AppleJack

I feel I won a small victory last night. Probably because of the clots I have quite a bit inflammation in my chest/underarm area.. So I have been basically having chest/arm pain on both sides (but more my left side) for basically three months. Its so bad I been taking T2's every day as well as using heating pads. I only take 1/4 of a T2 basically four times a day so I don't get addicted. On the weekend I took some blood tests, and had an EKG done to make sure i am healthy enough to go on a new medication. Yesterday my psychiatrist called to tell me to wait a day till she talks to my doctor before starting the medication because something showed up on my EKG. I have a 1st degree AV block. I have no idea what that meant and it was scary to hear you have something going on with your heart ( even if it wasn't an emergency) so I visited DR google and DR Google says my heart is basically beating to slow. They usually don't even treat you for this but monitor to make sure that there isn't any underlying heart issues. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday to get the inflamation looked at and to go and get a 24 hour heart monitor test thingy done. I am terrified there will be something wrong because I have had such horrible luck with my health in the past few months, but mostly because we are about to be cleared (providing there isn't any evidence of a new blood clot) to be able to try for another baby. This is something I need to do sooner then later as the thought of being pregnant again is already super scary for me. I am also 37 so my gynecologist does not want us waiting longer then necessary. Plus it will provide some much needed healing after losing our son in October. So I really don't think I can handle them telling me I have to wait even longer. My small victory was that I didn't go to the ER even though I am having quite a bit anxiety over the fact that my heart beat is slow. This is really big step for me because even two weeks ago I would have gone to the ER even after having two different doctors tell me I don't need medical treatment for this. So It shows just how far I have come in the past few weeks. I do admit I am kind of scared to take my asthma medication (symbacort) as it does make my heart race. I am going talk to my doctor about that and try to skip it for the next day and just use my inhaler if I need it.

Before I got sick and had to have food restrictions I never realized just how much of a difference food plays on your whole well being, just not physically but your emotions as well. They switched me to another blood thinner since warfarin basically stopped working and I was at risk of having a stroke or another blood clot. The new medication does not have food restrictions which means I can eat anything I want. I never been so happy to eat vegetables before in my whole life. i am sitting in metrotown eating vegetable stirfry and want to cry because I am so happy to eat it. Just don't take food for granted guys!

I started coloring as a form of therapy and now I LOVE it. I have 5 books and want to get more. I check chapters online store everyday to see what new books will be coming out. Its so relaxing and gives you a really amazing sense of accomplishment when you finish a picture. The only thing I dislike about it is that I prefer to use felts but ALL my books pages are double sided and so the felts bleed through ruining the picture on the back. I hope they either make the pages thicker or make them single sided to prevent this problem. my favorite book is my Harry Potter one my sister got me for Christmas. I am re-reading the series so its kind of neat to color some of the scenes plus its super pretty. I intend on ordering the other three HP coloring books in the series.

I totally didn't notice anyone so I apologize if you tried to catch my attention or something. I was on a mission to find cheap cat food and a calendar for 2016.

I am hearing it was in Victoria. The couch shook. I thought someone ran into our apartment or something. My cats freaked right out. I have no idea where one of them is, the other dove under the couch and isn't coming out for anything. I have bad anxiety and I am home alone Little freaked out right now.

Its so beautiful. I keep telling myself if it drops in price it will be okay to buy even though I don't need it because I own the entire series in hard cover and its in practically brand new condition. I have the editions that come with the Hogwarts school trunk so they are protected from dust, etc. I am enjoying the first one a lot more then I remember. This is the third time I have picked it up (I have read other books in the series more times ). I guess what they say is true the third time is the charm. I think I am going to re-read the whole series.

I just started to re-read the Harry Potter books. I am reading a chapter a night, with a lit candle and my baby's special bear. It makes me feel better. Its also been quite a while since I read the first book so its 'almost' like reading a new book.

Just got my hair done, Its a bit different then usual but I like it. I am letting my bangs grow out a bit so I can tuck them behind my ears. They are already driving me crazy but I think another week or two they will be long enough. I think I want to have them long enough to be there own layers. I really need to dye my hair but just can't bring myself to do it right now, plus its expensive and Christmas is expensive.. so sometime in the new year I'll get the red touched up. So there is a bit of a story behind this photo. I really was looking forward to having Christmas photos next year with our little one, so I decided today to do that anyways, so I took one with his special Christmas ornament . I thought this would be a good way to show everyone that I am doing okay. The best I can do, and to thank everyone for there support. Perhaps I am being silly but taking this photo made me feel better. Excuse my skin. All the medication I am on is really messing with my skin and I don't like wearing makeup.

My stomach is pretty messed up right now. I am going to go pick up some yogurt tomorrow to help with it. I am having a good day today. Only a mini panic attack, because I felt super nauseous earlier after taking my antibiotic (we just started me back on them). I got my hair done. I feel quite better.

I will have to talk to my doctor about that since a lot of herbal stuff contain vitamin K and I am not allowed to have a lot of Vitamin k as it reacts to Warfarin. I don't plan on being on the Tylenol 2 for very long just long enough for the antibotics to run their course and get rid of this infection...then I won't be in anymore pain. I don't really like how Tylenol 2 and other pain killers that strong make me feel but its better then being in so much pain. I was taking morphine for it earlier but they took me off of that after a few days because its addictive.

I want to thank everyone for their support and will try and keep everyone updated. It's a struggle but I feel with help I will get through this. It's still hard because we still don't know exactly what happened to our baby and we may never know and I NEED to know. I had a pretty normal pregnancy till we lost him so it's extra difficult. As JR suggested (it won't let me do a multi quote) I am trying to do a lot of things to calm me. I actually want to look into doing Yoga once I am physically cleared to exercise beyond walking. I find coloring to be very soothing and relaxing and now have a small collection of adult coloring books. I try to color every night and when I do I tend to have less panic attacks. I am also always on the look out to find other soothing things so feel free to suggest stuff. The reason I am not allowed to go home for christmas is that even on the warfarin traveling such long distances so shortly after having blood clots is dangerous. If I ignored my doctors and actually went home, I'd be at risk to developing more clots. So sadly I need to stay home. I am reacting to the tyenol 2 but it's very mild and I never had problems with them in the past. So we aren't sure yet what's going on. I may be allergic to them or they may be reacting to another medication I am on.

The problem is that Grief and Postpartum depression symptoms are pretty much the same, my psychiatrist said they are interlocked together and its very hard to separate them. So we aren't sure just how severe the Postpartum is and so basically right now we are just treating the anxiety, I do have the option of going on a daily anti-depressant but I really don't want to do that if I don't have to. I am working very hard to get through this with counseling and other anxiety/stress relief techniques. I am attending a infant loss support group and that is helping a bit, though it only meets once a month. They could send me to a Postpartum group but we feel that would probably not be very good idea. Some women who develop Postpartum depression sometimes 'regret' having children and if I have to sit there and hear some other women who has a baby talk about how she wishes she didn't it would not be very good for my mental health. Thank you. it may not seem like much but having others acknowledge our loss, and acknowledge our child did exist is pretty much the best thing anyone could do for me. I know that we can and more then likely have another child and that does offer comfort but right now things are very hard.

Thank you. I just want to feel normal again. I actually posted tonight so I could read it back and make myself realize that nothing was wrong and I was giving into the panic. I just told one of my friends that I feel like Alice in Wonderland chasing some mystery rabbit (panic), like I am stuck behind a looking glass, looking at my old normal life. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Postpartum depression a few weeks ago. Both my doctor and my Psychiatrist want me to try and work through it and if that doesn't work they will give me a daily anti-depressant. I am already on so much drugs because of the blood clots and Mastitis infection (I just can't get rid off) that we want to not put me on a daily medication unless its absolutely 100% necessary. I have started to color and that seems to calm me down for the most part but it seems that the closer that we get to Christmas the worse the attacks are getting. So the Anxiety tool kit the Councillor gave me to use aren't working as well as they were before and I am finding I am needing to use the Ativan more. This in itself is causing me panic because I know I am going to need it to get through Christmas and New Years and I am starting to run out. So I don't take them and something small turns into something big and I get stuck in the panic. The fact I actually went to this tread and wrote all this out instead of calling 911 for the billionth time in the last two months is actually a big improvement.

I feel like I am going crazy and I am scared that the doctors will realize this and throw me in the psych ward and throw away the key. i know this isn't going to happen. I am not a danger to myself or other people but I swear I am slowly losing my mind. I am freaking out over every little thing, like seriously, every little damn thing. I been going into the ER on average once a week because I am so freaked out about my health. At first it was because I thought the blood clots would return, my chest is still really bugging me and its super scary. I have also been getting horrible sinus headaches and they don't seem to be getting better. I am prone to sinus infections and so I been kind of ignoring them but now the headache is really strong... and I am starting to get really worried. Earlier today I was washing out the cupboard under the sink because we knocked down a container that had pop and beer cans in it and I of course bumped the top of my head. It wasn't very hard. I don't have bump/lump/whatever or anything. I didn't get dizzy or anything, but now my headache is even worse..and I am in full panic mode. I keep staring at my phone wanting to go get help but knowing logically its just a headache...but then my brain goes into over-drive and I keep remembering the doctors warnings to go get checked out by a doctor if you hit your head. That its dangerous being on the drug i am on and suddenly in my mind everything is so much worse then a more intense sinus headache. Like if I don't go to the hospital this instant I'll get a blood clot in my brain and die kind of worse... Obviously this won't happen and I am just being ...well...crazy. I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow and will mention it to him...and see if they have any results in from the blood work I just had done. I got tested for all sorts of nasty autoimmune disorders, including Lupus, I don't have any symptoms, so I don't really think I have that but its still something scary to be tested for....and I admit to using Dr.google... Doctor google makes EVERYTHING way worse. I also need to talk to my doctor because I am getting strange hives, and only Bendryl will make them go away. Its obviously some kind of allergic reaction. We think its either laundry detergent or one of my medications, So now I am terrified to take my medication because the next time I react it might be way worse. my throat might swell up and I won't be able to breathe,...and so I don't take my medicine. I sit around in horrible pain using a heating pad for relief because a heating pad can't cause an allergic reaction... I have ativan to help me calm down when the anxiety gets really bad but I am trying to 'save' it for Christmas because I won't be able to see the Councillor for two weeks and I am not allowed to go home to Campbell River. They say that I won't develop another clot because I am on Warfarin but that its to risky after having clots to travel such a long distance. So I won't be able to see my family for Christmas. This is very distressing to me because I am super close to my mom and step dad and it just won't feel like Christmas without being with them. I am also having a very hard time because everything reminds me of our baby, everything about this time of year is centered so much around children (like it should be) and its just a painful reminder of what I don't have. I can't handle it right now.

Health wise I guess I am okay. Developed anxiety and post partum depression which is hard to deal with especially right now with christmas and everything. I also have family members who are pregnant and seeing them is hard but I am getting by. I am getting the help I need to get better. Thanks everyone for their kind words and for supporting both TS and I in this difficult time.

Sorry everyone I am taking this to a darker place... I just need to get this out... Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but the truth is I am not strong.I am the opposite of strong, I am broken and I don't think there is anyway to fix me, So really I am the furthest thing from being strong. Everyone tells me I will be okay, but I am not okay. I will never be okay. Everyone tells me it will get better I just need to give myself time and I will heal. Its never going to get better. I feel an emptiness in the pit of my whole self. I am missing a part of me that can never be restored. So, no this emptiness isn't just going to go away in a few days or in a few weeks or a few months, it will never go away. I will never be able to hold my baby again. I will never get to read him a story, or kiss his sweet face, or rock him to sleep, I'll never even get to hear him cry. I'll never have the same joys and fears as other mothers because my worse nightmare has already happened, My baby is gone. Just gone. We lost our baby two weeks ago. He was born still, a tiny little angel without his wings. We don't know why just that he suddenly stopped moving one day, that his little heart stopped beating, that he didn't have enough oxygen, that he is gone. One day I was 24 weeks pregnant, then I wasn't.... and that is not okay. Its not okay. The pain of losing a child Its something you can't even begin to imagine not unless/ until it happens to you.... If this loss weren't bad enough to deal with, to live with, it turns out I am kind of really sick at the moment and I am super scared. On Sunday I went into the ER at RCH with chest pain and difficulty breathing. I thought I was having an anxiety attack or was getting Mastitis in my breasts because I am not breast feeding, but I was wrong. I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism in my right lung. I was given some medication, was released and then went home. The next day I returned to the ER for out patient care to get more medication and have blood tests done. I then went home. Through out the day the pain slowly started getting worse but I didn't pay it much mind because I figured it was suppose to hurt. So I ignored the pain and went about my day and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 am Tuesday morning in Agony. The pain was so intense it hurt worse then being in labor. Once again I thought it was Mastitis but because it was going up my left arm we called 911 and I went back to the ER. I spent about 6 hours stuck in some corner being watched over by the paramedics. It was to the point that both the paramedics and I were thinking the doctor would just come and give me some antibiotic and send me home. He didn't. He told me instead that their was a shadow on my chest x-ray on the left side of my chest. That they were going to admit me to the ER for 24 hours possibility longer so they could monitor me. I was then was transferred to the bed area of the ER. After some not so fun vital sign check ins (my pulse was way to high and the nurse didn't realize I still hadn't had pain medication) a doctor came to see me. The new ER doctor then informed me that she had looked at my CT scan from late Sunday night/early Monday morning and she didn't understand why they sent me home. It turns out I had Pulmonary Embolisms in both lungs and that my heart rate was too high/blood pressure was to low. It took some time. I was in the ER till about 3:30 Wednesday and my blood pressure is still low but my heart and oxygen levels are good. The good news is that the blood clots are small and therefore my diagnose is not fatal...unless I bleed to death from the treatment to prevent them from growing bigger/spreading. I am still in quite a bit of pain but its manageable but I am very scared because I do not want to die. I may be a mess, I may be broken, I may feel hollow and like nothing will fix me but I want to live.I want to get married, I want to have another child. I want to honor my loss baby boy every moment of my life. You see when I was in the hospital the hematologist told me that from looking at my blood work he does not believe I got these blood clots from having loss my child. I did not get this from child birth. I got this when I was pregnant. I complained for months to numerous doctors about left side pain, numbness in my hands and feet and was told I had a pinched nerve. Now we think otherwise, we think that I had blood clots. We won't know for sure why our baby died until we get the autopsy results in early December, even then we may never know, but I feel in my heart he died because of this. I am angry and hurt that I loss my child because I was misdiagnosed but mostly I feel awe struck. My precious little angel baby died to save me. If he had lived they may never had found the pulmonary Embolisms in time. They may never had caught them when they were small and treatable I could have died. It still hurts and I will never be okay but at least I am alive. So, no this pain won't ever go away and nothing will fix this but I want to live.

I am 5.5 months preggers and for the most part my friends have been super supportive/helpful. I do have this one friend who does seem excited for us but has been very vocal against kids. She is either complaining non stop about parents raising kids or young children being places where kids usually would be (parks, toy stores, conventions geared towards kids.) I am starting to take it personally. Now mind you she's kind of a drama queen and comes from a very sheltered background. She wouldn't understand the first thing about being a parent or watching over a small child. Right now shes doing work experience for school at a retail clothing store she's been whining quite a lot about it on FB and we have pretty much just ignored her. Over the weekend my family got us a whole suit case of baby clothes which I posted on fb. A Lot of these clothes were onsies. Last night she made a post criticizing parents for buying onesies for their young children's halloween costumes. She said they had no imagination. I am turn between wanting to b**** slap her or showing up at her work and buying a bunch of super cute onesies... Really though I don't know why a friend who is super selfish and a drama queen and needs to be the center of attention but really is a super sweet girls opinion on baby clothes bothers me so much.

Thank you we adopted him from the spca We got a kitten because I was told by numerous people Gilly would be more accepting quicker. It probably helps that he's pretty much a kitten version of the 'only' cat Gilly ever got along with.

We got this little guy about 3 weeks ago. His name is Discord. He is so sweet. Gilly took to him quite quickly.