Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

Grey Matter

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Spoiler

Answer:  Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?

Spoiler

Answer:  Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Spoiler

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Spoiler

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Spoiler

Answer:  Incorrectly.

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Spoiler

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Spoiler

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the U.S. President's Name in 1975?

Spoiler

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama.

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Spoiler

Answer: You would be in 2nd. place.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Spoiler

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Spoiler

Answer: One.

 

[JAY JAY]

Riding a Horse

One day a blonde was horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control.

The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off.

With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground.

Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down.

Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness...

 

The Walmart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

[thejazz97]

42 minutes ago, JAY JAY said:

Grey Matter

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer:  Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer:  Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer:  Incorrectly.

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the U.S. President's Name in 1975?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama.

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: You would be in 2nd. place.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

  Hide contents

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

  Reveal hidden contents

Answer: One.

 

That's like: How do pronounce the capital of Alberta: CALgary or CalGARY?

Spoiler

Answer: Edmonton.

Love your jokes, mate.

[JAY JAY]

Newfie Math  Test

A Newfie  wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here  is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."  

"Without numbers?" The Newfie says  "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no  brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Newfie.

"Fair enough," says the  boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is  99."

The Newfie stares into space for a  while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree...  "Ere you  go."

The boss scratches his head  and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty  now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,  plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."  

The boss is getting worried that he's  going to actually have to hire this Newfie , so  he says, "All right, last question.  Same  rules again, but represent the number  100."

The Newfie stares into space  some more, then he picks up the picture again  and makes a little mark at the base of each tree  and says, "Ere you go.  One  hundred."

The boss looks at  the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you  think that represents a hundred!"

The  Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at  the base of each tree and whispers, "A little  dog come along and poop by each tree.  
 So now you got dirty tree  and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"  

The Newfie is the new  supervisor.

[JAY JAY]

Pet Shop

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

[JAY JAY]

Bessie

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer.

"She doesn't know a thing about cars."

[JAY JAY]

Auction

One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid.
The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk.
I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[JAY JAY]

The Sausage And The Cat

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet.

The cat was happy! The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy!

The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in!

However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

[JAY JAY]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU.

Tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head.

Hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[JAY JAY]

Up or Down Sex

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?  Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.  Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown.'

 

[thejazz97]

What do you get when you cross an Indian hockey player, a player who was just placed on waivers, and Spongebob?

Spoiler

The Prusty Prab! 

 

[JAY JAY]

Take Your Choice

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all $&!#ty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[JAY JAY]

Sex After Marriage

There are different ways to enjoy sex after marriage.

1) Smurf Sex: This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep it up until you're blue in your faces.

2) Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.

3) Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you got to do it in bedroom.

4) Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say: "&^@# you!"

5) Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and the bitch &^@#s you before the judge and everyone else in court!

[JAY JAY]

Reverse Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

[Twilight Sparkle]

theres a regular who comes where i work, often. i just started here recently, so i dont know a lot of the regulars, but i was tipped off that this person likes to make jokes with kitchen staff

so im getting myself a coffee and this guy walks by me, sees my chef jacket and asks me, "oh, i never seen you here before!" to which i reply, "oh i just started here last week. how's it going?" he tells me his day is going fine, then tells me to cook up a turtle soup, "...and make it snappy!"

[JAY JAY]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!....... Bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition....Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is C.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 

[JAY JAY]

The Drunk and the Preacher

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze… Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time… He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

 

[JAY JAY]

Jesus Having a Pint

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"
 
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
 
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.
 
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
 
When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
 
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: "My God!  The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
 
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he  lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
 
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table  trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
 
The Newfie shouts, "F*ck off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"

 

[aGENT]

Heard this on the radio this morn:

I've been trying to decide which band I dislike more, U2 or Coldplay but U2 has the edge. 

Also:

 

[Gurn]

Why won't hedgehogs just share the hedge?