Cheesy Joke Thread

[Salacious Crumb]

Mountains are not funny. They are hill areas.

[Heretic]

A "Liberal Paradise" would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only Law Enforcement has guns.

And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist …… It's called prison.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Heretic

[Tre Mac]

How do you milk sheep?
 

Spoiler

Release another iPhone

 

Genie: What's your first wish? 

Dave: I wish I was rich. 

Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? 

Rich: I want lots of money.

 

[Gollumpus]

So....

 

There's this guy who runs a piano bar. It's pretty popular place, largely due to the really excellent singer/player that he has working for him.

 

One day the man gets a call from his pianoman  saying that he has quit, effective immediately, as he has this big opportunity in Vegas. The man who owns the bar is just devastated. Not only is he losing his star employee but he has to find a replacement on really short notice. He sends a call out to a booking agent to send him as many players as possible.

 

Over the next several hours the man sees guys who try to do Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Joel, Fats Domino and many others besides. Some can sorta' play, but can't sing. Some can sorta' sing but can't play. Most can't do either. He's starting to get really depressed. He figures he won't get an act for tonight which is really going to screw his business. He thinks he might as well just not open for the night.

 

A man walks into the bar with a dog. The owner looks at the man with the dog and says, "Can I help you?"

 

The man with the dog says, "We're here for the  piano player job."

 

The bar owner says, "Great, that's all I need! An animal act. Get out of here!"

 

The man with the dog says, "Look pal, this dog can really play, and sing too! Let him try. What do you have to lose?"

 

The bar owner says, "Ya, OK. Go ahead, I might even get a laugh out of this. Lord knows I can use one."

 

The dog jumps up on the piano stool and starts playing some Mozart. From there he goes into a quick medley of Gerswhin tunes, some Sinatra, Mel Torme, Tony Bennett and several more contemporary songs. He finally winds it all up with a rousing rendition, "Piano Man". All the while he has been singing in a beautiful tenor voice. 

 

The man who owns the bar is just amazed. He is just  about to say to the man who brought the dog in that he was hired when the door to the bar slams open and  in walk two older dogs of the same breed as the dog at the piano. They take one look at the younger dog and charge right at him, snapping and snarling all the while. They chase the younger dog around the piano three times and then finally out the door. 

 

The man who owns the bar is laughing and hooting. He turns to the man who brought the dog in and says, "That was great! What a great way to wind the act up."

 

The man who brought the dog in is looking glum and shaking his head. "That's not part of the act. Those are his parents. They disapprove of him playing in

places like this."

 

"Why?", says the man who owns the bar.

 

"They want him to be a doctor."

 

                                    regards,

                                          D.

[Gollumpus]

On 6/15/2017 at 10:13 AM, Tre Mac said:

How do you milk sheep?
 

  Reveal hidden contents

Release another iPhone

 

Genie: What's your first wish? 

Dave: I wish I was rich. 

Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? 

Rich: I want lots of money.

 

I approve of this joke. I shall probably steal it and use it as my own without giving any credit.

 

                                 regards,  G.

[Gollumpus]

One hundred and thirty-seven lemmings walk into a bar.

 

"Ouch!"

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                                   regards,  G.

[Tre Mac]

Spoiler

 

One day, a Man was filling his gas tank at a Gas Station; he filled the tank so full that gasoline got on his shirt sleeve; unaware that there was gasoline on his sleeve, he lit a cigarette and his sleeve caught fire, so he jumped into his car, waved his arm up and down in an effort to put out the flames.

He looked into his rear view mirror and saw red, white and blue lights flashing and heard a police siren; the Policeman pulled him over, got out of his Patrol Car, and arrested the driver for having an illegal firearm.

 

 

Spoiler

Two blonde friends were driving on their VW Beetle when the engine broke. They got out of the car and opened the front:

"Oh my god! Someone stole my engine!!"

Her friend opens the back and says

"It's OK, you have a spare one back here."  And then I had sex with them both - Tre Mac

 

Spoiler

News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

 

Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

 

*increased font size for truth

 

Spoiler

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

 

Neither because they live in America.

 

 

Spoiler

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

[skolozsy2]

A man comes home from work to find his wife lying in bed naked.  Her hair is in disarray, her body is covered in sweat, blankets and pillows have been thrown about....the man immediately assumes his wife was just cheating on him.  Right then and there, a man with no shirt and also covered in sweat runs past the window.  The husband assumes this is the man sleeping with his wife, so he picks up the refrigerator and throws at the man.

 

 

 

Standing at the gates of heaven, St. Peter is letting people in.  Peter asks the 1st man how he died. The man replies, "I thought my wife was having an affair, and i threw my refrigerator at the man i suspected, i had a heart attack and died."  Peter tells the man to watch his temper, but he can come on in.

 

Peter asks the 2nd man how he died.  The man replies, "i was just minding my own business on my evening jog and out of nowhere a goddamn refrigerator landed on me."  Peter tells the 2nd man that he got a crappy deal, but his worries are over and to come on in.

 

Peter asks the 3rd man how he died.  The 3rd man replies, "I'm not even really sure what exactly happened.  I was hiding in this refrigerator...

[Heretic]

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.  When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.  It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450 for just an overnight stay!  I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450 is the 'standard rate,'so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.  "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, with the manager, unmoved, she decided to pay; she wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But madam, this check is for only $50."

"That's correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

[skolozsy2]

There's an alcoholic who gets drunk at the same bar every single night.  After a while, the alcoholic starts noticing this other guy who shows up at the bar every so often.  And whenever this other guy shows up, he immediately walks over to a girl at the bar and whispers something in her ear.....and either the girl goes home with him right then and there, or she invites him to sit down for a drink.  Either way, this guy is basically picking up a different girl every night he shows up at the bar.

 

Well, its another Friday night and naturally the alcoholic is drunk at the bar again.  And once again, in walks the other guy, and sure enough, the guy almost immediately starts heading towards the bar.  

 

Before he gets there, the alcoholic stumbles over, grabs the guy by the arm, and slurs out, "hey buddy, i dont want to start trouble, but i see you in here all the time and I've been kinda watching you.  I just gotta ask, what the hell are you saying to these girls?"

 

The guy figures what the hell, this drunk isnt gonna remember anyways and confesses....

 

"well, here's what I do.  Whenever I see a cute girl at the bar, i simply walk over and whisper softly in her ear "tickle your ass with a feather?"  If she likes what she hears, well then obviously  i take her home right then and there.  But if she looks shocked or appalled by what i had said, i just point to the window and repeat louder, "TYPICAL NASTY WEATHER!"  Naturally, she thinks she must've misheard me the first time, which usually leads to some laughs, some drinks, some more laughs...     either way, its a great way to get me an introduction every time."

 

 

The alcoholic thinks a moment and then realizes that it is actually a great way to open up a dialogue with a girl.  He looks around and sees an attractive girl sitting alone at a table.  He walks over and quietly asks, "hey baby, how about i stick a feather up your ass?"

 

The girls turns disgustingly and asks, "what the f*** did you just say to me!?!?"  

In a panic, the alcoholic points to the window and yells out, "F***ING RAIN!"

[Heretic]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day 
in his new parish in country Australia. He walked to the window of 
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside & 
promptly noticed that there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. 

He called the local police station. The conversation went like this: 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" 

"The best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's 
Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn & 
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, thought he would 
have a little fun with the new priest. Putting on his best Irish accent 
he said, "Well now Farder, it was always my impression that you people 
took care of the last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.  

Then Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are 
Also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Tre Mac]

Mother: A little birdie told me that you're taking drugs.
Son: Me? You're the one who's talking to birds!

[Tre Mac]

 Laid in bed with the girlfriend last night when she said "I have a confession to make.... I used to be a Christian."

I said "That`s ok I have no problem with that".

She replied. "Oh that`s good. I much prefer being a Christine"

 

 

True story

[DarthMelvin]

Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

 

A: It got stuck in a crack!!!

[Heretic]

I'll probably get burned for this one:

 

 

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY In  Florida , an atheist created a case against the Upcoming  Easter and Passover days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"  The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the Ruling , "Your honor,how can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and  Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."  The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do.  Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."  The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."  The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.  Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.  Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.  You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!!

[Tre Mac]

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

Spoiler

It only made it more sluggish

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

Spoiler

A roamin' Catholic

 

I can cut a piece of timber just by staring at it.
 

Spoiler

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

 

I have lots of unemployment jokes, but none of them work.

[Tre Mac]

The Vancouver Canucks visited an orphanage for abandoned kids 10 & under in Surrey today:
 

Spoiler

 

"It's so tragic to see their sad faces with no hope" - Tommy aged 8

 

 

[J-23]

So there was this young man named Timmy, his teacher told him to go home and learn the first 5 letters of the alphabet. 

 

So Timmy goes home and goes up to his Dad. "Daddy what's the first letter of the alphabet?"

Timmys Dad was on a business call and he said

"Oh shut up."

Timmy marked that down and continued on.

 

He went to the living room and his Mom was also on the phone as well. She was purchasing a dress. He asked his Mom,

"Mom what's the second letter of the alphabet?" 

His Mom was a bout to purchase the dress and the seller asked her if she wanted to buy a ring as well and she said "YES YES YES."

 

Timmy then went to his brother watching Batman. The theme song came on and Timmy asked "What's the third letter of the alphabet?" 

"Thanananana Batmaaaaaaan," responded his brother!

 

He then went to his sister who was with her boyfriend. He asked "Sister what is the 4th letter of the alphabet?"

His sister speaking to her boyfriend said "Because I love you!" She didn't even notice Young Timmy.

 

Finally Timmy went to his grandpa who was on toilet. He said "Grandpa, what is the fifth letter of the alphabet?"

His grandpa was singing "I live on the toilet."

 

When Timmy went to school his teacher asked, "what is the first letter of the alphabet?"

"Oh shut up" said Timmy.

"Excuse me, should I send you to the principles office?" replied the teacher.

"YES YES YES" said Timmy

 

Timmy arrived at the principles office and he principle asked, "Who are you?"

"Thannannana Batmaaaaaaaan" said Timmy.

"Okay then, why are you here?"

"Because I love youuuu!" responded Timmy.

"Umm...okay..where do you live, I need to have a talk with your parents" said the principle.

"I live on the toilet" said Timmy.

 

THE END!

Edited September 27, 2017 by J-23

[Heretic]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud. 
 
A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence to indicate his guilt but there was no corpse.
 In the defense's closing statement -- knowing that his client would probably be convicted -- the lawyer resorted to a trick.  Glancing at his watch he said, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all.  Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. 
 
A minute passed.  Nothing happened.  Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of 'not guilty.'"
 The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. 
 
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  You must have had some doubt.  I saw all of you stare at the door."
 

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

[Heretic]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. 

 

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

 

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

 

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

 

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

 

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

 

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

 

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

 

"No, on the contrary..."

 

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

 

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

 

"No, not really."

 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" 

 

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. 

 

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with his wife.