Relationship Advice Needed

[redhdlois]

11 hours ago, Jester13 said:

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but get her to see a professional about this, and you possibly see that person with her. There are always deeper reasons why an extreme lack of confidence is present, and nothing is likely to change unless she learns why she feels the way that she does. 

 

My wife and I both saw people early on for different, and the same, reasons, and we get better and better every gdang day. You know the saying how you can't love another until you love yourself? Well, how can you truly love yourself if you don't know yourself first?

 

We'll be 13 years married this September. 

I was thinking the same thing.  As a female, I am seeing lack of worthiness with her.   Sounds like she has some old issues and would benefit from some therapy (I think everyone would benefit from some therapy and self growth)....but.....the person has to want to change, and that sounds like the barrier here. 
 

Edited July 17, 2020 by redhdlois

[peaches5]

23 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I've been in a really stable relationship for 4.5 years. Girlfriend is really similar to me personality wise. Chemistry is very strong. However, I can't seem to convince her to be more confident with herself, particularly with her looks.

 

I think she looks decent without her glasses but she otherwise doesn't put much effort into her looks, and by this, I don't mean it in a good way. She says she looks ugly but she doesn't change anything on her own to fix this, though I have assured her many times she looks cute. I did my part already and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident. I love her personality. I admire her many good traits. But I don't like how she doesn't change the things she needs to be more confident. (I.e makeup). Nothing changes if you don't make changes. If you don't like your appearance so much, why not change it up? She also says she needs to lose weight but isn't doing anything to fix this.

 

I understand that I'll probably sound kinda shallow but I love her for our compatibility. We get along really really well. But I didn't like how she just close the door on stuff and leaving things as they are. In the meantime she just keeps complaining about her looks in pictures, but makes no changes to satisfy herself. It's kinda frustrating.

 

I sent her my first "drama" passive aggressive text message ever in our relationship. "sorry for bringing it up". Communication has been a strength of ours yet she doesn't seem to understand that I am getting frustrated.

 

Need some constructive feedback. I don't care if I get negative comments because I'll have to re-evaluate myself and this relationship if need be.

 

You went into a relationship thinking you could change someone to your desires and failed. She doesn't want to listen to you and I don't blame her. "She looks decent without her glasses" "I did my part!" "I don't like how she doesn't LISTEN to me" and then the kicker "communication has been our strength" lmao This relationship has lasted 4.5 years cause you have no backbone. If you wanted her to change you could have done a lot of things actionwise instead of being like oh you're cute... what you're still not confident well I did my part! Buy her makeup and be like Hey! let's put this on! Take her to the gym and be like let's do this every other day! Buy her nail polish and make it fun like I do you you do me! She might see her nails done and be like wow I like that and continue to do it.  If she refused to do those things and keeps complaining you dump her cause she isn't changing you don't spend 4.5 years and then decide to be a little passive aggressive... 

[Justdean10]

13 hours ago, Sharpshooter said:

My advice is two-fold. 
 

1) Be honest and upfront. Tell her exactly what you’re thinking/feeling and don’t mince words. Be direct but be a gentleman. That may be tough to do but it’s necessary to have an honest response/reaction. 
 

2) Be prepared to walk away. Think about this one though. If you love her as much as you say you do then you have to ask yourself if her current self is ‘good enough’. If she has no plans in changing then the response itself is a clear indication that she’s not going to. Walk away. If you don’t you may start feeling resentment later on which will only produce toxicity within you because she didn’t make the effort even after you raised the issue, and then it may manifest as toxicity within the relationship; by you or by her. 
 

Sometimes when you’re young, the decision to move on is the hardest thing to do, but ultimately the best thing to do for yourself and your future. 

 

An effort ought to be made for your partner. Not making an effort can be interpreted as they’re not worth making an effort for.

 

I don’t know how you could ever think people complimenting you could make you less confident. If that’s the case then you may have self confidence issues, which is normal, but not healthy. 
 

Marriage or couples counselling is the best idea at the best of times in a relationship and even more urgent and necessary at the worst of times. 
 

There’s never anything to be ashamed about in going to see a counsellor. They’re not there no blame anyone or break people up. You’re smarter and stronger as a couple if you see one. 

Maybe that's how YOU interrupt it and that seems like a self confidence issue lol
But if you're saying they only look pretty when they wear make up, then how is that suppose to make them feel confident? 

[Gurn]

imo, way too many people putting way too much emphasis on looks. 

I'm always more concerned with how they think and behave to others and themselves.

The most beautiful person can become ugly after a fall down a flight of stairs, or a car accident. 

[Sharpshooter]

34 minutes ago, Justdean10 said:

Maybe that's how YOU interrupt it and that seems like a self confidence issue lol
But if you're saying they only look pretty when they wear make up, then how is that suppose to make them feel confident? 

Makeup when done well can accentuate natural beauty or shield the general public’s eyes from unadulterated hideousness. It’s just science. 

[Dazzle]

5 hours ago, peaches5 said:

You went into a relationship thinking you could change someone to your desires and failed. She doesn't want to listen to you and I don't blame her. "She looks decent without her glasses" "I did my part!" "I don't like how she doesn't LISTEN to me" and then the kicker "communication has been our strength" lmao This relationship has lasted 4.5 years cause you have no backbone. If you wanted her to change you could have done a lot of things actionwise instead of being like oh you're cute... what you're still not confident well I did my part! Buy her makeup and be like Hey! let's put this on! Take her to the gym and be like let's do this every other day! Buy her nail polish and make it fun like I do you you do me! She might see her nails done and be like wow I like that and continue to do it.  If she refused to do those things and keeps complaining you dump her cause she isn't changing you don't spend 4.5 years and then decide to be a little passive aggressive... 

I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about. Look at my signature and everyone can see why.

 

Anyway I've never forced anything on her. Everything's been a two-way street.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Dazzle

[peaches5]

2 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about. Look at my signature and everyone can see why.

 

Anyway I've never forced anything on her. Everything's been a two-way street.

Your post is pathetic and laughable. You think you have great communication with her yet you haven't told her once in 4.5 years that you are trying to give her more confidence and now you're getting annoyed that you telling her she's cute isn't working. So after 4.5 years you're moving into the passive aggressive stage. Why don't you show her your post and see how she reacts, lmao. Once again you are clueless. "We have great communication" comes to internet for help on how to communicate to his girlfriend LOL.

[bishopshodan]

[HI5]

She’s broken, don’t waste your time trying to fix her when you can just buy another one. 

[Sharpshooter]

49 minutes ago, peaches5 said:

Your post is pathetic and laughable. You think you have great communication with her yet you haven't told her once in 4.5 years that you are trying to give her more confidence and now you're getting annoyed that you telling her she's cute isn't working. So after 4.5 years you're moving into the passive aggressive stage. Why don't you show her your post and see how she reacts, lmao. Once again you are clueless. "We have great communication" comes to internet for help on how to communicate to his girlfriend LOL.

 

[Phil_314]

19 hours ago, Justdean10 said:

Female here, if she isn't into make up then I wouldn't recommend taking her to go buy some or things like that. I'm not a make up wearer myself, but on the occasion that I do and people are like "Wow, you look so pretty today" is almost more of a confidence breaker than maker because you're saying the person has to put in effort to look beautiful. I'm a confident girl so I'm not really sure the best way to get her to feel comfortable with her appearance. Maybe just little things, have her as your phone screen saver. Tell her you want a new picture every week to put on your phone to have, and make sure to always comment on said photo. I'm pretty easy to compliment though, so I'm not sure the best way to go about it. 

It makes enough sense with regards to not wanting to dress up, basically don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you (e.g. if a guy doesn't like to dress formal don't make him, that's like my dad).

Curious about the part of "wow you look really pretty today" being a confidence breaker, would you rather people not say anything?  Or just smile and give you a little more attention?  Since as guys I feel in this case there's no winning either (tell her she looks good, she gets upset because guys only notice the effort; not say anything and the girl may thing "wow he doesn't pay me any attention").

Also, wouldn't that last approach (as effective as it sounds) also mean that you would need to dress up, and thus go through the "vicious" compliment cycle? 
Haha P.S. as a man I'm trying to learn here, don't shoot me.

Edited July 18, 2020 by Phil_314

[Phil_314]

8 hours ago, peaches5 said:

You went into a relationship thinking you could change someone to your desires and failed. She doesn't want to listen to you and I don't blame her. "She looks decent without her glasses" "I did my part!" "I don't like how she doesn't LISTEN to me" and then the kicker "communication has been our strength" lmao This relationship has lasted 4.5 years cause you have no backbone. If you wanted her to change you could have done a lot of things actionwise instead of being like oh you're cute... what you're still not confident well I did my part! Buy her makeup and be like Hey! let's put this on! Take her to the gym and be like let's do this every other day! Buy her nail polish and make it fun like I do you you do me! She might see her nails done and be like wow I like that and continue to do it.  If she refused to do those things and keeps complaining you dump her cause she isn't changing you don't spend 4.5 years and then decide to be a little passive aggressive... 

That nail polish part, are you trying to become her girl friend and vice versa?  

[the grinder]

3 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about. Look at my signature and everyone can see why.

 

Anyway I've never forced anything on her. Everything's been a two-way street.

that your problem right there  you never forced anything on her  and by force I mean take the lead and do something about it . like be a man and take charge . don't like her glasses buy some new ones for her , if too much money  go buy her some panties ,or buy some make up  (sales gals are very helpful ) like go make a effort   you know sometimes you have give a lil more to get what you want  that is a 2 way street , your just going around in circles by not doing anything 

[peaches5]

11 hours ago, Phil_314 said:

That nail polish part, are you trying to become her girl friend and vice versa?  

Nope, most girls love to do things with you like braid your hair put on makeup and nail polish. They like to practice and do fun things. Most guys are like no! I'm not doing that! If she enjoys doing it who cares, not me.  

[HI5]

4 hours ago, peaches5 said:

Nope, most girls love to do things with you like braid your hair put on makeup and nail polish. They like to practice and do fun things. Most guys are like no! I'm not doing that! If she enjoys doing it who cares, not me.  

I’ve seen a few guys in prison who spend their time doing these things. 

[AriGold2.0]

On 7/16/2020 at 11:21 AM, hoggers said:

be the change you want to see in others

100%, this has been the best answer thus far.

 

Let your self confidence shine through, work out, look good etc. Either she will consider changes or be left behind but she has to make that decision.

 

 

[PhillipBlunt]

On 7/17/2020 at 5:40 PM, peaches5 said:

Your post is pathetic and laughable. You think you have great communication with her yet you haven't told her once in 4.5 years that you are trying to give her more confidence and now you're getting annoyed that you telling her she's cute isn't working. So after 4.5 years you're moving into the passive aggressive stage. Why don't you show her your post and see how she reacts, lmao. Once again you are clueless. "We have great communication" comes to internet for help on how to communicate to his girlfriend LOL.

You prove once again to have zero actual life experience to provide. You’re a goof. What do you know? Nothing. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by PhillipBlunt

[PhillipBlunt]

On 7/17/2020 at 7:30 PM, the grinder said:

that your problem right there  you never forced anything on her  and by force I mean take the lead and do something about it . like be a man and take charge . don't like her glasses buy some new ones for her , if too much money  go buy her some panties ,or buy some make up  (sales gals are very helpful ) like go make a effort   you know sometimes you have give a lil more to get what you want  that is a 2 way street , your just going around in circles by not doing anything 

Your posts provide little to nothing of value in this subject. 

[Dazzle]

On 7/17/2020 at 5:40 PM, peaches5 said:

Your post is pathetic and laughable. You think you have great communication with her yet you haven't told her once in 4.5 years that you are trying to give her more confidence and now you're getting annoyed that you telling her she's cute isn't working. So after 4.5 years you're moving into the passive aggressive stage. Why don't you show her your post and see how she reacts, lmao. Once again you are clueless. "We have great communication" comes to internet for help on how to communicate to his girlfriend LOL.

Ok, big guy. I've told her many times about boosting her confidence and/or having her focus on herself. I got a little frustrated so I went the passive aggressive route, but I'm not proud of it. I ask on the internet purely to get an honest answer. I don't want to ask this on Facebook or something. I don't want the drama.

 

[250Integra]

Sit down and have a heart to heart with her. I’d suggest for you both to come up with a list of strengths (what you like about each other) and opportunities for improvement for each person. This will help open up your lines of communication more and cause self-reflection. Also, this gives her an opportunity to speak too so you can maybe gain a better understanding of her side / struggles (if any). If she does bring up confidence as an issue, then respond by asking her how you can help and maybe you two can brainstorm ideas on how to address it. Be a good listener.

Edited July 19, 2020 by 250Integra