confessions

[-DLC-]

Man, I really can't ever open up my vault of confessions. Never. Ever.  My life's been a crazy one at times.

 

But some I can share.

 

This was just prompted by the music thread and thoughts of how far my brother's come in his life journey. Some don't share anything but, for me, it's part of healing to open up. To let it out rather than hold it all in.

 

My brother was a mess. Totally cranked up or cracked out or...who knows? He never shared "what" he was using, says it's unimportant now. Coke was big in our town...from the time we were teens. Everybody did it. It was as common as beer in the fishing community. Many I know and loved eventually lost their lives to it. 

 

My brother's relationship with drugs started early on, as most in Steveston. But a really horrible accident (no, not an accident, he was run down on purpose as a pedestrian) and the subsequent surgery and pain afterward led to prescription drugs. Then...onward.

 

He'd lived in a crack house for a time....I'll never forget the day I borrowed my neighbour's van and Dad and I went to get him out...."stuff" was going down. A broken big bay window in the front, druggies fleeing in a panic. Apparently the previous night had "action" at the house. Scary stuff for Dad and I.

 

My parents couldn't do the tough love thing, they loved us unconditionally (even if, at times, it was detrimental to not take a firmer stand). When the dealers couldn't get any more blood of the stone that was my brother, they quickly learned my parent's number and started calling and collecting from them. My brother and I did not live at home at the time.

 

My parents quickly burned through their half million in savings picking up the slack. Gone, all of it.

 

So one night, my Dad swore to me "this is the last time". He told the dealer that on the phone as I sat in his kitchen, listening to the conversation that went down. They'd been threatening the family. My brother had had his jaw broken and wired up (he told us a story but we'd eventually figure out the real deal).

 

Dad was arranging to go meet this piece of garbage behind the 7-11...the alley in the back. I begged my Dad to go with him...NO WAY. He made me promise, but as fast as he left I hopped in my car and positioned myself in the DQ parking lot directly across the street from where this was going down. My dentist's office was next to 7-11 and I could see through the empty parking lot, to where Dad was standing, waiting. Had my car idling in case...because....if I had to.....(my Dad and my kids are my world. Duh).

 

It went "smoothly" (as smoothly as handing over a thousand dollars in cash in a dark alley to drug infested humans could go) but I'll never forget the fear I felt of my Dad's life being in danger as I sat, helplessly, in my car. And knowing I'd react and probably end up in jail or dead. But there were no options.

 

Thankfully, those dealers took the "this is the last time" part seriously and didn't ever contact my parents again.

 

Don't do drugs, kids. Your sisters and dads will also pay a price in that.

[-DLC-]

On 3/8/2022 at 10:39 PM, AngryElf said:

Aye y'all,

 

So, I’ve always had problems with keeping attention in class, impulsive actions and keeping my thoughts organized, and I’ve figured it’s been ADHD for a while. Being in person in uni, it’s kinda emphasized my symptoms a lot more. I asked my doc about it, and he said he’d diagnose me a week later once I filled out forms. Three of them, one for general mental health, one for anxiety and one for depression. I check off a lot more for both of the latter than I thought I would, but nothing for the “being sad” part of depression or the “being worried” part of anxiety. 
 

Fast forward a week later, today, I have a longer conversation with him. By the end of it, he says I have “a lot of adhd symptoms, minor anxiety, and a major depression brewing.” The way he was talking about it, it sounds like I’m in the pre-depression state, but it will get a lot worse over the next few years. 

 

I’m starting antidepressants now and ADHD meds after six weeks because apparently suicidal thoughts are a common side effect. I’m honestly terrified and I’ve felt nauseous all day, but I don’t know what to do. This all became too real too quick for me, considering I thought I was a generally happy person. I don’t have panic attacks, and I haven’t had depressive fits in years but I guess it’s more than that. I’ve been questioning my thoughts and actions from the last few years all day and I’ve become pretty numb since my appointment. 

 

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, but I’m wondering if any of you have had similar experiences and/or advice and/or know what to expect?

Hey, just read this...sorry for blasting through with my story but I had not yet seen this.

 

I'd for sure get a second opinion too. These mental health issues can be really complex and it brings to mind Matt Good's story. He is bipolar and was misdiagnosed and given the wrong meds and it was nearly fatal for him. Not to scare you, just to get really thoroughly checked and go with your gut (too). If something doesn't feel right, investigate further. 

 

Corey Hirsch's story is also documented and quite severe. I had a family member experience the same, awful thoughts and they were completely overwhelmed and confused by them. There are so many different "forms" that anxiety and depression can take. Not just what we have come to know as "sadness", but much deeper and complex.

 

The great thing is that you have awareness and are seeking help. Panic attacks can be very different from what we think they are as well. My family member's first experience was a crushing chest condition and feeling like they were suffocating. As I rushed them to the hospital (in hindsight, should have called an ambulance), they said they felt like they were going to die. They couldn't breathe. The best thing in all of this is there is help and you can learn tools to not only identify when these attacks are coming on, but learn how to navigate through them. Not "fight" them so much, but go with them and understand they are temporary and you'll be ok.

 

The best of luck in all of this...please keep us posted. Not that we can give "advice", as only true health professionals can. But we can offer support and our experiences.

[-DLC-]

I might add that I, too, had a (different) family member who was put on anti depressants...tried a few different ones. She felt like a zombie and very "disconnected" and gave them up (under a doctor's guidance of course).

 

They aren't for everyone. Sometimes drugs/medicine are the only treatment but it's also worth exploring all that is out there if one thing isn't working.

[AngryElf]

Minor update: 

 

Today was weird. I've been on antidepressants for five days now, and I had an exam today on a class I'm totally ill prepared for (it's uni, it is what it is). However, I felt totally different than I normally do during an exam. After looking at it and thinking "oh ****," I got to work and got fully dialed in. I still totally failed, but there was no panic, no anger, no want to break the computer I was working on, and no distractions. I don't even think it was apathy, I just felt... at peace; calm. It practically felt like a high. At the very least I was expecting to sweat like I normally do, but nothing. 

 

I don't know if I was struggling more than I realized or what, but I felt completely different today. Totally surreal. 

[Ilunga]

On 3/17/2022 at 7:02 AM, -DLC- said:

Hey, just read this...sorry for blasting through with my story but I had not yet seen this.

 

I'd for sure get a second opinion too. These mental health issues can be really complex and it brings to mind Matt Good's story. He is bipolar and was misdiagnosed and given the wrong meds and it was nearly fatal for him. Not to scare you, just to get really thoroughly checked and go with your gut (too). If something doesn't feel right, investigate further. 

 

Corey Hirsch's story is also documented and quite severe. I had a family member experience the same, awful thoughts and they were completely overwhelmed and confused by them. There are so many different "forms" that anxiety and depression can take. Not just what we have come to know as "sadness", but much deeper and complex.

 

The great thing is that you have awareness and are seeking help. Panic attacks can be very different from what we think they are as well. My family member's first experience was a crushing chest condition and feeling like they were suffocating. As I rushed them to the hospital (in hindsight, should have called an ambulance), they said they felt like they were going to die. They couldn't breathe. The best thing in all of this is there is help and you can learn tools to not only identify when these attacks are coming on, but learn how to navigate through them. Not "fight" them so much, but go with them and understand they are temporary and you'll be ok.

 

The best of luck in all of this...please keep us posted. Not that we can give "advice", as only true health professionals can. But we can offer support and our experiences.

Sometimes life experience and emotional support can be just as important as medical advice. 

 

Finding a good GP you can trust is hard, took me over 10 years after my first one eventually died.

[Ilunga]

On 3/17/2022 at 6:51 AM, -DLC- said:

Man, I really can't ever open up my vault of confessions. Never. Ever.  My life's been a crazy one at times.

 

But some I can share.

 

This was just prompted by the music thread and thoughts of how far my brother's come in his life journey. Some don't share anything but, for me, it's part of healing to open up. To let it out rather than hold it all in.

 

My brother was a mess. Totally cranked up or cracked out or...who knows? He never shared "what" he was using, says it's unimportant now. Coke was big in our town...from the time we were teens. Everybody did it. It was as common as beer in the fishing community. Many I know and loved eventually lost their lives to it. 

 

My brother's relationship with drugs started early on, as most in Steveston. But a really horrible accident (no, not an accident, he was run down on purpose as a pedestrian) and the subsequent surgery and pain afterward led to prescription drugs. Then...onward.

 

He'd lived in a crack house for a time....I'll never forget the day I borrowed my neighbour's van and Dad and I went to get him out...."stuff" was going down. A broken big bay window in the front, druggies fleeing in a panic. Apparently the previous night had "action" at the house. Scary stuff for Dad and I.

 

My parents couldn't do the tough love thing, they loved us unconditionally (even if, at times, it was detrimental to not take a firmer stand). When the dealers couldn't get any more blood of the stone that was my brother, they quickly learned my parent's number and started calling and collecting from them. My brother and I did not live at home at the time.

 

My parents quickly burned through their half million in savings picking up the slack. Gone, all of it.

 

So one night, my Dad swore to me "this is the last time". He told the dealer that on the phone as I sat in his kitchen, listening to the conversation that went down. They'd been threatening the family. My brother had had his jaw broken and wired up (he told us a story but we'd eventually figure out the real deal).

 

Dad was arranging to go meet this piece of garbage behind the 7-11...the alley in the back. I begged my Dad to go with him...NO WAY. He made me promise, but as fast as he left I hopped in my car and positioned myself in the DQ parking lot directly across the street from where this was going down. My dentist's office was next to 7-11 and I could see through the empty parking lot, to where Dad was standing, waiting. Had my car idling in case...because....if I had to.....(my Dad and my kids are my world. Duh).

 

It went "smoothly" (as smoothly as handing over a thousand dollars in cash in a dark alley to drug infested humans could go) but I'll never forget the fear I felt of my Dad's life being in danger as I sat, helplessly, in my car. And knowing I'd react and probably end up in jail or dead. But there were no options.

 

Thankfully, those dealers took the "this is the last time" part seriously and didn't ever contact my parents again.

 

Don't do drugs, kids. Your sisters and dads will also pay a price in that.

It's reading stories like this that I wish my friends and I had been their ATM. 

I am not ashamed to say that we took justice into our own hands in circumstances like this.

 

 

A few years back one of my friends and a fellow flower growers daughter was raped by one of her supposed friends.

 

She reported this to the police, they just $@$€%£ around and no charges were laid.

 

So his son and my oldest friends son went and dealt out some justice.

 

They were eventually arrested, the cop even said to my friend if that was my daughter I would have done the same thing.

 

Anyway my oldest friends son did what we always did, never say anything except ask for your lawyer.

The other kid admitted to it.

 

The judge stated that he understood where they were coming from however rules are rules.

But because my oldest friends son never admitted to anything he got a slap on the wrist.

 

The other kid got a big fine and suspended sentence.

 

There are five words you say to the cops, no, I want my lawyer.

[Coconuts]

I'm tired, like.. on an existential level, and I have been for a while. I don't wanna die, I've never had serious suicidal thoughts or anything like that, but I'm tired. Existing, being a person, trying to get by, it's exhausting. 

 

Trying to figure out how I'm going to make money, what I want to do in regards to education, how the hell I'll manage in this economy as the cost of like.. everything climbs. Wondering if I'll ever be able to do more than pay someone else's mortgage, seeing others in my age bracket feeling and experiencing the same things. It's depressing. I'll be 32 in July and adult life just feels so heavy, and that's a sentiment I know many in my age bracket share. There are good things in this world, life isn't all bleak, there are always ups with the downs, I know these things and I try to keep it all in mind, but I have a hard time being optimistic about the future. It's funny, when I was younger I wanted to grow up and obtain a measure of independence and I'm still trying to do that. We all wanted to grow up but we didn't know what it'd entail or how much of a pain in the ass it all is. 

[bishopshodan]

19 hours ago, Coconuts said:

I'm tired, like.. on an existential level, and I have been for a while. I don't wanna die, I've never had serious suicidal thoughts or anything like that, but I'm tired. Existing, being a person, trying to get by, it's exhausting. 

 

Trying to figure out how I'm going to make money, what I want to do in regards to education, how the hell I'll manage in this economy as the cost of like.. everything climbs. Wondering if I'll ever be able to do more than pay someone else's mortgage, seeing others in my age bracket feeling and experiencing the same things. It's depressing. I'll be 32 in July and adult life just feels so heavy, and that's a sentiment I know many in my age bracket share. There are good things in this world, life isn't all bleak, there are always ups with the downs, I know these things and I try to keep it all in mind, but I have a hard time being optimistic about the future. It's funny, when I was younger I wanted to grow up and obtain a measure of independence and I'm still trying to do that. We all wanted to grow up but we didn't know what it'd entail or how much of a pain in the ass it all is. 

I'm tired too these days Nuts.

 

I'm 47 and have it all. Health, wealth and happiness.

It's a shame when the parts fit but the machine doesn't work. That's how I feel lately.

 

My best friend is reading a lot about stoicism. He's the smartest dude I know. He gives me some tough love and refers to some of the things he has read when I moan to him.

 

I have no advice for you. But I hear you. 

We probably both know that happiness is not tied to anything material, and that happiness is fleeting.

Remember to love yourself. Maybe if we can do that, the tides will change and life will eventually show us what we were made for.

 

Edited March 28, 2022 by bishopshodan

[JM_]

18 minutes ago, bishopshodan said:

I'm tired too these days Nuts.

 

I'm 47 and have it all. Health, wealth and happiness.

It's a shame when the parts fit but the machine doesn't work. That's how I feel lately.

 

My best friend is reading a lot about stoicism. He's the smartest dude I know. He gives me some tough love and refers to some of the things he has read when I moan to him.

 

I have no advice for you. But I hear you. 

We probably both know that happiness is not tied to anything material, and that happiness is fleeting.

Remember to love yourself. Maybe if we can do that, the tides will change and life will eventually show us what we were made for.

 

having had some big personal losses in the last year or so, I've had to figure out how to really enjoy the small stuff in the moment. A good ski run, a nice plate of food, joking around with my wife, things like that. We're about the same age and its definitely hard not to feel the weight of all of it, but focusing on the smalls and really trying to enjoy that moment lately has made me feel a lot better. 

[4petesake]

47 minutes ago, JM_ said:

having had some big personal losses in the last year or so, I've had to figure out how to really enjoy the small stuff in the moment. A good ski run, a nice plate of food, joking around with my wife, things like that. We're about the same age and its definitely hard not to feel the weight of all of it, but focusing on the smalls and really trying to enjoy that moment lately has made me feel a lot better. 

Many years ago we were in the early years of our first mortgage and interest rates were soaring. The job market was poor and my wife was transitioning to a job that she loved but was low pay for entry level. We spent a few years living very frugally from paycheque to paycheque and spent a lot of time worrying about our future. Eventually times got better and those hard years were left behind.

 

Fast forward to a couple years ago when we turned sixty and retired early. First year of retirement was fantastic with lots of travel but the second everything came screeching to a halt with Covid. I went through a brief “woe is me” period of poor sleep and considerable reflection on the the good old days. I finally snapped out of it when I realized that when I was young I spent too much time worrying about the future and now too much time pining for my youth. I’m very happy and content now and, as you say try to enjoy each day for what it brings.

 

Not to be overly melodramatic but I like to think of it like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he says “I knew then what I had to do. I had had to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring in.” Sounds trite when I read it but still…

[Coconuts]

3 hours ago, bishopshodan said:

I'm tired too these days Nuts.

 

I'm 47 and have it all. Health, wealth and happiness.

It's a shame when the parts fit but the machine doesn't work. That's how I feel lately.

 

My best friend is reading a lot about stoicism. He's the smartest dude I know. He gives me some tough love and refers to some of the things he has read when I moan to him.

 

I have no advice for you. But I hear you. 

We probably both know that happiness is not tied to anything material, and that happiness is fleeting.

Remember to love yourself. Maybe if we can do that, the tides will change and life will eventually show us what we were made for.

 

Life is weird that way, we're in two very different scenarios but feeling the same way. You can have it all and still drift and not feel the way people and society assume you should be feeling, but you'll feel how you feel all the same. 

 

I have mixed feelings about stoicism, as someone who's typically pretty stoic. The issue I have with stoicism is so many men embrace it and gradually wear it as some sort of armour, often without realizing it. I know so many men like this, who roll with the ups and downs of life, taking the punches, but who appear and carry on as if it doesn't impact on wear on them when it does. So many of us do this but don't talk about it, or about the thoughts and feelings we have, or actively practice self-care or seek out ways to heal and take care of courselves. We just kinda wear that armour and soldier on, it's part of why so many men seem so detached. It likely also factors into why men are more likely to kill themselves than women in every country around the world by a good margin. I've got some strong feelings about it all.

 

It is, it is fleeting. It's so much easier to focus on what goes wrong than what goes right, but things do go right. I used to describe happiness as the occasional oasis in life's big desert, which might sound a bit cynical but hey. All we can do is our best, but that best has to actively involve trying to take care of ourselves. 

[Ilunga]

4 hours ago, bishopshodan said:

I'm tired too these days Nuts.

 

I'm 47 and have it all. Health, wealth and happiness.

It's a shame when the parts fit but the machine doesn't work. That's how I feel lately.

 

My best friend is reading a lot about stoicism. He's the smartest dude I know. He gives me some tough love and refers to some of the things he has read when I moan to him.

 

I have no advice for you. But I hear you. 

We probably both know that happiness is not tied to anything material, and that happiness is fleeting.

Remember to love yourself. Maybe if we can do that, the tides will change and life will eventually show us what we were made for.

 

The human brain has an estimated 100 billion neurons making a total of 100 trillion neural connections/ synapses.

 

One consciously builds neural connections by focusing on certain emotions. 

 

First you have to let go of the negative emotions/ feelings you are experiencing, they are building " negative" neural pathways.

 

Then you relax your body.

 

Lastly you focus on something positive/good and reinforce that feeling if you can by doing something you enjoy.

This will literally build positive neural pathways.

 

Bottom line, any intense, continuing concious neural activity will imprint itself on our brains.

 

 

This is a quick summary of some of the information I have found studying this subject. 

 

 

[BoKnows]

I’m in love and too afraid to tell her

[Gurn]

38 minutes ago, BoKnows said:

I’m in love and too afraid to tell her

It is hard to do, but it is neccessary; both for you and her.

Both of you will grow due to you telling her,, even if she doesn't feel the same.

 

Life is too damn short, don't waste more of it by not taking a chance on happiness.

 

[brilac]

14 minutes ago, gurn said:

It is hard to do, but it is neccessary; both for you and her.

Both of you will grow due to you telling her,, even if she doesn't feel the same.

 

Life is too damn short, don't waste more of it by not taking a chance on happiness.

 

I had a friend tell me that he was in love with me, and I broke his heart.  He never spoke to me again.  I never picked up on the clues that he loved me.  If he would have taken it slow instead of pushing it/rushing into things and wanting to build a relationship with me and take me to a wedding, maybe things would have worked out differently.  Such as starting with - yes I'm in love with you, let's start by going for coffee and go from there. 

[Ilunga]

22 minutes ago, gurn said:

It is hard to do, but it is neccessary; both for you and her.

Both of you will grow due to you telling her,, even if she doesn't feel the same.

 

Life is too damn short, don't waste more of it by not taking a chance on happiness.

 

Ticking away the moments that make up the dull days 

Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 

 

Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain 

You are young and time is long, and there is time to kill today 

And then one day you find, that ten years have got behind you 

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun 

 

And you run and you run to catch up to the sun buts it's sinking 

Racing around to come up behind you again 

The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 

 

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time 

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines 

 

Roger Waters 

[4petesake]

1 hour ago, BoKnows said:

I’m in love and too afraid to tell her

Better a little early than too late…

[Mj2345]

.

Edited May 9, 2022 by Mj2345

[bishopshodan]

I had a nice experience.

I'm learning/working timber framing late in life, I wanted to do something physical and it just worked out as my nephew has a small company. We do farm buildings etc.

 

The other day I worked with a retired carpenter installing a bunch of heavy dutch doors I built for horse stalls in a barn.

He must be in his 70's but said he needs to keep moving and getting out of the house. I noticed how strong he was as he kept up with me no problem. I'm fit, work out 6 days a week.

 

Was such a cool day. I absorbed as much info as I could from this man. He listened to my stories and babbling. I realised after a while that I was talking about myself a lot and started asking about him. We had a great day.

 

I was about to leave and asked one more question, if he watched hockey... told him I was interested in seeing the battle of Alberta.

 

He replied by saying that he used to a lot when his son-in-law played. I expected him to talk about some random local team etc..

 

Nope,

He is Dan Hamhuis' father in-law. 

 

Humble, strong, calm, intelligent. 

I wanna be that way as I walk into my twilight years. 

 

 

 

 

[Psylocke]

I used to hate trashy reality TV, but I've started to enjoy shows like 90 Day Fiance and I Love A Mama's Boy over the last few years.