confessions

[AppleJack]

4 hours ago, gurn said:

 I'm sure your doctor has pointed out that your symptoms are not unique, many moms go through the emotional blender you are experiencing, some to a greater or lesser degree. With the proper medical and family support as well as friends you WILL BE fine.

 

I edited this post because somebody else on the forum, that cares about you, pointed out a mistake I made. I am sorry for your loss.

I am the only child, of six attempts, to have made it beyond 2 weeks of life. It was extremely hard on my folks, but with help they made it through the darkness and without their persistence I would not be here. Family and true friends will help you through this.

The problem is that Grief and Postpartum depression symptoms are pretty much the same, my psychiatrist said they are interlocked together and its very hard to separate them. So we aren't sure just how severe the Postpartum is and so basically right now we are just treating the anxiety, I do have the option of going on a daily anti-depressant but I really don't want to do that if I don't have to. I am working very hard to get through this with counseling and other anxiety/stress relief techniques. I am attending a infant loss support group and that is helping a bit, though it only meets once a month. They could send me to a Postpartum group but we feel that would probably not be very good idea. Some women who develop Postpartum depression sometimes 'regret' having children and if I have to sit there and hear some other women who has a baby talk about how she wishes she didn't it would not be very good for my mental health.

Thank you.  it may not seem like much but having others acknowledge our loss, and acknowledge our child did exist is pretty much the best thing anyone could do for me.

I know that we can and more then likely have another child and that does offer comfort but right now things are very hard.

 

[aGENT]

2 hours ago, AppleJack said:

I do have the option of going on a daily anti-depressant but I really don't want to do that if I don't have to. I am working very hard to get through this with counseling and other anxiety/stress relief techniques. 

Good. If at all possible, try to do it without the pills  

Try to immerse yourself as often as possible in things that are calming, soothing etc. Do yoga or meditate, take walks in nature, enjoy a bath, cuddle up with a loved one for some favourite movies, bake cookies etc. Literally ANYTHING that makes you feel happy/comfortable/relaxed/loved etc.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas 

[Putgolzin]

20 hours ago, AppleJack said:

I also need to talk to my doctor because I am getting strange hives, and only Bendryl will make them go away. Its obviously some kind of allergic reaction. We think its either laundry detergent or one of my medications, So now I am terrified to take my medication because the next time I react it might be way worse. my throat might swell up and I won't be able to breathe,...and so I don't take my medicine. I sit around in horrible pain using a heating pad for relief because a heating pad can't cause an allergic reaction...

They say that I won't develop another clot because I am on Warfarin but that its to risky after having clots to travel such a long distance. So I won't be able to see my family for Christmas. This is very distressing to me because I am super close to my mom and step dad and it just won't feel like Christmas without being with them.

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're battling through this, to deal with this level of pain that's what you have to be, a warrior. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

Don't worry about the hives, they're a reaction to the anxiety/stress. It's pretty common. As much as I also hate Dr. Google, he can back me up on that one. 

I would also bug your doctor a bit harder to be OK with you going home for Christmas. Your mental/spiritual (and I'd venture even physical) health would benefit so much from just having something enjoyable to look forward to...and to be around loving, supportive people all the more. And it's not like you're travelling eight hours into the jungle, they still had doctors in Campbell River last time I was there.

 

Edited December 18, 2015 by nzan

[AppleJack]

4 minutes ago, nzan said:

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're battling through this, to deal with this level of pain that's what you have to be, a warrior. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

Don't worry about the hives, they're a reaction to the anxiety/stress. It's pretty common. As much as I also hate Dr. Google, he can back me up on that one. 

I would also bug your doctor a bit harder to be OK with you going home for Christmas. Your mental/spiritual (and I'd venture even physical) health would benefit so much from just having something enjoyable to look forward to...and to be around loving, supportive people all the more. And it's not like you're travelling eight hours into the jungle, they still had doctors in Campbell River last time I was there.

 

I want to thank everyone for their support and will try and keep everyone updated. It's a struggle but I feel with help I will get through this. It's still hard because we still don't know exactly what happened to our baby and we may never know and I NEED to know. I had a pretty normal pregnancy till we lost him so it's extra difficult.

As JR suggested (it won't let me do a multi quote) I am trying to do a lot of things to calm me. I actually want to look into doing Yoga once I am physically cleared to exercise beyond walking. I find coloring to be very soothing and relaxing and now have a small collection of adult coloring books. I try to color every night and when I do I tend to have less panic attacks. I am also always on the look out to find other soothing things so feel free to suggest stuff.

The reason I am not allowed to go home for christmas is that even on the warfarin traveling such long distances so shortly after having blood clots is dangerous. If I ignored my doctors and actually went home, I'd be at risk to developing more clots. So sadly I need to stay home.

I am reacting to the tyenol 2 but it's very mild and I never had problems with them in the past. So we aren't sure yet what's going on. I may be allergic to them or they may be reacting to another medication I am on.
 

[aGENT]

32 minutes ago, AppleJack said:

I am reacting to the tyenol 2 but it's very mild and I never had problems with them in the past. So we aren't sure yet what's going on. I may be allergic to them or they may be reacting to another medication I am on.
 

I don't know how you feel about such things but... You may also consider looking in to some 'Phoenix Tears' from your local dispensary for pain relief without all the nasty side effects of Tylenol 2 and 3. That stuff isn't good for you, especially long term. 

[AppleJack]

16 hours ago, J.R. said:

I don't know how you feel about such things but... You may also consider looking in to some 'Phoenix Tears' from your local dispensary for pain relief without all the nasty side effects of Tylenol 2 and 3. That stuff isn't good for you, especially long term. 

I will have to talk to my doctor about that since a lot of herbal stuff contain vitamin K and I am not allowed to have a lot of Vitamin k as it reacts to Warfarin.
I don't plan on being on the Tylenol 2 for very long just long enough for the antibotics to run their course and get rid of this infection...then I won't be in anymore pain. I don't really like how Tylenol 2 and other pain killers that strong make me feel but its better then being in so much pain.

I was taking morphine for it earlier but they took me off of that after a few days because its addictive.
 

[aGENT]

Also take probiotics with your antibiotics. Those things mess with your stomach pretty bad.

[AppleJack]

11 hours ago, J.R. said:

Also take probiotics with your antibiotics. Those things mess with your stomach pretty bad.

My stomach is pretty messed up right now. I am going to go pick up some yogurt tomorrow to help with it.

I am having a good day today. Only a mini panic attack, because I felt super nauseous earlier after taking my antibiotic (we just started me back on them). I got my hair done. I feel quite better.

[aGENT]

9 hours ago, AppleJack said:

My stomach is pretty messed up right now. I am going to go pick up some yogurt tomorrow to help with it.

I am having a good day today. Only a mini panic attack, because I felt super nauseous earlier after taking my antibiotic (we just started me back on them). I got my hair done. I feel quite better.

Sounds like you could use more than just yogurt. I'd recommend this :

Take one with every meal. 

Edited December 19, 2015 by J.R.

[brilac]

I confess -

I really love this holiday shopping, except for Saturday. I went shopping in Vancouver, and came home last night to Seattle, and today after work I just had to stop by the Banana Republic to see if there was anything I missed as well as the Gap, and I missed 5 items, which I bought.  But after the New Year, I decided that I may not shop for a month. Last year I was really successful at it for a month, I went down to San Francisco for the day, and did zero shopping.

[brilac]

One time last year at a Canucks game, I had a little more than my usual amount of wine ( I think I drank before going to the game), and the start of 3rd period, I had sat down in the wrong seat, and I noticed the people beside me looked different, and honestly thought they had traded tickets in the middle of the game with someone else, until the person who actually had the seat came up and advised it was his seat.  I got confused until someone else told me where my seat was, at least I got the row right.  Thank goodness someone else knew where my seat was because I apparently I didn't.  Then I went to another Canucks game 2 days later, and remembered exactly where my seat was and remembered not to have my more than usual amount of wine.

[Sean Monahan]

I confess...I just walked by @AppleJack at New West skytrain station. I know that sounds creepy af too

[AppleJack]

1 hour ago, Wild Sean Monahan said:

I confess...I just walked by @AppleJack at New West skytrain station. I know that sounds creepy af too

I totally didn't notice anyone so I apologize if you tried to catch my attention or something. I was on a mission to find cheap cat food   and a calendar for 2016.

[Sean Monahan]

46 minutes ago, AppleJack said:

I totally didn't notice anyone so I apologize if you tried to catch my attention or something. I was on a mission to find cheap cat food   and a calendar for 2016.

Haha I was in a rush and wasn't 100% sure it was you until right when we passed so I didn't say hi. Plus I thought it seemed sort of weird. I was wearing a brown jacket and a navy baseball hat and we walked by each other right at the corner outside of the spaghetti factory.

[Mainly Mattias]

how many of us cdcers pass each other by without knowing?    alas, it's what happens when we don't post in the post your face thread.

[Sean Monahan]

7 minutes ago, Mainly Mattias said:

how many of us cdcers pass each other by without knowing?    alas, it's what happens when we don't post in the post your face thread.

I ask myself that pretty much every day lol

[Twilight Sparkle]

im out and about in new west a lot :x so far only one person has ever seen me LOL

[aGENT]

6 hours ago, Twilight Sparkle said:

im out and about in new west a lot :x so far only one person has ever seen me LOL

I have a feeling we bump in to each other  at the Four Winds tasting room one evening 

[AppleJack]

I started coloring as a form of therapy and now I LOVE it. I have 5 books and want to get more. I check chapters online store everyday to see what new books will be coming out. Its so relaxing and gives you a really amazing sense of accomplishment when you finish a picture.
The only thing I dislike about it is that I prefer to use felts but ALL my books pages are double sided and so the felts bleed through ruining the picture on the back.

I hope they either make the pages thicker or make them single sided to prevent this problem.

my favorite book is my Harry Potter one my sister got me for Christmas. I am re-reading the series so its kind of neat to color some of the scenes plus its super pretty. I intend on ordering the other three HP coloring books in the series.

[Sean Monahan]

15 hours ago, Twilight Sparkle said:

im out and about in new west a lot :x so far only one person has ever seen me LOL

I haven't so much the last year but I wonder if I'd seen you in my pre-CDC days and didn't know it