hair is some way apart of the dream. Nothing weird about that... And for whatever reason my bed sheets always smell like how she did (the perfume I'm assuming). I've actually tried changing detergents many times because of how distracting it is.

 

We were together from ages 17 to 23. Our personalities really meshed well and would considered her my best friend during that time. Near the end of our relationship we mutually left each other because we stopped having a romantic connection and our ambitions were just too different. But honestly, I've never got along with someone as well as we did 1 on 1 or in social settings, even at the end of our relationship. We've been apart for almost 5 years now. I've had several relationships since, but remain single.

 

During the first 4 years apart I was completely over the relationship. Had no real issues moving on. I've dated two girls since the problems started, I've recently deleted my FB and twitter accounts because I needed to stop getting updates about her life (in attempt to "forget" about her), I've gone on vacation, I've worked more hours into the week, picked up a new hobby.. etc. Nothing seems to be working

 

Has anyone had problems later in life in getting over a relationship you already moved on from? 

 

I really would appreciate any advice.

Can you reconnect with her? You said different ambition and romantic connection were problems, but are they still problems? Now that you both have had chances to pursue your own ambitions for 5 years, maybe it won't be an issue anymore? And obviously, you have that romantic feel back so that shouldn't be an issue anymore, at least from your standpoint. You can try to reconnect with her, see if she can rekindle that romantic feeling with you and go from there. If she can't, then I guess there is really nothing can be done. But I would try one more time before I fold for good.

 

[Nuxfanabroad]

Appreciate your candour/openness. It's a really tough one. In my mid-20's, I lost a relationship with a girl I was crazy about. For a yr, couldn't get over her. One of the big reasons I first moved on to live in Japan.

 

The way a guy should be with a lass he's crazy about..then I think of the ideas contemporary culture(& sometimes peers) sticks in our heads about relationships. Long felt there's quite the disconnect between the two. This^ was already a quarter C ago(goodGawd!)..hard to believe how that time has slipped by. I still think of her, time to time. Hope she met a good bloke, had a couple adorable kids & is truly happy. She was the kind of woman that deserved the best. I wasn't ready for such commitment.

 

"So call her up, Romeo!" Robin Williams to Damon, in GWH..that spiel where he says the question is whether you're perfect for each other? Such a great movie. If your feelings are that strong, likely should swallow your pride & let her know. Just be 100% clear with no expectations that she feels the same. Be honest, & good luck.

[Art Vandelay]

13 minutes ago, Master Mind said:

I'd suggest you do. Feedback from a message board is nothing compared to a real conversation.

Sometimes it's good to have feedback that's unbiased. Or lacks real-life judgement. That's why psychiatrists/therapists work so well. Most of my friends and family thought she wasn't good enough for me. 

[Alflives]

2 hours ago, Art Vandelay said:

First off... I am happy, healthy and doing well financially. So I don't have anything to really complain about. 

 

Hope this thread can be used as a way to get some post-relationship advice, or to vent frustrations.  

 

Lately, I've been dreaming and thinking about a girl I dated. I just can't stop thinking about her and I think it's become a problem. Not to sound creepy... but the main thing that always comes back to my mind is her hair and smell. She had beautiful long blonde hair, and whenever I dream about her, her hair is some way apart of the dream. Nothing weird about that... And for whatever reason my bed sheets always smell like how she did (the perfume I'm assuming). I've actually tried changing detergents many times because of how distracting it is.

 

We were together from ages 17 to 23. Our personalities really meshed well and would considered her my best friend during that time. Near the end of our relationship we mutually left each other because we stopped having a romantic connection and our ambitions were just too different. But honestly, I've never got along with someone as well as we did 1 on 1 or in social settings, even at the end of our relationship. We've been apart for almost 5 years now. I've had several relationships since, but remain single.

 

During the first 4 years apart I was completely over the relationship. Had no real issues moving on. I've dated two girls since the problems started, I've recently deleted my FB and twitter accounts because I needed to stop getting updates about her life (in attempt to "forget" about her), I've gone on vacation, I've worked more hours into the week, picked up a new hobby.. etc. Nothing seems to be working

 

Has anyone had problems later in life in getting over a relationship you already moved on from? 

 

I really would appreciate any advice.

 

[Putgolzin]

19 minutes ago, Art Vandelay said:

I'm actually an architect. 

 

Oh yeah? Sweet! What firm do you work with?

My claim to fame is if you go to Houzz and look up "Architects and Building Designers" for Toronto, my little company BLDG Workshop is the top listing.

[Putgolzin]

As far as actual advice that you were originally looking for...I had a lost love in my earlier years and to this day I don't have any insight on it. The axiom 'time heals all wounds' held true, but it wasn't within a short timespan...more like ten years rather than five...and even then it was probably just because I met the only girl I ever met better than that one (who I managed to hold on to).

 

As far as the vibe on your current state...I like the idea of taking another shot. There's another saying about 'you can't step in the same river twice'...life shifts and changes and makes things different, so I would go at it with zero expectation.

Also, I wouldn't make a half-@$$ attempt at it (like call her tomorrow and be all yo wassup).

I'd take some time for real reflection prior to doing so...like time enough to take stock of your whole life and question yourself as to if you've got the wherewithal to actually see it through if it did indeed happen. And then approach it with a well crafted, planned, thoughtful approach (do you need to go in with romantic guns blasting? Do you need to plan for a long drawn-out ordeal to make her warm to you again? Or maybe she's three months into a relationship and you need to plan to stay in the weeds until that passes)

And then if it actually worked out, you probably both need to take stock of what it takes to make things work...like have your lives shifted enough over the years that you can both bridge the differences on outlook as future?

 

That's probably all I got.