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Cheesy Joke Thread

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Salter

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 A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it.

 

As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

 

And so, it happened His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

 

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.

 

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.

 

He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

 

The lawyer is now in Parliament, possibly in your riding....

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  • 3 weeks later...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Chatsworth Ontario.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

 

 

 

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ..........she just walked in."

  • Haha 2
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A cabbie pick up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“Ok” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

 

 


The nun says, “That’s ok. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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  • 4 weeks later...

Aunty Barbara

The teacher asked the children to get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day the kids came back  and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer  and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to  market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in  the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked  the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one  basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and  said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat  market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten  live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens  before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

'Little Johnny, do you have a story to  share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara.  Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the  War and  her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory  in South East Asia and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun  and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so  it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy  troops.
She killed seventy of them with  the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she  killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she  killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said  the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that  horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's  pissed.

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  • 5 months later...
  • 4 weeks later...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his macBook Air computer, connects it to his iphone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in iPhoto and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... 

Now give me back my dog."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl 
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour 
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' 


The child thought about this for a moment then said, 
'So why is the groom wearing black?' 

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