Cheesy Joke Thread

[-AJ-]

Why shouldn't you eat clocks?

Because it's time consuming.

And for those born in the last century:

Heck even people born in the early 00's should get this reference. I'd be saddened if they didn't.

[Heretic]

Men Are Sensitive, Too!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

[Heretic]

Ole and Lena on the Road

A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since Ole didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work for the day would be to complete 2 miles of center line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. At the end of the day the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can.

Turns out Ole is your typical county employee.

[Heretic]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde teacher.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, ‘Because I'm the goalie!’

[Heretic]

Plastic Bags

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. She went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up the amps on 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a small handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Edited April 20, 2015 by Heretic

[Heretic]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks

past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a

twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the

dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,

have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave

back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to

support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the

front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on

the front porch.

[HC20.0]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks

past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a

twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the

dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,

have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave

back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to

support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the

front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on

the front porch.

You just blew my mind.

[Dral]

 

You just blew my mind.

 

was it because God created the farmer before man ?

[Heretic]

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now... let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile, before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Heretic]

THE BLONDE GOLFER

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy eight would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or better on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling'; you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her. He said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart." The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

[Tre Mac]

What does a 2stroke mower and Ryan Kesler have in common? Both have no rings and a choke feature.

[SamJamIam]

2 Cannibals:

2 cannibals are about to eat a man

One says "Let's each have half. You start at the head, I'll start at the feet"

A few minutes later one says "Pretty tasty eh?"

The other cannibal replies "Yeah, I'm havin' a ball!"

The first says "You're eating too fast!"

Psychiatrist Visit:

A man meets with his psychiatrist for a regular appointment. He says "I'm still feeling very paranoid, like I'm constantly being watched. I can't relax!"

The psychiatrist says "That's odd. You looked very relaxed while you were sleeping last night"

Does anyone know any jokes about Stats? Probably

It's hard to come up with them since statisticians tend to be mean and slightly deviant.

[Tre Mac]

I dated a scientist once. I had trouble pleasing her in the bedroom but whenever we had sex in her lab she always had a organism.

[Twilight Sparkle]

wut do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? a stick

[SamJamIam]

wut do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? a stick

Did you know that "boo" is the Aboriginal word for "to return"?

Because a regular meringue....

[Heretic]

A Dangerous Answer

A woman is at home alone when she hears someone knock at the door.
When she opens the door there's a man standing there. He asks her: " Do you have a vagina? "

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ' "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

" Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice:

"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer YES to the question because I want to see where the Bastard is going with it."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; " Do you have a vagina'? '

" Yes, actually I have," she says

The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

[NucksPatsFan]

Yo mama so fat, she sat on an iPhone and it turned into a Macbook Air

[Heretic]

Wife's Financial Investments

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

[thejazz97]

Yo mama so fat, when I yelled "Kool Aid" she crashed through the wall

[LaBamba]

Some bad taste jokes. Don't hate.

What is the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 12.

How do you know princess Diana had dandruff?

Her head and shoulders were on the dash.

What is black and sits on top of the stairs?

A Quadriplegic after a house fire.

What would princess Diana be doing at the moment if she was alive?

Scratching the top of her coffin.

Why can't God eat skiddles?

They fall through the holes in his hands.

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

Edited August 1, 2015 by LaBamba