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Smart Cops

 

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... 

 

 

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' 
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

 

 


Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' 
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

 

 

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' 
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

 

 


Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

 


Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' 
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

 

 


Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' 
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

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Fishing or foreplay 


 Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this lousy weather?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

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Not sure if the Bible made a mistake, or it was just an oversight, but when Moses was leading his people out of Egypt a the crossing of the Red Sea, it should have been clear to the reader that he was smiling but also had tears streaming down his face.

 

Spoiler

You know, because parting is such sweet sorrow.

 

I'm sure you have all heard about various animal grouping names, like a murder of crows, pride of lions, or parliament of owls.  Well, I found one for wildebeests.

 

Spoiler

They're a gnusance

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

 

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.

 

Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

 

"Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

 

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?" 

 

Jim nods.

 

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

 

"Nah, we don't like that British crap", says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim?  And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

 

John replies, "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."

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  • 1 month later...

SPAGHETTI

 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.   One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
 
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
 
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
 
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Three with meatballs, two without.”
 
Send extra sauce.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Here is old age at its best.

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
 
One day Larry didn't show up.  Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..  But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried.
 
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
 
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!
 
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
 
Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
 
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail!' cried Bob.  What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
 
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her.  What about her?
 
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
 
'The  judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

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  • 3 weeks later...

Smith climbed to the top of  Mt.  Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute."
Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."
Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replied, "In a minute."

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New Ford Truck -- I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old. The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing an “I love Trudeau” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.

 "I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your butt year-round!" I had to walk back to the dealership. But it was worth it.

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