Cheesy Joke Thread

[Heretic]

Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[Sweathog]

My friend's mom is so dumb, she sold her TV to pay the cable bill.

My friend's mom is so dumb, she once walked by the YMCA and yelled, "What idiots! They spelled MACYs wrong!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Canucks, Canadians, and a Leafs fan were walking down the street when they were captured by bandits and taken to the middle of a desert. Once they got there, the bandit leader said, "We're sporting men, we'll let you go and you can try to walk across the desert to civilization. You all have to leave separately, but you can each take one item with you."

The Canuck fan, who was first, said, "I'll take a canteen of water, so when I get thirsty, I can have a drink."

The Canadians fan said, "I'll take a fan, so when I get hot, I'll just fan myself and cool off."

Leafs fan, "I'll take a car door with me, so when it gets hot I'll just roll down the window!"

[Undrafted]

Mrs. White is out doing her grocery shopping with her son Billy. They stop at the local butcher shop, where Mrs. White asks the butcher what the special of the day is.

"We have Damm ham at 50¢ a pound", the butcher answers.

Mrs. White, a staunch social conservative, is horrified and covers Billy's ears. "Sir, you should not use that kind of language in the presence of children!!" she scolds.

"Ma'am, that's the name of this type of ham, named after the German valley where it comes from," the butcher patiently explains.

Mollified by the explanation, Mrs. White says (with a bit of embarrassment), "Very well, I'll take two pounds of the Damm ham, then."

Later in the evening, Mr. White comes home from work and is greeted by Billy at the door. "Hi, son! What's your mother cooking for dinner? It smells wonderful!"

Billy answers, "She's making Damm ham."

Mr. White is shocked and yells at Billy, "YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG MAN!!!"

Mrs. White hears the commotion and explains to her husband about the Damm ham and it's name. Mr. White calms down and waits for dinner to be served.

Minutes later, the three of them sit at the table. Just after Mr. White has finished saying their pre-dinner prayers, their troublesome teenage daughter strolls in, late as usual.

Mr. White give his daughter a dirty look, then gruffly asks his wife, "Pass the Damm ham, please."

At which the daughter exclaims, "That's the spirit, dad! Now someone pass the F&@%ing potatoes!!"

[Heretic]

St.Peter & The Hoods

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly gates when two tough-looking wise-guys arrive, wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back.

" St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

[Time Lord]

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?

Because then Toronto would want one.

[Heretic]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Fosters.

She didn't like it...so I had it.

Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.

By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[AriGold]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus to laugh ?

Ten Tickles

[Heretic]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Heretic]

To whom does the land of Israel belong? The Palestinian people say it's theirs.

An Israeli with a sense of humor at the United Nations set the record straight. His ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

That representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'"

"Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them!"

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that you've have made that clear..."

[Heretic]

Okay, here's the cheese of the day:

Love

A teacher asks a student: "What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?"

"A woman like the moon!" Answers the kid.

"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?"

"No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!"

Death

After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father."

The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.

"What is it mother?" he whispers.

"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral"

Hope

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage certificate for over an hour!"

Husband: "Yea, I'm checking for an expiration date."

Neighbours

"The new neighbours are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs her, kisses her and strokes her hair. Why don't you do that?"

"Because I don't know her that well."

Donations

Knock on the door.

"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?"

"Yes, actually." Beams the old man.

"Inge, put your jacket on and pack a suitcase!"

Shopping

An elderly couple are walking in the city, hand in hand, when they pass a jewellery store.

The wife turns to her husband with a smile:

"Love, would you buy me a chain?"

"Why?" Asks the husband, "Tired of being free?"

Qualities

A woman asks her husband:

"What do you like about me the most? My beautiful face or my sexy body?"

The husband gives her an appreciating look and says "your sense of humour".

[Gross-Misconduct]

What is green and insulting?

Don Pickles

[ABNuck]

A ham sandwich and a cheese sandwich walk into a bar.

The ham sandwich says "I'll have a beer"

The cheese sandwich says "I'll have a rum and coke"

The bartender says "sorry guys, we don't serve food in here"

True story

[ABNuck]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey we have a beer named after you!"

The grasshopper says "you have a beer named Bob?"

[ABNuck]

John and Peter were driving truck one day when they happened upon a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. John slams on the brakes, hops out and yells "I'm going to get me some of that action". Peter jumps out running after John and asks "can I get some of that action too?" "Sure!" replies John. Peter then queries "Do I have to put my head in the fence too?"

True story...

[ABNuck]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just 1...but the light bulb really has to want to change.

[ABNuck]

A wife finally nags her husband enough for him to join her at the mixed couples golf night at their home course. Things start out well but by the back nine the husband has grown weary of his wife's complete lack of golf skills. Finally on the 16th, as she sets up ahead of her husband on the reds, his patience had reached its limit. Not wanting to wait for her to shank another ball into landscape oblivion, he tees up on the blues and strokes a line drive. To his horror the ball fades hard in a line drive right into the back of his wife's head. She is pronounced dead on the scene. A week later the county coroner summons the husband and his physician to the morgue to discuss his findings. He declares "without a doubt the cause of death was the golf ball which entered the back of her skull and drove 3" into her brain. But oddly enough that wasn't the strangest thing we discovered. We also found another golf ball lodged 6" deep up her rectum." The husband boldly pronounced "not to worry, that was just my mulligan."

[Heretic]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Heretic]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as

hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..

'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they

weren't fooling around.'

[Heretic]

John decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit golfing.

Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

John gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[Heretic]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times

For public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late