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CDC Help Me Bring my Cousin Back


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#1 DhillonCanuck

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 03:25 AM

Ok so I have a real delicate situation. My cousins parents divorced ten years ago. Him and I were really close. In the last ten years I've only seen him twice and the last time I saw him was two years ago. I was so excited to see as it had been 7 years since I last saw him. However when I tried persuading him to come to the house he refused. He even refused to hug his mom who hadn't seen him for years. I think he might have felt betrayed that they were seperated and he had to move around for years.

After all these years I have finally got his phone number and I want to slowly try to build a friendly relationship but I have no clue what to say or how to start and how to continue to remain in touch if at all. He is a year older then me and heading into his first year of college. I have no idea what his interests are or if even cares about talking and that is why this is a delicate issue as I want him to come visit his mom. My goal is to start talking to him and remain in touch for the next year and ask him to visit next summer. I am lost please help me figure this out CDC.


Thank You

Edited by DhillonCanuck, 26 July 2012 - 12:39 AM.

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#2 Everybody Hates Raymond

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 03:57 AM

Be honest with him. Tell him that you want to get in touch with him again because he's family.

#3 SukhKular

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 05:27 AM

Invite him over for a game of NHL12. No one can resist.
I'm saying Aladeen a lot because http://forum.canucks...dpost__10922428

I bet when Schneider turns 38, he will have broken all of Luongo's records.


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#4 vancanfan

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 05:44 AM

He's your cousin man, you will finds things to talk about.

#5 Auximenes

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 06:51 AM

FIFA12, NHL12... there ya go

in all seriousness, find some common ground. Think about stuff you used to talk about when you were close as kids and try and draw parallels to today.
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#6 SukhKular

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 06:54 AM

Yeah. Seriously, it may be a little awkward at first. But if you were as close as you say you were, you'll be like best buds again in no time. Family's family.

Edited by SukhKular, 25 July 2012 - 06:54 AM.

I'm saying Aladeen a lot because http://forum.canucks...dpost__10922428

I bet when Schneider turns 38, he will have broken all of Luongo's records.


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#7 мцт вяздк чф

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 08:09 AM

goto hooters and squeeze some boobs.

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#8 lmm

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 10:02 AM

In all seriousness I must ask why you want him to speak to his mom?
If he hasn't seen her in years, she must have had a say in that situation.
If you enter this dialogue with him with an agenda (him seeing his mom) you are doomed to be distrusted by him.
I am guessing your parent (mom) and his mom are siblings and that you have more contact with his mom than he.
Ten years is a long time, if he is entering college he probably does not need the emotional upheaval at this time.
You cannot force a relationship with him and have no right to push his estranged mother on him.

NHL 12 is not a bad place to start, Facebook is probably better, you can peek into each others life and decide if there is common ground.
You need to ask ourself what it is you have to offer him. If it is just heartache and turmoil why would he want anything to do with you?
Fairy tale endings are rare, you might want to go back and read the Paperbag Princess before proceeding.
Good Luck.

#9 hockeyville88

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 10:42 AM

Tell him that just because you haven't seen or spoken to him in so many years, it doesn't mean that you've forgotten about him. Make sure that he doesn't blame you for mistakes that his parents made. You were a kid when all this happened - there wasn't much you could have done to change the course of your cousin's life. Tell him that you think about him and all the great times you guys used to have as kids and, while that phase may now be over, you are both adults now and there is still time to create a new relationship that would be equally enjoyable and beneficial to both of you.

Work on re-establishing your relationship first, before you try and help mend his relationship with his mom. And keep your relationship seperate from everyone else's in the family. Too often a family member will do something stupid and everyone suffers as a result. Maybe you can meet with him at a neutral place - coffee or dinner?? - rather than at home. Get comfortable being around each other before you do anything else.

Good luck :)
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#10 Satan's Evil Twin

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 10:49 AM

I've not spoken to my dad or that side of the family since leaving the old country. Then after about 10-11 years, I got a call from my cousin who wanted to reconnect. Even passed on my contact info to my dad. After trying a few times to care, I realized I couldn't care if the whole family was stricken by the plague and died. Including my old man. If he didn't even want to hug his mom, I wouldn't be shocked if he felt the same way. Family isn't blood relation, and he doesn't seem to be family anymore. Leave him alone, he has his own life now.

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#11 Sharpshooter

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 11:02 AM

Tell him that just because you haven't seen or spoken to him in so many years, it doesn't mean that you've forgotten about him. Make sure that he doesn't blame you for mistakes that his parents made. You were a kid when all this happened - there wasn't much you could have done to change the course of your cousin's life. Tell him that you think about him and all the great times you guys used to have as kids and, while that phase may now be over, you are both adults now and there is still time to create a new relationship that would be equally enjoyable and beneficial to both of you.

Work on re-establishing your relationship first, before you try and help mend his relationship with his mom. And keep your relationship seperate from everyone else's in the family. Too often a family member will do something stupid and everyone suffers as a result. Maybe you can meet with him at a neutral place - coffee or dinner?? - rather than at home. Get comfortable being around each other before you do anything else.

Good luck :)


This.

Don't bring up any of the family drama whatsoever....if he opens up to you, great, if not....leave it alone like it's the plague. Just work on building a new relationship. This isn't the same guy you knew when you were kids. He's changed in profound ways, as many kids of divorce may. So, you'll have to learn to become friends with him all over again......and if he means that much to you, the don't bring up your family dynamics till he's ready to. Also, be prepared to get some hesitancy or rejections. Play it cool and don't get frustrated. Invite him out to neutral places that he and you can have fun at, and then go your separate ways. Don't expect to be super-tight again, it'll take time to get back there...if it's possible.

Good luck.

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#12 Sharpshooter

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 11:04 AM

I've not spoken to my dad or that side of the family since leaving the old country. Then after about 10-11 years, I got a call from my cousin who wanted to reconnect. Even passed on my contact info to my dad. After trying a few times to care, I realized I couldn't care if the whole family was stricken by the plague and died. Including my old man. If he didn't even want to hug his mom, I wouldn't be shocked if he felt the same way. Family isn't blood relation, and he doesn't seem to be family anymore. Leave him alone, he has his own life now.


Let's hug it out homie. ::D

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#13 Special Ed

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 11:07 AM

I know a similar situation that worked out. Reccomend meeting said cousin in a neutral settings and commence with 'life is short' speech. It would be a mistake to hold old grudges. And you never know when you don't get another chance.

If you like looking at statistics to determine who's better, you're just a casual fan.

2.41 season GAA isn't very impressive. Let's not get into playoffs and his SV%.

Cory Schneider is the next Patrick Roy.


#14 Snake Doctor

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 11:07 AM

Is his mom still single? :bigblush:
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#15 6of1_halfdozenofother

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 01:08 PM

Honestly, focus on what you can control: your relationship with him. The part between him and his mom will need to be worked out by themselves; external influences rarely work if either party has no intention of making it work.

As for a suggestion: try school. You're a year behind him, you said? He's going to college? Maybe ask him for pointers in terms of academic progression.
People who label others as bandwagoners, people who tell other people "how" to cheer for their team, "how" they should act or what they should wear to "support" their team, people who only want to hear positive thoughts and don't want to read about how the team can do better - these are people who are insecure and uncomfortable within their own skin.

I'll support my team the way I choose, thank you very much. You can choose to support your team the way you want to, and I won't judge you on it as long as you don't try to force your beliefs on me. I'll also be quick to point out where I think the team can do better, because identifying that there is a problem is the first step to fixing it; denying or ignoring a problem won't solve anything.

Go Canucks Go.

#16 :D

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 03:06 PM

I think I get what's going on. Next time you see him, lean in for a kiss and see where it goes.

#17 Squeak

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 04:50 PM

I honestly thought this thread was going to be something else.

i.e. Help with my cousin.... into liking me.
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#18 Buddhas Hand

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 04:57 PM

I've not spoken to my dad or that side of the family since leaving the old country. Then after about 10-11 years, I got a call from my cousin who wanted to reconnect. Even passed on my contact info to my dad. After trying a few times to care, I realized I couldn't care if the whole family was stricken by the plague and died. Including my old man. If he didn't even want to hug his mom, I wouldn't be shocked if he felt the same way. Family isn't blood relation, and he doesn't seem to be family anymore. Leave him alone, he has his own life now.


Thinking of ya brother


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#19 Argon

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 06:24 PM

step one; cut a hole in a box
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#20 triangulate

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 06:40 PM

errr.

he could swallow some cement and harden the frack up.

#21 diagfplz

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 08:37 PM

I just had a HIMYM binge. The thread title had me thinking about a completely different problem.

That or I watch too much pr0n

#22 I♥Wellwood

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 08:48 PM

This doesnt directly relate to what you're asking for but I've gotta say this to those who say "family is family" or "we'll always be blood", "blood is thicker than water", etc .... blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family. There's a difference.

Aside from that, I wish you the best of luck with your cousin. Just remember that you can't push him to reconnect if he doesn't want to. He could have reasons that you aren't aware of.

Edited by I♥Wellwood, 25 July 2012 - 08:49 PM.

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#23 nux4lyfe

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 08:59 PM

I am your cousin, I know your plan know..you'll need better suggestion and lot's of money.

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#24 DhillonCanuck

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 12:36 AM

Thx guys I was thinking the same. Plus The reason why I feel he felt betrayed by his mom was because she handed him over to the dad when she had custody. This was because he needed a better education not because she is a bad mom and when she tried to bring him back the dad wouldn't let him come and she didn't want to go to court. So I believe they can mend their relationship but first I want to create a friendly relationship with him and then worry about that later.
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