Cheesy Joke Thread

[TheFleetwoodMack]

Why is a calendar sad? Because it's days are numbered

[Heretic]

This is the honest truth!

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-

Ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

[Ronalds.Kenins41]

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-'

And then he died.

I hate this story, why did you post it here. I read all of that thinking I would A) discover why he needed the balls and was expecting a laugh out of the story.

[jdatb]

I hate this story, why did you post it here. I read all of that thinking I would A) discover why he needed the balls and was expecting a laugh out of the story.

Known as probably the harshest anti joke of all time

[Amish Rake Fighter]

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

Horse says, "I just found out I have AIDS."

that one's not for everyone

[Heretic]

CATHOLIC CONVENT UPGRADE

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their
habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[Honky Cat]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer, and women with big tits”.

[Heretic]

How old is Grandma? (Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

Our lives were governed by good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' "chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.

' "software" wasn't even a word.

We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

We volunteered to protect our precious country.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a Generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????

This woman would be only 62 years old.

She would have been born in late 1952.

[c00kies]

McDonald's would have been heard of...it was founded in 1954ish and definitely would have been around when she was a kid (like 7 years old).

You can do a similar joke (or w/e you call it) with a 20 year old (born 1994) instead.

Still, it is pretty interesting.

[Honky Cat]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef....

[Heretic]

Why shouldn't you eat clocks?

Because it's time consuming.

And for those born in the last century:

[LaBamba]

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

1/2 a cat.

[Horvat]

Q: what the difference between a goat and a lamb?

A:

- Sheep or lambs are mammals which belong to the Bovidae family and the Ovis aries species while a goat is a mammal which also belongs to the Bovidae family but is of the Capra hircus species.

- Goats have 60 chromosomes while a lamb has 54.

- Both eat plants but goats eat the tops of plants rather than those near the ground like lambs do.

- Goats are intelligent and independent while lambs are very dependent on each other. They get lost when separated from the flock.

- Goats smell and tend to attract parasites such as lice and ringworms while lambs are less smelly and tend to become infected with stomach worms.

- Sheep milk has a higher fat content than goat milk.

- Goat meat is leaner, lower fat, and less cholesterol while lamb meat has a higher fat and cholesterol content.

- Goats have hair that does not need to be sheared regularly while sheep or lambs have fleece that is sheared at least once a year.

- Lambs have cropped tails and are typically hornless while goats have horns and tails that can point up.

[Gross-Misconduct]

What has wings but cant fly?

[jdatb]

What has wings but cant fly?

Ur mahm?

[Gross-Misconduct]

Ur mahm?

[Dral]

Saw this on FB, laughed too much

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!

[CanucksFan2323]

what's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A $100 Bill

[c00kies]

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

1/2 a cat.

Or a non-menopausal woman every month.

[jdatb]

what's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A $100 Bill

*$1 Bill