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Twilight Sparkle

By Twilight Sparkle
in White Noise

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AppleJack Canucks Second-Line

AppleJack

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Sorry everyone I am taking this to a darker place... I just need to get this out...

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but the truth is I am not strong.I am the opposite of strong, I am broken and I don't think there is anyway to fix me, So really I am the furthest thing from being strong.

Everyone tells me I will be okay, but I am not okay. I will never be okay.  Everyone tells me it will get better I just need to give myself time and I will heal. Its never going to get better.  I feel an emptiness in the pit of my whole self. I am missing a part of me that can never be restored. So, no this emptiness isn't just going to go away in a few days or in a few weeks or a few months, it will never go away. I will never be able to hold my baby again. I will never get to read him a story, or kiss his sweet face, or rock him to sleep, I'll never even get to hear him cry. I'll never have the same joys and fears as other mothers because my worse nightmare has already happened, My baby is gone. Just gone. 

We lost our baby two weeks ago. He was born still,  a tiny little angel without his wings. We don't know why just that he suddenly stopped moving one day,  that his little heart stopped beating, that he didn't have enough oxygen, that he is gone. One day I was 24 weeks pregnant, then I wasn't.... and that is not okay. Its not okay. The pain of losing a child Its something you can't even begin to imagine not unless/ until it happens to you.... 

If this loss weren't bad enough to deal with, to live with, it turns out I am kind of really sick at the moment and I am super scared.

On Sunday I went into the ER at RCH with chest pain and difficulty breathing. I thought I was having an anxiety attack or was getting Mastitis in my breasts because I am not breast feeding, but I was wrong. I was  diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism in my right lung. I was given some medication, was released and then went home. The next day I returned to the ER for out patient care to get more medication and have blood tests done. I then went home. Through out the day the pain slowly started getting worse but I didn't pay it much mind because I figured it was suppose to hurt. So I ignored the pain and went about my day and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 am Tuesday morning in Agony. The pain was so intense it hurt worse then being in labor. Once again I thought it was Mastitis but because it was going up my left arm we called 911 and I went back to the ER. I spent about 6 hours stuck in some corner being watched over by the paramedics. It was to the point that both the paramedics and I were thinking the doctor would just come and give me some antibiotic and send me home. He didn't. He told me instead that their was a shadow on my chest x-ray on the left side of my chest. That they were going to admit me to the ER for 24 hours possibility longer so they could monitor me. I was then was transferred to the bed area of the ER. After some not so fun vital sign check ins (my pulse was way to high and the nurse didn't realize I still hadn't had pain medication) a doctor came to see me. The new ER doctor then informed me that she had looked at my CT scan from late Sunday night/early Monday morning and she didn't understand why they sent me home. It turns out I had Pulmonary Embolisms in both lungs and that my heart rate was too high/blood pressure was to low. It took some time. I was in the ER till about 3:30 Wednesday and my blood pressure is still low but my heart and oxygen levels are good. The good news is that the blood clots are small and therefore my diagnose is not fatal...unless I bleed to death from the treatment to prevent them from growing bigger/spreading. :(   I am still in quite a bit of pain but its manageable but I am very scared because I do not want to die.
I may be a mess, I may be broken, I may feel hollow and like nothing will fix me but I want to live.I want to get married, I want to have another child. I want to honor my loss baby boy every moment of my life. You see when I was in the hospital the hematologist told me that from looking at my blood work he does not believe I got these blood clots from having loss my child. I did not get this from child birth. I got this when I was pregnant. I complained for months to numerous doctors about left side pain, numbness in my hands and feet and was told I had a pinched nerve. Now we think otherwise, we think that I had blood clots. We won't know for sure why our baby died until we get the autopsy results in early December, even then we may never know, but I feel in my heart he died because of this. I am angry and hurt that I loss my child because I was misdiagnosed but mostly I feel awe struck. My precious little angel baby died to save me. If he had lived they may never had found the pulmonary Embolisms in time. They may never had caught them when they were small and treatable I could have died. It still hurts and I will never be okay but at least I am alive. So, no this pain won't  ever go away and nothing will fix this but I want to live.

 

Edited by AppleJack
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thejazz97 Canucks All-Star

thejazz97

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Hey AJ, thanks for sharing.

I don't think many of us - if any of us - truly know what you're going through right now. We want you to be okay, we want to tell you it will get better, but we also know that things are looking bleak right now.

Just know that you are in our hearts and thoughts and prayers. All of us love having you on CDC, and we're here for you if you need us! :)

We're wishing you all the best.

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Putgolzin Canucks Regular

Putgolzin

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My wife and I have lost a child in a similar way and we almost lost our boy when he was 6 days old (he had a rare heart defect that needed emergency open-heart surgery to save his little life). In those times I found that nobody could feel what we were feeling, no matter how similar their experiences and no matter how much they truly loved us and cared.

Still, their prayers and care did help us in those dark times. Prayers (if that's ok) and many good thoughts are being sent your way.

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aGENT Canucks Hall-of-Famer

aGENT

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Dang AJ :(

You're right that none of us know what you're going through. That doesn't mean we can't be here to listen, care, be empathetic and just have you in our thoughts. 

If there's anything we can do to help, even if just digital "faces" to vent to, don't hesitate to ask.

 

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brilac Canucks Star

brilac

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I confess -

I am really attached to my cat.  She's like my 10 year old baby.  I've had her for 10 years, and got her when she was 6 weeks old. It's like each year I get more and more attached.  She was diagnosed with diabetes in June, and it's been a challenge since, and I am doing the best I can.  She's one of those cats that hates having her ear pricked, and will attack. I took her to the vet a 2 months ago for a glucose curve, and all she did was attack. When I went to pick her up, the vet brought me to the back room, and I saw the cat lunge at one of the vet technicians, and then she saw me, and calmed down. I had never seen the cat so violet.  Tonight was easier, but the results of her blood glucose were not good.  Her insulin is really expensive, almost $300, and I try to make it last as long as it can, but I don't think it is working due to her blood glucose levels right now.  So I need to get her new insulin tomorrow.  Hopefully the ear pricking will get better and the new insulin will make her levels go down.

 

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brilac Canucks Star

brilac

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I confess -

I hate turbulence! I'm getting on a plane, and we've been advised of strong wind gusts and no drink service. I asked if these wind gusts are an all day thing, thinking about changing the flight, and I was advised of a storm and that you the flight will be safe.  They say it is a light load flight and are rearranging people. I'm just trying to think it is a 35 minute flight. 

 

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thejazz97 Canucks All-Star

thejazz97

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22 hours ago, brilac said:

I confess -

I hate turbulence! I'm getting on a plane, and we've been advised of strong wind gusts and no drink service. I asked if these wind gusts are an all day thing, thinking about changing the flight, and I was advised of a storm and that you the flight will be safe.  They say it is a light load flight and are rearranging people. I'm just trying to think it is a 35 minute flight. 

Hope you have a safe flight!

Where are you headed?

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brilac Canucks Star

brilac

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13 hours ago, thejazz97 said:

Hope you have a safe flight!

Where are you headed?

I go to Vancouver for Canucks games, and flew up there on Saturday for one.  The flight was really bumpy, not pleasant.  I was really happy to get off the plane.  I know have an understanding why some people drink at the airport before getting on an airplane. could not understand why others drank at 6am-7am, the Morning when I walk past the bars at the airport.  I am an Afternoon drinker depending on which day it is, but mostly drink towards the Evening. 

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