Making new friends as an adult

[Sygvard]

4 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

Fairly self-explanatory title - New city, new job... how the hell do you do it? 

 

6 minutes ago, Monty said:

Most has already been said. One I would add is try taking up a new hobby you’ve shown passing interest in.

 

Yeah I would say it is all about the hobbies and activities. It gives you access to groups of people with at least one thing in common, and gets past the awkward. Casual sports are obviously great if you play them. Classes if you want to learn a particular skill. If you lean on the geekier side then it's fairly easy to find folks at a game shop who are enthusiastic to talk and share their niche hobbies. 

 

I wouldn't try to take any advice about trying to meet people at bars. It always sounds tempting, but no one likes that weird stranger that comes up and tries to talk with you at a bar or club. Not saying it isn't a good social lubricant, but better if you meet folks doing the hobby then ask if they want to grab beers after. 

[Ilunga]

From your posting history you seem like an intelligent person with a good heart.

Let that shine through and I think you will connect with people.

I believe that people want to be around people who have a positive influence in their lives,bring happiness and challenge/help them to become better than they already are.

 

[Ilunga]

10 minutes ago, Sygvard said:

 

Yeah I would say it is all about the hobbies and activities. It gives you access to groups of people with at least one thing in common, and gets past the awkward. Casual sports are obviously great if you play them. Classes if you want to learn a particular skill. If you lean on the geekier side then it's fairly easy to find folks at a game shop who are enthusiastic to talk and share their niche hobbies. 

 

I wouldn't try to take any advice about trying to meet people at bars. It always sounds tempting, but no one likes that weird stranger that comes up and tries to talk with you at a bar or club. Not saying it isn't a good social lubricant, but better if you meet folks doing the hobby then ask if they want to grab beers after. 

Mate I gave up drinking nearly 20 years ago.

Now when I go to parties things are cool till about 10-11 pm and then I get,"did I tell you how much I love you mate,I mean like really love you".

 

I tell them to come back and tell me that when they sober up.

[Ilunga]

3 hours ago, Alflives said:

Acting is great.  It allows your character to be judged, but keeps you (somewhat) hidden.  

How do you define a true friend?  

One who wants what you want to be happy not what they want for you to be happy.

Actually that is a great starting place for truly loving someone.

[Ilunga]

2 hours ago, SabreFan1 said:

I don't mean this as a putdown, but if you have social anxiety and confidence issues, a psychologist can definitely help you with that.

I have never had a issue connecting with people however I have suffered from anxiety all my life.

After learning about my biological mothers circumstance I researched and found out that anxiety is passed on in the womb.

 

I have always had an aversion to prescription drugs however after giving up pot which I now realise exacerbated my anxiety I was prescribed a drug that has helped me immensely.

I have bitten my nails to a nub all my life,for the first time I cut my nails 2 weeks ago.

[D-Money]

45 minutes ago, Monty said:

Most has already been said. One I would add is try taking up a new hobby you’ve shown passing interest in.

 

For example, I’ve always loved cooking. Since I had to cook for my family and myself anyway, thought it would be fun to get better at it. Considering a great deal of socializing happens around food, that was something I took up years ago. You meet new people in those classes, which is great to branch out. May not necessarily strike up friendships, but it’s a skill you can learn that, when you do meet people, you can hold gatherings at your place and cook for them. You’ll be known, at the very least, as the guy that cooks for everyone.

 

There’s also obscure sports you can take up (ie: fencing, snowshoeing, etc) where you go even more out of your comfort zone.

Cooking would also be great for someone with social anxiety.

 

When my wife and I have people over for dinner (which we do often), if I'm not feeling overly social, I just do more of the cooking/cleaning/etc. That way you're around people, but also preoccupied, and not having to carry on as much conversation. And people are grateful for it.

 

[Gnarcore]

Show up to a party with a large baggie of cocaine. You'll make friends real quick.  You'll cram enough conversation and life stories into 2 hours you won't need to hang out with them again! 

[SabreFan1]

28 minutes ago, Ilunga said:

I have never had a issue connecting with people however I have suffered from anxiety all my life.

After learning about my biological mothers circumstance I researched and found out that anxiety is passed on in the womb.

 

I have always had an aversion to prescription drugs however after giving up pot which I now realise exacerbated my anxiety I was prescribed a drug that has helped me immensely.

I have bitten my nails to a nub all my life,for the first time I cut my nails 2 weeks ago.

Congratulations.  Glad to see that you are doing well.

[HI5]

You can try leolist but it may cost you a bit

[Violator]

I will be your friend  

[yoshiyoshi]

who needs friends when you have cats?

[Green Building]

8 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

Fairly self-explanatory title - New city, new job... how the hell do you do it? 

Adult me: 

 

   

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

15 hours ago, Alflives said:

I’m betting you’re the only person on our boards, who lives in Scotland.  Now that’s pretty cool.  

Actually I've come across two people on these forums that lived or grew up less than 5 mins from my childhood home.

 

Which is pretty incredible to be honest 

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

13 hours ago, Monty said:

Most has already been said. One I would add is try taking up a new hobby you’ve shown passing interest in.

 

For example, I’ve always loved cooking. Since I had to cook for my family and myself anyway, thought it would be fun to get better at it. Considering a great deal of socializing happens around food, that was something I took up years ago. You meet new people in those classes, which is great to branch out. May not necessarily strike up friendships, but it’s a skill you can learn that, when you do meet people, you can hold gatherings at your place and cook for them. You’ll be known, at the very least, as the guy that cooks for everyone.

 

There’s also obscure sports you can take up (ie: fencing, snowshoeing, etc) where you go even more out of your comfort zone.

I'm already a tremendous cook.

 

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Didn't realise this ended up in Off-topic  For the record my anxiety is no longer "crippling".

 

I can converse with people easily enough, I'm reasonably comfortable at work, and I don't feel any anxiety around friends or family - I'm just now living in a place where I'm essentially starting afresh.

 

There are times where I'm conscious of the fact that I'm worrying more about what other people are thinking rather than enjoying myself though, and sometimes I wonder if that comes across in conversation. Ideally I'd like to be more confident and relaxed in social situations, but easier said than done.

[nuckin_futz]

There's a website called www.meetup.com that brings people together with similar interests. Can't tell you much else about it, but it might be worth a look.

 

I gave it a quick look and punched in Edinburgh and lots of gatherings were listed.

[RUPERTKBD]

BTW, @Scottish⑦Canuck 'grats on the new job.

[Tortorella's Rant]

They aren't really friends if they wouldn't help you move on a Sunday. Rather, an acquaintance with some similar interests. 

[riffraff]

23 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Didn't realise this ended up in Off-topic  For the record my anxiety is no longer "crippling".

 

I can converse with people easily enough, I'm reasonably comfortable at work, and I don't feel any anxiety around friends or family - I'm just now living in a place where I'm essentially starting afresh.

 

There are times where I'm conscious of the fact that I'm worrying more about what other people are thinking rather than enjoying myself though, and sometimes I wonder if that comes across in conversation. Ideally I'd like to be more confident and relaxed in social situations, but easier said than done.

Should come to Canada.

 

things are “legal” here.

[-DLC-]

People are often surprised that I am a bit of an introvert.   Mostly in that I spend most of my down time on my own and prefer to avoid big group gatherings.  Have never opted into work parties, etc.  (well, except years ago when party was our middle name).  Had tons of "friends" as a young adult, but tended to only engage when out and about.  No real connecting on the phone or in more isolated situations....just a big group of friends hanging out.

Quiet life...books, sports, outdoors/photography/biking.  All "me" time and I'm a bit selfish with it.  My family being the only thing that can always pry me away.

 

That...and hockey.  I've met most of my "new friends" over the past few years here.  Awesome group and it taps into the sports nut that I am.  

 

I have met a few close friends through work, but it was focused on working out and we did the gym thing together.  I even hate that...I don't want to socialize during a workout...it's intensely focused and I try to be efficient with my time there.  In and out...so I've even backed away from this a bit.

 

I am super outgoing and talk to strangers....but just don't like to let them in or get close.

 

So I guess it depends on the definition of "friend".  My friends accept my boundaries and that I don't want to be BFF's.  I don't want to talk every day or answer to anyone.  Selfish, but the life I've led has been mostly focused on others and now it is "me time".

 

Sorry...just really made this about me but the point here is that "friends" depend on what it is you're looking for.  Work is generally the best option, as we share the better part of our lives with these people.  However, that can become murky and if the friendship sours, it's then an awkward situation.

 

Online groups and forums are a great place to start.  Not to "look" for friends...but to share interests and ideas with people and see what sticks.  Then it's more of a natural progression to friendship than something forced.

 

Good luck!!