Cheesy Joke Thread

[Heretic]

 A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it.

 

As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

 

And so, it happened His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

 

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.

 

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.

 

He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

 

The lawyer is now in Parliament, possibly in your riding....

[Gurn]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[Heretic]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Chatsworth Ontario.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

 

 

 

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ..........she just walked in."

[Heretic]

A cabbie pick up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“Ok” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

 

 

The nun says, “That’s ok. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

[Heretic]

Aunty Barbara

The teacher asked the children to get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day the kids came back  and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer  and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to  market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in  the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked  the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one  basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and  said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat  market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten  live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens  before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

'Little Johnny, do you have a story to  share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara.  Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the  War and  her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory  in South East Asia and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun  and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so  it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy  troops.
She killed seventy of them with  the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she  killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she  killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said  the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that  horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's  pissed.

[allegend]

Did you hear the one about the doctor who didn't charge for giving circumcisions?

 

He only took tips. 

[Master Mind]

What do you call a line of people waiting for haircuts?

 

A barberqueue. 

[Master Mind]

A friend of mine named his dog "5 miles" so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

 

But today he ran over 5 miles.

[Heretic]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his macBook Air computer, connects it to his iphone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in iPhoto and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Canon LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... 

Now give me back my dog."

[Heretic]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl 
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour 
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' 

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 
'So why is the groom wearing black?' 

[Bad_BOI_pete]

why did barbie never get pregnant?

 

Spoiler

Because Ken came in another box.

 

[Master Mind]

My friend David had his ID stolen

 

I now call him Dav

[Heretic]

A quite ill male Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. 
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." 

 

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

 

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now please listen very, very, carefully : "Are - my - test - results - back?" 

[Psycho_Path]

Some people think Periscopes are useless. I just think they're sub-optimal.

[Heretic]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

 

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[DarthMelvin]

An RCMP officer stopped at a reservation in Williams Lake and talked with an old native farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The RCMP officer verbally exploded saying, " Sir, I have the authority of the Canadian Government with me!" pointing into his badge on his jacket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his day. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified screaming for help as the bull gained more ground on him. The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

[Psycho_Path]

You ever wonder who that Spanish pixie in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time that shows up in Kakariko village at Christmas time is? That's Feliz, Navi's dad

[4petesake]

 

[Heretic]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

 

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

 

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

 

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

 

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

 

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

 

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.

 

THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

 

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

 

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

 

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[4petesake]