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#121 Heretic

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Posted 25 September 2012 - 10:00 AM

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.


We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?


Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?


We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?


You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???
  • 4

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

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#122 Tony Romo

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 10:42 PM

Two penuts were walking down an alley when one got a salted.

Edited by Tony Romo, 27 September 2012 - 10:43 PM.

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Thanks to Raoul Duke for the Russell Wilson sig.

#123 White Goodman

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 06:00 AM

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



Wheres my tractor?

(i also like anti jokes)
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#124 SpinDrive

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 06:14 PM

Yo mamma's so fat, that there's a strong chance of her developing type 2 diabetes.

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Lettuce." "That's impossible."

Why didn't the Asian ask for a calculator? Because he was doing the dishes and a calculator seemed rather inappropriate.

What's black and white and red all over? A zebra that has been shot, because poaching is quite often in many African Savannas.
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Believing in religion is like believing Raymond is going to win the Rocket Richard.


#125 SkeeterHansen

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 06:59 PM

So did you hear about Bruce Willis? They found him dead, apparently he overdosed on Viagra.

In fact, you could say he... Died Hard.




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/=S=/


#126 believe in blue forever

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Posted 05 October 2012 - 10:54 PM

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew



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Edited by believe in blue forever, 06 October 2012 - 04:51 PM.

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A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one. George R.R. Martin
Luongo is blamed for a lot of things. I think he was blamed for the teachers strike, and the high gas prices in Vancouver. Alain Vigneault

#127 Gollumpus

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Posted 16 October 2012 - 10:55 PM

Does anyone know any jokes about Stats? Probably


Q.) Why do people become statisticians?

A.) Because they find accounting to be waaaaay too exciting.


regards,
G.
  • 0
Following the Canucks since before Don Cherry played here.

#128 Gollumpus

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Posted 16 October 2012 - 11:06 PM

A guy walks into a bar...

"Ouch!" he says.




One hundred and thirty-seven lemmings walk
into a bar.

"Ouch!"
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"Ouch!"


regards,
G.
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Following the Canucks since before Don Cherry played here.

#129 Heretic

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Posted 17 October 2012 - 03:05 PM

*
POPULAR

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2010



Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 -
Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 -
Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 -
Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 -
Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2010 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night,
puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1957 - Wasps die.

2010- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1957 -
In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie.No damage done.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


Reminds us of how stupid we have become!
  • 5

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

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#130 Tony Romo

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Posted 17 October 2012 - 04:47 PM

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them
  • 3
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Thanks to Raoul Duke for the Russell Wilson sig.

#131 Gumballthechewy

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Posted 17 October 2012 - 05:01 PM

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2010


This joke is funny because its true.

Edited by Gumballthechewy, 17 October 2012 - 05:01 PM.

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Don't take anything I say seriously! EVER!


#132 Gollumpus

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Posted 19 October 2012 - 02:42 PM

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

regards,
G.

Edited by Gollumpus, 19 October 2012 - 09:03 PM.

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Following the Canucks since before Don Cherry played here.

#133 Heretic

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Posted 23 October 2012 - 08:18 AM

The English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England,and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner...

His final challenge was this:

"Some say there is no difference between the meaning of the words "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED".
Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
in a way that is easy to understand."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE; but, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
  • 1

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#134 Heretic

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Posted 02 November 2012 - 11:54 AM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
  • 0

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#135 Heretic

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 01:15 PM

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.


He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast

  • 0

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#136 Gumballthechewy

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 01:23 PM

^^^ That's hilarious!

avelanch reminded me of this joke in the Hottest Woman thread:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Edited by Gumballthechewy, 30 November 2012 - 01:24 PM.

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Don't take anything I say seriously! EVER!


#137 Alchemy Time

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:12 PM

My parents decided to suprise me with a car for my birthday. They missed.
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#138 Tony Romo

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 10:29 PM

What did george Washington say to his men before they got on their horses?
Men get on your horses

What did farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor

What's big black and looks like a bear?
A big black bear

Edited by Tony Romo, 03 December 2012 - 10:39 PM.

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Thanks to Raoul Duke for the Russell Wilson sig.

#139 Heretic

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 04:18 PM

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Making mine shortly!)

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. Baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. Salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
2 cups dried fruit,
1 bottle Vodka, or if preferred substitute Whisky, Brandy, Gin.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and powder your baking. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or shomething. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka. Wipe the bench with the cat.

Merry Christmas
  • 1

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#140 Gumballthechewy

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 07:27 PM

Heretic, where do you find all these? They're golden!
  • 0

Don't take anything I say seriously! EVER!


#141 Cromeslab

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 11:36 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lied awake all night wondering if there really was a dog
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"Where you've been is good and gone,all you can keep is the gettin there"Townes Van Zandt

#142 Dral

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 12:18 AM

How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of a car for a couple hours, then when you open it up, see which one is happy to see you.
  • 0

Actually Vig don't Kill Dral, I believe him to mafia enough that I have dealt with him myself. 


#143 BananaMash

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 12:54 AM

How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of a car for a couple hours, then when you open it up, see which one is happy to see you.


This is also a good way to find out if your wife is cheating on you.]

Wat
  • 0

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#144 Sugar baby watermelon

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 02:59 AM

How does Moses make his tea??

Hebrews it
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#145 Heretic

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 08:56 AM

Heretic, where do you find all these? They're golden!


Most come from my dad!
  • 0

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#146 Heretic

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Posted 18 December 2012 - 08:08 PM

Why did Bilbo cross the road?
To see the chickens...one last time.

Why did Merry cross the road?
Because it was the big one...big one!

Why did Saruman cross the road?
To catch chickens for orc-breeding.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To rescue Gandalf from the tower.

Why did Gandalf cross the road?
Because he was riding on the chicken.

Why did the Black Rider cross the road?
To reattach all the pillow-feathers to the chickens.

Why did Elrond cross the road?
To cast the chicken into the fire, and destroy it!

Why did Galadriel cross the road?
If the chicken strayed but a little, it would fail.

Why did Gollum cross the road?
To eat the chicken.

Why did Pippin cross the road?
To beat Gollum to eating the chicken.

Why did Sam cross the road?
To make Pippin cook the chicken first.

Why did Frodo cross the road?
The chicken was his guide and he was bound to it and it to him.

Why did Boromir cross the road?
Because Frodo was bound to the chicken.

Why did Aragorn cross the road?
The chicken's fate was no longer in his hands.

Why did Faramir cross the road?
He and the chicken finally understood one another.

Why did Legolas cross the road?
Because he could not linger. Not even for chicken.

Why did Gimli cross the road?
He didn't. He was tossed.
  • 2

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

Posted Image


#147 Scott Hartnell's Mane

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Posted 18 December 2012 - 08:33 PM

Two Republicans walk into a bar. You'd think one of them may have ducked.
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Well I tell you what Heretic..if Tim Tebow becomes Terry Bradshaw I will shave off all my hair, convert to Christianity, go into the ministry and become a preacher.


#148 Gollumpus

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Posted 24 December 2012 - 04:34 PM

Three elephants fell off a cliff... http://instantrimshot.com/


regards,
G.
  • 0
Following the Canucks since before Don Cherry played here.

#149 Mr.DirtyDangles

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Posted 24 December 2012 - 06:06 PM

America has been having some serious problems with solving redneck crime lately. The DNA all matches and there is next to no dental records.
  • 0

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#150 Scott Hartnell's Mane

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Posted 24 December 2012 - 06:39 PM

America has been having some serious problems with solving redneck crime lately. The DNA all matches and there is next to no dental records.


Hear about the fire at the West Virginia state capitol? Nearly burned down the entire trailer park ;)
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Well I tell you what Heretic..if Tim Tebow becomes Terry Bradshaw I will shave off all my hair, convert to Christianity, go into the ministry and become a preacher.




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