Relationship Problem

[EoH]

So first of all let me start by saying That I run out of ideas and probably a bit desperate for some answers and although this forum isn’t the best place to ask, I do want some non-biased answers.

 

So so let me start off by saying I been dating this girl for almost a year. The problem arises when I decided to go out it my way to help another girl with her homework (mainly summarizing and making a PowerPoint because I was good at it). I think it’s also important to note that. I met this girl after meeting my girlfriend and I’m her manager.

 

My reasons to help the girl with her homework was as pretty much in the hospitality industry (especially in a ma/pa restaurant) it’s extremely hard to find good workers. I spent around 6 months constantly looking for a decent co worker to fulfil a position that was vacant. I just wanted to help her because 1) PowerPoints are easy for me and she is ESL. 2) I wanted to give her more a reason to stay because I’m going to face it the wages in the industry is quite low and I just wanted to give her more of a reason to stay because she is also a decent co worker.

 

Then my girlfriend got mad at me because I went out of my way to help her with her homework for a girl that I didn’t even know for that long. Even though I try to justify it by telling her from the points aforementioned she still got pissed off at me.

 

Another reason is the same co worker decided to phone me and cry on the phone to me because her ‘boyfriend’ died in such a horrific/dramatic fashion that it was hard to ignore. So she called me and another co worker (also a girl) to arrange a dinner date and time where we could meet so she could tell us the whole story of what happened. Anyways the day came and she phoned me to tell ask where all of us wanted to eat ( in a happy tone ) and my girlfriend was in the car and took it as a more casual dinner date than a serious one.

 

During the dinner I was having a really hard time not looking at my phone with all the horrible msgs she sent me saying that any girl would mad at their boyfriends for coming to the aid to a ‘b*tch’ and a lot more insincere msgs towards me and my co worker while I was listening to my co workers story.

 

The dinner took around 3 hours because of this and it was really hard to leave the dinner just to go back to my girlfriend because she was ‘mad’ and unhappy. So when I did come back to her after 3 hours, she just wanted to break up with me.

 

To this day even though I felt like I got through the problem, it still bothers her and she regularly calls me out on it. Saying things like after that the relationship isn’t the same and even then she doesn’t understand she’s with me.

 

Now I just keep feeling that I’m always wrong in the relationship and feels like I’m having to watch my every step.

 

i know everyone has a reason to be mad. But I feel as though she can’t accept it from my POV?

 

Thanks for your time.

 

[lx Birdie xl]

Sounds to me the real issue is the girlfriend.. And not what you are doing.. And if she doesn't learn to get over people being friends.. or being kind to others.. the relationship will end and she will probably have the same problems in the next one.. Unless she finds a guy that she can control.

 

Best bet.. Sit down with her.. Talk to her about it.. If she gets worked up.. Stop talking about it until she calms down.. It's hard to explain something to someone who is upset and angry. And if she cant get over it.. The next step is in your hands on what you choose to do.

[EoH]

10 minutes ago, lx Birdie xl said:

Sounds to me the real issue is the girlfriend.. And not what you are doing.. And if she doesn't learn to get over people being friends.. or being kind to others.. the relationship will end and she will probably have the same problems in the next one.. Unless she finds a guy that she can control.

 

Best bet.. Sit down with her.. Talk to her about it.. If she gets worked up.. Stop talking about it until she calms down.. It's hard to explain something to someone who is upset and angry. And if she cant get over it.. The next step is in your hands on what you choose to do.

I tried that, the thing is she said anyone wouldn’t be okay that with someone ‘going out of their way’ to help my co worker. The thing is it’s not like she asked for help. I helped her voluntarily because i wanted too.  And that’s what she kept telling me, it’s not like she needed your help.

[-AJ-]

It's impossible to say for sure, as I'm only hearing your perspective, so my view will be affected by your biased view, but it does sound like there are some jealousy issues. Beyond that, I'm not really qualified to offer advice, as I have virtually no experience in that area.

[Standing_Tall#37]

Women are weird creatures... I’m on an avoiding them(at least relationships or catching feelings) kick right now. The reason? The exact same kind of $&!# you’re going through right now. Good luck but I’m bitter about the control games they play.

[Art Vandelay]

Two things:

 

1. You have to able to do your own “thing” while in a relationship, otherwise your life becomes the relationship. You can have friends; do nice things with them, for them and have them done for you.

 

2. Surround yourself with people on team you. If significant persons in your life are actively hindering you, then they are not on your team. They may be a great teammate, a fun teammate; but they are not on your team.

 

Just my sense, as these two things don’t seem to be happening.

[b3.]

Yikes, that would drive me bonkers. At the end of the day, if your having signs or concerns this early, it's best to end it now then drag it along. Plenty of fish in the sea bud!

[Toews]

So she told you that she had a problem with you seeing this girl but you went out to dinner with her anyway? Were you subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship? 

 

I have been in relationships where women have asked me not to hang out with someone, I have acquiesced as I don't think its an unreasonable request to make. If the presence of someone around my partner made me uncomfortable, then I would object as well. Now if your partner is uncomfortable with you interacting with every member of the opposite sex then that's where you put your foot down and tell him/her to stuff it. Not worth the time dealing with someone like that.

[nux4lyfe]

Buy her something expensive, She'll be nice for a week.

[Cramarossa]

As a woman, I'll chime in.

 

It sound like the primary issue is that your girlfriend is either very insecure (so she's worried you're attracted to this other person), very inexperienced (so she's holding your actions up to what "anyone would think"), or very manipulative  (wondering aloud why she's even staying with you). It's possible she's all three. 

 

Is this her typical behavior, or out of character? If it is unusual for her to be this jealous then I'd encourage you to try to keep the lines of communication open to get at why she's mad. Is she worried you'll cheat? Does she think you're prioritizing work (in the form of doing too much to maintain a good relationship with this coworker) over your relationship with her? Is she feeling insecure and using this situation as a guise when she really wants more attention/affection?  These are the kinds if questions that will really sort out what's going on. You've got to get to the bottom of WHY going out of your way for someone once is too much for her to bear. 

 

If this is her typical behavior then run, don't walk, away and don't look back. 

[-AJ-]

5 minutes ago, Cramarossa said:

As a woman, I'll chime in.

 

It sound like the primary issue is that your girlfriend is either very insecure (so she's worried you're attracted to this other person), very inexperienced (so she's holding your actions up to what "anyone would think"), or very manipulative  (wondering aloud why she's even staying with you). It's possible she's all three. 

 

Is this her typical behavior, or out of character? If it is unusual for her to be this jealous then I'd encourage you to try to keep the lines of communication open to get at why she's mad. Is she worried you'll cheat? Does she think you're prioritizing work (in the form of doing too much to maintain a good relationship with this coworker) over your relationship with her? Is she feeling insecure and using this situation as a guise when she really wants more attention/affection?  These are the kinds if questions that will really sort out what's going on. You've got to get to the bottom of WHY going out of your way for someone once is too much for her to bear. 

 

If this is her typical behavior then run, don't walk, away and don't look back. 

It's so nice to have a female perspective on these things. This sounds like what I'd assume are the possibilities too.

[Undrafted]

1 hour ago, EoH said:

I tried that, the thing is she said anyone wouldn’t be okay that with someone ‘going out of their way’ to help my co worker. The thing is it’s not like she asked for help. I helped her voluntarily because i wanted too.  And that’s what she kept telling me, it’s not like she needed your help.

I'll be honest: the fact your GF said that part I bolded in the quote sounds really selfish and self-centred to me. 

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going out of your way to help someone, whether they ask for help or not.  It's called simple human kindness and basically, your GF is calling you out for being a kind person.  And that's not a good thing, IMO.

 

Edit: just wanted to add that I thoroughly recommend Cramarossa's sage advice.  A simple 'upvote' doesn't do it justice

 

[Blömqvist]

I showed my girlfriend to get her opinion on it. Doesn't sound good.

 

She says that both people in the relationship should be able to have friends of opposite sex. But if you go so much out of your way to help someone who didn't ask for help then that can be seen as something to worry about. She also thinks that, due to the "intimate" and "private" conversations you've had with the girl that can be seen as something to worry about as well. And finally, she thinks that you may have feelings for both the new girl and your girlfriend.

 

For me, I think it's good to offer support to your friends in need and when they ask for it. Just gotta keep the lines of communication open though. For instance, for the dinner you could have asked, "hey, my friend is going through a hard time right now is it ok if another friend of mine and her go out for dinner?" And it that is ok with your girlfriend then you have the green light. BUT if it isn't ok then first and foremost if you're serious about the relationship and the future you have with your girlfriend you prioritize that and help your friend in other ways.

 

The thing with relationships is that in an argument both people will have different biased point of views and the hard part is acknowledging that and understanding that so similar arguments don't happen again in the future.

[EoH]

45 minutes ago, Toews said:

So she told you that she had a problem with you seeing this girl but you went out to dinner with her anyway? Were you subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship? 

 

I have been in relationships where women have asked me not to hang out with someone, I have acquiesced as I don't think its an unreasonable request to make. If the presence of someone around my partner made me uncomfortable, then I would object as well. Now if your partner is uncomfortable with you interacting with every member of the opposite sex then that's where you put your foot down and tell him/her to stuff it. Not worth the time dealing with someone like that.

The thing is she held a grudge against ‘this girl’ because I voluntarily helped her out with her homework. As a guy, i shouldn’t voluntarily help the opposite sex I assume? But the thing is for me, it doesn’t seem like it’s out of my character to help someone.

 

Then again my co worker decided to tell me and another worker about her problems and just wanted a shoulder to cry on, so I was there and under the circumstances I was under, I felt it was unreasonable and even a bit heartless to leave in the middle of a depressing story. 

 

The thing is I helped her out is that I want her to feel apart of not just a business, but more a family type of environment. Everyone of my workers except for two has been working with us for 4+ years and we always try to help each other whenever we can. I just want to provide the best type of environment for my co workers to work in.

 

The fact is I feel as though the ‘hospitality industry’ is constantly looking for new hires all the time. Especially in Vancouver. My dad said it best and it’s not people looking for jobs anymore, it’s jobs looking for people. 

26 minutes ago, Cramarossa said:

As a woman, I'll chime in.

 

It sound like the primary issue is that your girlfriend is either very insecure (so she's worried you're attracted to this other person), very inexperienced (so she's holding your actions up to what "anyone would think"), or very manipulative  (wondering aloud why she's even staying with you). It's possible she's all three. 

 

Is this her typical behavior, or out of character? If it is unusual for her to be this jealous then I'd encourage you to try to keep the lines of communication open to get at why she's mad. Is she worried you'll cheat? Does she think you're prioritizing work (in the form of doing too much to maintain a good relationship with this coworker) over your relationship with her? Is she feeling insecure and using this situation as a guise when she really wants more attention/affection?  These are the kinds if questions that will really sort out what's going on. You've got to get to the bottom of WHY going out of your way for someone once is too much for her to bear. 

 

If this is her typical behavior then run, don't walk, away and don't look back. 

 What I did to resolve the problem in the first place was just to talk it over. I explained why I did it in the first place and she doesn’t seem to accept it.

 

And is it out of her character? I’m not too entirely sure, I feel as though when I try to communicate with her, she never sees things from my POV. She asks certain questions, but has predetermined answers already and sometimes gets out of hand because even if I answer in the way she doesn’t want, I try to explain things... but in the end I feel bad? Like I’m always wrong...? 

[Undrafted]

4 minutes ago, EoH said:

 What I did to resolve the problem in the first place was just to talk it over. I explained why I did it in the first place and she doesn’t seem to accept it.

 

And is it out of her character? I’m not too entirely sure, I feel as though when I try to communicate with her, she never sees things from my POV. She asks certain questions, but has predetermined answers already and sometimes gets out of hand because even if I answer in the way she doesn’t want, I try to explain things... but in the end I feel bad? Like I’m always wrong...? 

In your OP, you asked for an unbiased opinion.  So far, the overwhelming response is that you've done nothing wrong.  The parts I bolded in the quote do not reflect well on your GF--it reinforces my previous impression that she's very selfish and self-centred, especially the part about never seeing things from your POV.

 

At the same time, you've also got to stand up for yourself.  You have no reason to feel bad about your actions, nor should have any reason to feel you're in the wrong.  Your GF is making you feel bad and in the wrong solely for 'disobeying' her (for lack of a better word).  That's not how equitable relationships of any kind work.

[coolboarder]

I didn't read all of your OP but just a quick glance as I go bed.  Relationship issues are common.

 

The real question is: is she married to you?  If not, then I do not see anything wrong.  It is more of a jealous issues because she needs your attention.  That's what I think.   If she is your wife then you should listen to her. Not related to your issues with your girlfriend but if I were you, I'd be extra careful being around women if you are single or being married because a woman who is not your wife can use a false accusation against you in the future if you become more than you are right now.   You are experiencing an insecure girlfriend who could use that against you in the future with the text messages if things don't work out.  The society is more likely to believe a false accusation, not the innocent nowadays than in the past.. Money is a powerful motivation.  She is not worth it if she continues to be like that.  That's all advice I can give it to you.   

[Hairy Kneel]

I was with a jealous person before, I tried to work things through from my side (offered to go to counselling but she lasted one session) in short order, there was an 'incident' and I then vowed that if things do not change exactly one year from that day, I would move out. Sure enough not quite a year later there was another big incident and then I followed through on my promise to myself, and told her I was moving out. despite her protestations that we could work things out. 

Jealousy is a irrational unpredictable emotional time bomb,

ps probably doesn't help that I look like Brad Pitt 

 

 

jk at least I'm taller than Brad Pitt.

[elvis15]

The emotions people react with in relationships usually are just masking underlying issues. Jealousy, for instance, is usually masking some insecurity in that person rather than anything to do with the relationship itself. Sometimes there are issues with trust from things that have been done, but those things could also be baggage from a previous relationship. It could just be her not feeling her needs have been met in certain areas, her dealing with body image/self confidence issues, or even differing expectations of the relationship dynamics.

 

The one thing that I've learned over the years is that communication is key. It has to be open and honest, and each side needs to be introspective about their part in any disagreement. Without those things, there will always be animosity - either from continuous fighting, or from one side having to give up things they normally shouldn't have to. And I'm not saying there shouldn't be compromise, that's essential in any relationship, but that it can't be one side always getting their way by using emotions to manipulate the other.

 

No easy answers, especially only hearing one side and not having the history outside of this specific situation. Only you (and your gf) can answer these questions.

[D.B Cooper]

First, is the coworker hot?  That would add stress to the GF.  

 

For me, i wouldn’t stick in a relationship with someone who would cause that kinda $&!#, and show zero trust in you.  

 

Luckily, a year for a relationship is nothing.

better to end it now before you get too deep.

 

There are millions of girls out there, and lots of them would think it is great you are trying to help someone out, instead of pooping on you for doing it.  

 

If I was with someone for only a year, and they reacted like that, overly jealous and petty, I would take that as a major sign and move on.  

[JM_]

Immature, jealous and not sure if she's committed to you.... is that what you'd want for the rest of your life?