Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[JAY JAY]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

[JAY JAY]

Paddy

 

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
 

Paddy got sacked from a job as a bingo caller the other day.  
Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.

He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

 

 

[JAY JAY]

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

 

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.  
There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind.”

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

 

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.

It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should well... you know...screw her?”

 

"Out of what?”  asked the second lawyer?

[Twilight Sparkle]

knock knock

 

whos there

 

loy

 

loy who

 

you loied and said there'd be no more lawyer jokes

Edited May 9, 2016 by Twilight Sparkle

[thejazz97]

How do you think the unthinkable?

 

An itheberg

[Heretic]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.  The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[chon derry]

what did newfoundland say when they heard quebec wanted to separate?       we don't want them beside us.

[JAY JAY]

Po Taters

 

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters ".

 

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

 

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

 

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or to sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".

 

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

 

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Immy Taters".

 

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.

They are always prepared to stop whatever they  are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Po Taters".

 

[JAY JAY]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
   
A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
 
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
 
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
   "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "Well, It's Not Unusual."
 
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. 

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

I posted 10 different puns here in White Noise, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh.

No pun in ten did.
 
 

 

[ShakyWalton]

A young man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice... "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at him. He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" He responded in a very loud voice: "$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then he whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to really screw people".

[thejazz97]

There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:

Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

 

Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.

Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:

Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:

Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.

Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:

 

Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.

Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!

There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:

But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:

Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?

All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.

The priest was good, and never told anyone.

[JAY JAY]

45 minutes ago, thejazz97 said:

. . .

The priest was good, and never told anyone.

 

Jazz - you should be lynched for this one!

vote Jazz

 

 

[JAY JAY]

Two Sides To Every Story

 

One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community.
If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice.

They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.
It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent them.
Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate.
Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came.

Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.
I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman.

 

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

 

[JAY JAY]

Fridays

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay? Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

 

[ShakyWalton]

2 minutes ago, JAY JAY said:

Fridays

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay? Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

 

[JAY JAY]

Two Genies

 

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle.
He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out.
"Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"

"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted.
He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door.
He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

[Heretic]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"

[Heretic]

The Coach - for grandmothers

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an @sshole. Do you understand all that”?

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-@ss decision nor that the coach is a sh@thead is it?"

"No, coach."

 

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”  

[JAY JAY]

Caution - Adult Joke

 

The Bag

 

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Frack!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."