Jump to content
The Official Site of the Vancouver Canucks
Canucks Community

Cheesy Joke Thread

Rate this topic


Salter

Recommended Posts

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The man's wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

Then the cop says, "Well since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir." the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No!" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!"

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -a reason I've never before heard- I'll let you go". The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment

My my ...  

    

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.    

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'    

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.    

'Please Ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'    

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!  This American should be put in his place!'    

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  

And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.
   

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

Ancestors - A Historical Spin

 

The Taylor's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars.

They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them.  Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair.

The writer said she could handle the story tactfully.

When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:

 

Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

From a Cat's Diary

 

Day 983 of my captivity.  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  Bastards.

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of  'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. 

 

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move. 

My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now...

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire pay.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment

Assorted Jokes


As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
 
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
 
Lance Armstrong:

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my f-ing bike.
 
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV,  just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!
 
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
 
VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of  $25.  Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf.  Absolute waste of  money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
 
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

Computer Skills

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
                            

Tech  support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:   A  white one...

Tech  support:  Click  on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?
                   ****************************
Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.
                  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it  can't find it..
Tech  support:   What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

                    ***************************
Customer:  My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech  support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No.  I can't  get behind the computer.
Tech  support:   Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:   OK
Tech support:  Did the  keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard  is not plugged in.

                    ****************************
Customer:  I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:   Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech  support:   Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five dots.

                    ****************************
Tech  support:   What  anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

                    ****************************
Tech support:   How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:   OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

                    ****************************

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

                    ****************************

Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech  support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

A Redneck Vasectomy

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'


The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me,' said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia and ALL of Washington DC. & parts of Canada west of Red Deer.

 

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
12 hours ago, JAY JAY said:

A Redneck Vasectomy

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'


The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me,' said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia and ALL of Washington DC. & parts of Canada west of Red Deer.

 

I wish i could upvote this twice

Link to comment

The Dead Horse

 

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

 

Donald is now in the White House.

Link to comment

A Problem with the Donkey
 
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.

 

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

 

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 

The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

 

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

 

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Link to comment

$580,000 Mortgage

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said 'Son we’d give you one but the mortgage on this house is $580,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There’s no way we can afford it.'


The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

 

I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000 mortgage and no frack'in bike!

 

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down".

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three"...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses".

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... good, good. Now faster, come on... fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!"

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!"

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment

A psychiatrist was
conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.
"He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother, Alice, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, ..... "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week" Bill explained "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering "My old man's home! My old man's home!"

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...