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Shopping at Home Depot

 

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ..........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the e inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Home Hardware. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

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Aunt Colleen

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class this assignment:

"Have your Parents relate an interesting story to you which has

a strong moral and then tell the class about it tomorrow."


The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

Then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.


"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Colleen.

She was an Air Force pilot flying an A-10 "Warthog" over northern Iraq during Desert Storm.

After her aircraft was hit by a ground-to-air missile which took out all the hydraulics, she had to bail out over enemy territory.

All she was able to take with her was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down to give herself a little nerve.

She abruptly landed in the middle of 20 astonished Iraqi soldiers and shot 15 of them dead with her weapon until it jammed, then she killed four more with her knife and did the last one in with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your Father tell you should we take from this horrible story??

 

My Father said, "To stay the hell away from Aunt Colleen when she's been drinking."

 

Note: Can't remember if I or someone else has already posted this.

 

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HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP  STRAIGHT FACES ?

 

These are from a book called  Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters  that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking  place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing  your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I,  Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset  you?
WITNESS: My name is  Susan!
***
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at  the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and  Reeboks.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually  active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie  there.
***
ATTORNEY: What is your date of  birth?
WITNESS: July  18th.
ATTORNEY: What  year?
WITNESS: Every  year.
***
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the  one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or  thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with  you?
WITNESS: Forty-five  years.
***
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis,  does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it  affect your memory?
WITNESS: I  forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give  us an example of something you forgot?
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true  that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until  the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the  bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the  20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your  IQ.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your  picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding  me?
***
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception  (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were  you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting  laid
***
ATTORNEY: She had three children ,  right?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were  boys?
WITNESS:  None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any  girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I  need a different attorney. Can I get a
new  attorney?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first  marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By  death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it  terminated?
WITNESS: Take a  guess.
***
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium  height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a  female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in  town I'm going with male.
***
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here  this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your  attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I  dress when I go to  work.
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your  autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live  ones put up too much of a fight.
***
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be  oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral...
***
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time  that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started  around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at  the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the  time I  finished.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give  a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask  that question?

 

And  last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you  performed the autopsy, did you check for  a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for  blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So,  then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the  autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,  Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was  sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the  patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that  he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

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An Interesting History Lesson

 

For those of you who don't know the history of train tracks, read on.....especially to the end -- there is an impact on the space shuttle
RAILROAD TRACKS ....

 

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used ?


Because that's the way they built them in Scotland, and Scottish expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the Scottish build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then ? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing ?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the long distance roads in Scotland, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads ? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe(including Scotland)for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads ?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever....

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this ?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)


Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horses' asses.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ?

Ancient horses' asses control almost everything.. and current Horses' Asses in government are controlling everything else !

 

AND HERE ENDETH THE LESSON!

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Three Stars
 
Many years ago at the old Montreal Forum at the end of the game between Canadiens and the Red Wings,

the Colour Commentator (CC) was asking Rocket Richard (RR) for his comments on the game and to name the three stars.

 

CC:  Well, Rocket, quite a fast game tonight.

RR:  Dats for shore!

CC:  So, who's your first star?

RR:  Well, for my first star I 'ave to pick Jean Beliveau.  He score two goal and 'ad one assist.

CC:  and your second star?

RR:  For my second star I 'ave to pick my broder Ohnree.  He score one goal.

        He skate good boat ways.  He was all over da hice.

CC:  and your third star?

RR:  Well, for my turd star I 'ave to pick Boom Boom Geoffrion.  He skate. He shoot de puck.  And he 'ad two assist.

CC:  Well, Rocket, if you had an honourable mention, who would it be.

RR:   I 'ave to say Gordie 'Owe.  If it wasn't for his four goals, we would have won da frackin game.

 

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The Zipper


 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough to reach the first step.

 

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip all the way, but she was still unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"

 

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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  • 3 weeks later...

images.jpeg.b3318cc13941c2e7596aa225980b023c.jpeg

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he request, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun…"

 

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
 

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Snotty Receptionist

 

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

When I was young, my mom would send me to the store with a single dollar; and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2  loaves of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and a dozen eggs.

 

Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.

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Are you a handyman?  

 

Essential Handyman Tools

 

SKILL SAW - A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $&!#'.  Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS – Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!

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2 hours ago, Heretic said:

Are you a handyman?  

 

Essential Handyman Tools

 

SKILL SAW - A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh $&!#'.  Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS – Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!

Too funny! :lol:

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VINCENT VAN GOGH'S  FAMILY TREE

 

                His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

                The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

                The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

                The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

                His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-Diddy Gogh

                His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

                The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

                The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-Far Gogh

                The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

                The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

                The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

                An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

                The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

                A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

                And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------ Winnie Bay Gogh

 

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